BPDFamily.com

Hey again,

I am still very new to this site, but it is good to know that there appears to be a lot of people struggling with loved ones who suffer and cause suffering because of BPD.  The thing that I am really struggling with right now is my son.  He was a victim of his mother's verbal abuse over the years and he moved out a few years ago (he is an adult with a job so he is very independent)  We all suffered various verbal abuse over the years but it was a forgive and forget situation until he just could not take it anymore and left.  He and I were still close over the years but as time has gone on, I was the only one making the attempt at communication.  I know he thinks I am choosing his mother over him by not divorcing her.  I shared earlier on a different post that I believe in the big picture (plus she has no where else to go)

That being said I am completely cut off with my son.  I try to call him, email him or text him just saying "How are you doing"  Love Dad.  Very simple things like that.  No response.

My life is being affected by this.  My thoughts at night when I try to sleep are guilt over not ending the marriage years ago.  Seeing the way his mother treated him and me trying to step in but it being unsuccessful.  There is a lot of guilt.  I am more upset at how he feels and his being hurt.  Yes I am hurting and yes I am sad about all of it.  But is it wrong to let it go for now and see what happens ?  Is it wrong to miss him horribly and wondering what he is doing, and what he is thinking and what his life is all about.  When I held him as a baby in the hospital I would sing a little song to him promising him I would keep him safe yet now I feel like I am a complete failure at this, yet I never yelled at him or called him names.  I defended him and gave him validation (even though he told me I have never validated his side of things) That accusation stopped me dead in my tracks and has made me stop and think if my idea of validation is different from his.  I am sure I am not validating the right way.  I guess what I am saying is, this severing of my relationship with my son is having a negative effect on my life, my thoughts, my job, my sleep.  Has anyone else ever had this happen?  What did you do?  What did you learn?  I feel like he died and I have to get over him.  But he is not dead, he lives in the same city as me and works just a short drive away.   My one thing I wanted in life more than money or health was to have my children in my life.  One of the most horrible movies I have ever seen was Stephen King's "Storm of the Century"  I saw it years ago and at the end of the movie an evil Vampire steals the son of the protagonist and goes away.  I was only able to watch it once because that was my deepest fear.  At the very end of the movie, the protagonist sees his son for a brief moment a few years later walking down the street with the Vampire.  His son was alive but not in HIS life.  that to me was my worst fear.  Now I feel like I am living that nightmare.  Any advice regarding this is much needed and appreciated.  Thank you

I have no advice other than to not give up, but don't try to force things beyond your control.

Your post jolted me because I can see the same thing happening between me and my 9yr old daughter with whom I struggle to protect from the outbursts by her BPD mother.  I try so hard to validate and be there for her, but short of running away with her from her mother, I feel like I'm not doing enough.