BPDFamily.com

She she obviously gone NC now. I am getting increasingly more panic'd and lonely and desperate.

I have no friends around here and no one to talk to and I feel so worthless I cannot talk to anyone.

I keep getting the urge to drive to hers and get her to see I'm a f**ing person she is hurting. I'm the same person I was when she left 13 days ago, that she knew for 4 years and not some stranger.

Why does she want nothing to do with me now? How is that possible. What am I going to do with myself.

Her life is just as messed up as mine, her plan, as ever is to latch onto some other guy (in this case a american army guy thousands of miles away). I guess women can get away with that.

Ultimately I still want her back and she's making me feel like an obsessive freak. She just doesn't get it that it's not normal to detach from someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with in less than a day and go moving on to other people. Especially when her life goals seem to be marriage and kids etc.

I feel weak my happiness depends on her. And so lost now that she is gone. Lost and worthless. All I want to do is hold on.

I've been sending her emails about what I'm planning to do, pathetic huh. Even though she is probably asleep as she has probably been on this Americans time (as she is sleeping at her Mums in her little brothers bed and thus has no responbilities whatsoever and 28 years old), she has not yet responded to any. She knows this is hurting me but in her mind she is justified in everything still.

I seem to be less than human to her, completely devalued. I still can't get to grips with this.

If I go and confront her, on the transparent guise of bringing the last of her things to her, she may not even see me. And that's a 2 hour drive and £50 worth of fuel.

I don't even know what I expect out of it. I guess it's clutching at straws.

I just miss her, I miss anyone, especially her, being in my life. Even for her to talk to me right now would be calming but deep down I know this is probably because I have hope in getting her back, yet she doesn't want that all of a sudden, she's made that clear, without any reasoning or explanation leading me to have doubts to the validity of her own feels, but their not mine to pry anymore.

Do I, dont I? Today, tomorrow?

BAH

And she texts me. It's what I wanted isn't it? F**K.

So we've been communicating by text for the last few hours. I'm clearly getting triangulated. But I feel happier with the communication lines open. I'm so weak. Pathetic. I still have mixed feelings. I still love her and want her back to marry and have babies, although I f**king hate her and want her to die in a fire of piss and lead.

All I know is right now that when I am in communication with her, despite being her fall guy, and despite having to put all the work in, and knowing that I am getting used by her bloody sucking ways, I feel a lot better about myself.

Hope is supposed to be a good thing. Hope is my prisoner now, my drug.

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."

Friedrich Nietzsche