BPDFamily.com

I am in the process of separating (we are not married, but lived together for 3 years) my BPDgf and the issue of finances, split of property, etc. is a nightmare. The same distortions that riddled our life together are now spilling over into the split of our money and property. Two things have come up.

The first of which is her attempts to muddy the water with everything financial, backing out of agreements, lying to her attorney and our mediator, etc. This has made my life a nightmare, as I have to try to chase down every rabbit trail that she invents, try to find documentation, and the like.

The second issue is that numbers eventually don't lie. So, when she is eventually called out on her lies and distortions with canceled checks, emails, etc., it doesn't chasten her, but rather makes her more angry and impossible.

Has anyone dealt with this sort of thing in their divorce/separation process? Advice is most welcome, as I am extremely stressed out about this, while still (unbelievably) nursing a broken heart that could so easily give in because I am trying to be the good guy, rather than fully standing up for myself against her nonsense.

Yes. Especially the part where nothing seems to chastise N/BPDx, and only makes him more arrogant and impossible. My judge has filed a motion for gatekeeping against N/BPDx, which is to prevent N/BPDx from filing motions. That's the big league! Your own judge is filing motions against you. Most people would catch on.

Every time I go to court (have lost count), the judge finds N/BPDx in contempt of court, and orders him to pay my legal fees. I have to take him to court to get him to comply with the order to pay fees. So then I pay legal fees to get the legal fees, which he is then ordered to pay too. Cycle continues. My ex is an attorney representing himself. Maybe I should start charging admission and see if I can generate some revenue in ticket sales. 

High-conflict divorces are nightmares. Make sure you document everything. I don't know what it's like to separate stuff if you aren't married -- my court is family law. Not sure what court you're dealing with? But the pattern of entitled behavior, making stuff up, creating chaos, that seems pretty standard for what people here experience.

Sorry. Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? Even if you aren't married, it might help to read it. It'll give you a good idea about how BPD and courts mix. The legal process tends to be very triggering and adversarial in nature, which inflames the high conflict.

You gotta do what you gotta do.   Accept that reality, defend yourself with the documentation and forge ahead.

Major items should not get dropped.  Even if it's of little consequence you may want to still include minor items in all your documentation to build the biggest mountain of documentations.  You can only negotiate or mediate from a position of Maximum Documentation.  But - without showing your cards in advance - be prepared to "let it go" or at least the minor things when the time comes for the serious settlement sessions.