BPDFamily.com

Hey Guys,

Ok so the meeting with her today didn't go so well.  We chatted for the entire lunch hour.  Apart from her basically saying she's not ready to give me anything, not even a date, or a session with a counsellor, or any kind of committment to working on us, she basically said to move on and if we're meant to be down the track then we're meant to be but for now she's not interested. 

She has so many insecurities around my ex-wife still, and that she feels like some kind of rebound.  I've tried everything, but I can't reason with her.  She said some very hurtful things too.  Things like "everyone is commenting on how happy I look now compared to months ago" -- that hurt.  I knew it was a bad idea and everyone warned me against it, but I needed to get some kind of closure.  She seems to think I'm out there playing the field now, which is also hurtful because she said she might too.  She had a lot of passive agression about it all. 

Anyway, my question is... . is it worth sending her a "goodbye letter"?  Chatting over sushi isn't the greatest way to convey your real feelings, and I was taken back by some of the things she feared. 

I've written the letter, and it's quite big, but at the end I've written in a way to alay her fears, address all of her worries and said that I understand she needs to do what she has to do and I wish her to be happy, but we need to stop talking now.

That's the way to go right?  For myself, and for her?

If that is what you want to do - no one here is going to tell you any different.  If it isn't what you want to do - no one here is going to tell you any different.  trust me, we all wrote that letter.  I wrote mine over and over.  I never gave it to her.  I eventually threw it away.  Mostly because whatever I thought I was trying to convey to her, I realized, it was actually me trying to soothe myself.

I would get no closure from her.  And, ultimately, the only real peace came when I just stopped talking to her.

Although I had been in therapy for a bit... . I really didn't start to hear what they were saying to me all along until I finally disconnected.  Then everything came flooding in (especially after I found this site and actually listened to what people were saying).

This was about me. 

It has always been about me (or in the r/s with her... . a lack of anything actually doing with me).

So... . write the letter and give it to her - keep it - frame it - take out a full  page add - spend your  day worrying about what she is doing or if she is happy or if she is playing the field or a whole host of things you can concern yourself with which divert your attention away from the only person who actually needs your attention.

YOU.

Thanks  woods.  I think I'll still send it, as something in me needs her to read it.  I'm feeling better than I thought I would after our catch up.  She showed signs that she's struggling within about us.  Her chin wrinkled like she was going to cry quite a few times, but she's very stubborn and stuck to her guns about not wanting to try again with us "for now".  I can't live like that.  So anyway... . I'll send it.  I've asked her not to contact me again at the end for her and my own sake. 

How I'd love to fast-forward my life 6 months right now

Hi spicelover,

Just wanted to say sorry it didn't work out with you and your girlfriend. I understand. Still now you deserve to have a life though. You can't be on standby for six months or years right? Hope things work out for you in whatever way is best for you. Now at least is the time to relax and enjoy life. I read in your introduction post you both bought a house together? I know its tough, hang in there.



AO

Thanks so much awakenedone :)  Yeah we still have to sort that out, but in my letter I said I'd leave that with the bank and the lawyers.  This was the last couple of paragraphs:

----------

You were my best friend, and truly the only woman I have ever loved like that and I would never, have ever abandoned you, and I'm not now (I hope you don't see it that way), I'm just respecting your feelings and my own.

Please don't take this the wrong way.  But you asked about blocking me on Facebook so I've done that for you - that way you can't unblock me if you're tempted :)  I've also removed all of your friends from my list in case anything pops up in your feed with me in it.  Also, as much as I love your drop-in's at work I don't think they are a good idea.  Again I am not trying to be mean at all I just think it would be easier for us both.  I'd like to keep contact strictly about the money and the house.  Assume that any mail will be redirected, and anything I find that is yours is forwarded.  I need this now.  Just for our own peace I think that's all for the best - nothing bitter, just makes things easier :)

Be true to yourself ***insert spicelover's girlfriend***... . you deserve to be happy.

Spice

Looks respectful and business-like. You definitely are allowed to have your feelings. One good thing for sure is you guys are ending this in a semi-friendly/peaceful way. That's cool. My wife basically said I am a bad, bad, bad person then left.  

I'm sorry she did that to you AO... . how long ago was that? 

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure she's had a great time smearing my name around the place.  She told everyone originally she left because I was abusive.  Lovely girl.

She's since tried to be friends and told everyone we're going to hang out together and be friends.  Not going to happen. 

We're here now only because I've kept it light, and let her play her games until now.  I don't think I'll hear back from the email, but I feel better having sent it.  She said some nasty things today that really hurt, but I'll be ok.  Maybe one day she'll wake up and realise what she's lost.