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I realized today that my ex is having a terrible time with her life. She seems to have found a replacement, keep in mind only 2 months after the b/u. She told me she wanted to be alone for a while to figure herself out, which I believed at first and made sense, but now I realize she can't be alone for two minutes. But whats amazing is that it seems this new replacement saw right through her and left. I hate when people tell me things, but she made a post saying how this replacement after just two months (we were dating for 3.5 years) was her "EVERYTHING" and the one thing she feared losing. Well ... . that's exactly what she said about me, until she left. It made me so sad, but DEF made me realize that SHE DOESN'T CARE! Everything she told this one guy, she told me and told him within 2 months, so did she mean it at all? Do they really don't care about us.

I have GAD, Generalized Anxiety Issues, and it really causes me constant worries. So I'm also seeing a T, thinking about getting on anti-anxiety meds, see how that will help. I was def co-dependent on my ex, to the point where I cut out family and friends, so that def was not good, and it seems from self-confidence issues I've always struggled /w as a result of my GAD. Maybe the good from all of this is that we can finally realize the different problems we've been struggling with for a long time, and find ways to resolve them in a healthy manner now, so that we can begin to live happier and more fulfilled lives and engage in healthier relationships. I guess ... everything happens for a reason? I just can't stop thinking about her for whatever reason, ruminating on the good times, why she is doing this and how she's doing it so fast, then moving to how much I really despise her for all the hurt she's caused. Two months of N/C after a 3.5 year r/s, and I hear from her sister that "she never really loved you in the first place."

 

This is not about YOU! That's a pattern with pwBPD. They are stuck in a state where they cannot understand what love really is. They spend their lives asking: Is it a thought? Is it a feeling? What is a feeling in the first place? I read so many first-hand stories from BPD sufferers themselves equaling emotion with pain ("I just feel too much, much more than other people"

I came to understand that it may be a defense mechanism stopping them from facing their fear that they can't feel the most important feelings, those of love, dedication, loyalty... . Like 3-year olds, they are "stuck" at defining what feelings are, in the first place... . The most they can feel is attachment. And since they don't grow up emotionally, that's what love stays for pwBPD: attachment. Since 3 years of age is an early stage, it makes it fairly easy to jump from one attachment to another. Most adopted kids at that age son't remember that they were adopted or their real parents. Why? Because the emotional part of the mind is not developed to that extent at that age.

Attachment, however, is certainly not the same as lack of emotion. So they did love us in a way. We remain a part of them, just like biological parents remain a part of their children given for adoption. The difference is that, unfortunately, they never grow up emotionally to the age where they can understand and come to terms with that.

So, knowing all that, don't ask too much of yourself. Appreciate that you are healthy and that you can grieve. Grieve like a fully developed human.

This. All of this.  |iiii