BPDFamily.com

my exBPDgf devalued and broke up with me one month ago. the relationship was a month but it was so intense initially with idealization stage then lots of mood swings and Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) with her exbf. after breaking up with me she travelled to another country for a month and today she is back. i have the big urge to call her though i have been maintaining no contact for a month now. she did not bat an eye or have any empathy to even check on me on a humanitarian level. i know that there is a chance that she might find me a target for recycling but still i feel like i need my dose of cocaine. what shall i do ?

Antony_James, ask yourself what you need from her?  What is it that you are lacking that you think this woman can give you?

Why has she hooked you so much that you recognise how she mistreats you, and yet this does not cause you to push away from her?

I need my dose of cocaine - This made me laugh. I can relate. It was quite a bit like a hardcore drug addiction, now wasn't it?

Seriously? The only thing you can do is to continue NC. Like many of us, you're probably conflicted because somewhere within you want to see her again and you want closure.

As you sit and think on how great those bumps of cocaine are, remember the nosebleeds and sense that your heart might explode. In short, remember the abuse. Chances are, it was more prevalent than the love, which is why this is BPD and why you are here.

you contacting her will enable her and excuse her abusive behavior. and realize that this is all a game to them when it comes to exes and moving on. if you knew her past you would probably see tons of guys pining and asking her "why?" and telling her they still had feelings for her, while she soaks it up spits them out and moves onto the next. as painful as it is you just have to realize that she may have fooled you then but don't let her pull her isht again. i think some healthy anger might be appropriate to draw the boundaries you need to not reach out to her. she doesn't deserve it. where'd your anger go? find it and let it save you! 

Thanks for saying that goldylamont. This is something I've been coming to terms with six months out.

We were the latest casualty. We were food for the BPD. We weren't people. We were used to try and fill an empty void. We weren't special or unique. We were their vampiric lifeblood. 

no prob numb_buddha, i speak from experience--after breaking up i found an old unused phone of my ex's and found tons of texts the ex before me had sent her, pining for her saying he still loved her, saying sorry even though he was the one that was probably being abused. so glad i got to see that. showed me what not to do... .

Maybe not a good time to mention it, but in many cases, our partners filled a huge void that we had.  Were they our vampiric lifeblood - or is cocaine a better word?    :)


Isn't this like saying a bottle of beer recycled me?  We seek it out.


4 weeks and crash, idealization, back to the old boyfriend, mood swings.  Was yours a rebound relationship for her?

What is it that is so attractive to you?

Good point, Skip. It's easy for me to make this all about her without acknowledging my own co-dependency. For me I'd say it was like a cocaine bump. I really grew to get my high when validated or acknowledged by her. The devaluation and rages were not fun at all, but long live the highs I though.

I knew it wouldn't last the moment I knew BPD is what I was dealing with, deny the truth as I did for months. And, I'm grateful for that. Thanks to the internet and all my research, I really did get a good sense of what I'm up against. Barring long term DBT there is pretty much zero hope for this demographic, sadly.

For the partners that are in the clinical range, there is no question that they are going to have a life if instable relationships and struggles.

For everyone else, including ourselves, it all depends on how we grow ourselves.

Just remember the famous quote: "Fool me once, shame on YOU. Fool me twice. Shame on me."

As others said, don't enable her. When they keep being enabled, their narcissistic side kicks in, and they get the idea that they are not the ones with a problem. Rather they get the sick idea that what they are doing is right, and that those "poor asss" (what goes on in their mind) deserve it.

Break the cycle and keep NC. That's what liberated me and many others here.

And be gentle to yourself my friend! Love yourself. That is the only love you will ever need. Everything else is nice and extra, and certainly desirable, but not necessary. When you start thinking that way, things start falling back into their place. You can't change them. But you can change yourself - for the better.

I know how hard it is, you imagine that you can reason with them and come to some closure, however that is not what they want, they want to maintain the fuel of animosity to maintain their stance and move on, don't contact, write a letter but never send it, write your feelings down but don't share them with the BPD, live the best life you can without them, all the best

I already know her past. she is a maniac woman who is 29 and had a divorce, three broken engagements and 4 ex bfs and not to mention 2 ABORTIONS ! she victimized herself during the idealization phase. after the idealization phase she started Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) with her last ex bf (meeting him always in hotels as "friends" lol). she is in contact with every single man she has dated in her life. she is like keeping them in the closet for rainy days.

now i think it is a rebound relationship with BPD. Initially i thought maybe it is only a rebound relationship and i was not being objective and trying to make her crazy but then i thought that i initially tried to break up with her and she persuaded me back next day through sex (the talk did not get me cause it was not logical) and she continued her abuse for another 2 weeks. If this was just a rebound relationship then she would have let me go. if this was only a rebound relationship then she might not have abused me emotionally and mentally.

what is attractive to me is the idealization phase and all the attention and love. i know i have my issues and i am working on them right now.

thank you for these wise words. unfortunately i have not been following this post for long and unfortunately i did enable her actually i said sorry for nothing i did wrong and i got the silent treatment. i re initiated no contact again now and i am seeing a therapist and i am trying to move on. I even have seen her by coincidence in a coffee shop and i acted like i don't even recognize her (thats a good step for me after trying to chase her). After the mistake of trying to call her again and say sorry i have learned that closure is in NC. these creatures do not know empathy and can't take any blame or say sorry about anything which is needed for a closure. Closure for me now is to go on with my life, try to make it happier and healthier.