BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Second post tonight but this one is a topic I am struggling with and NEED all the advice I can get.

Our 18BP has wrecked her aunts car's three times, one totaled.  Smokes pot, drinks alcohol, does drugs, has no boundaries, we cannot enforce curfew.  We have no clue who most of her friends are... . different vehicle picks her up and drops her off.  I had her follow me from a mechanic the other day and she text the entire time while driving.

She attends school 3 hours a day, but misses school at least twice a week and is tardy those days.  Many anxiety attacks and anger bursts.

Just curious... . how many parents give them a car to drive?

Thank you,

Krystal

Dear kyrstal

I want to welcome you here. I am sorry you are struggling with your dd and you ask a very interesting question. I really think it depends on the person if they are able to handle the responsibilty of driving. My dd16 took a little longer to learn and actually had an accident in the parking lot of the DMV... . yes hard to believe but she got her license that day after she calmed down. Driving seems to be just one of your problems you are having with your dd.

Personally I like that my dd is driving because it give me something to tak away if she is not behaving. I also thik it gives my dd a lot of self confidence and something to be proud of.(she doesn't many of these these things) We bought our dd a used car for xmas and told her if she kept her grades up she could drive herself to school. Her grades recently took a nose dive and we took the car away... . she worked very hard to get her grade back up and now is driving again... . so for us we use it as a tool to help motivate her to stay on track.

ARe you able to take her car away? If she is not attending school I would certainly consider doing that. Is your dd getting any therapy? On any meds? Pleae tell us more... .

This is a tough question.  I think the key here is boundaries - let her use a family car if she can adhere to certain boundaries - probably regarding curfew, drug use, and school attendance.  If she doesn't meet those boundaries, simply tell her "NO" and let her be upset.  My worry is that if she does something irresponsible with a car registered to you, YOU could be held liable either through your insurance company or through lawsuit.  Imagine if she takes your car while high, crashes into someone else who gets injured - YOU will be paying the insurance bill, and possibly be sued for medical bills as well.  Another key here is if you set boundaries regarding vehicular use, be sure to communicate those boundaries with other family members so that she doesn't just turn to them and play off their sympathy.  Boundaries need to be consistent in order to work.

I know it's extremely exhausting to deal with these issues, and I am so sorry you are having to face this.  Is there a way you can take time out for yourself sometime today or over the next few days?  Do something fun just for you, and take your mind away from all this madness?  I know it helps me.  Hang in there, we are here to help.

Thank you so much for your opinions and answers... . so far both of these replies have given me brilliant ideas!  Right at this point, she has no boundaries, she believes that she is 18 and can do whatever she wants.  No consequences... . however, if we lend family car for work (she just got a job, but cant keep one) and school (the little she attends) it may be the key to building trust.  We can drug test, and if it comes up positive, car is out.  We have a way to monitor speed, texting and location with her phone (she is unaware).  I love technology, but I have found that kids can find a way to disable program if they know we are tracking!

You were dead on when you mentioned liability.  We work very hard for what we have.  This far, there is no respect for anything in our home.  I won't buy new furniture or carpet... . what makes me think she will respect a car... . especially if its just an old Toyota Camry?  And, its just for school and work!

Husband feels its only fair to buy first car (we did it for others), BP feels she is entitled, I feel it is a privilege.

krystal,

Yes, technology can be so very helpful. We used a tracking device on BPDSD's phone to make sure she was where she said she was when she was still living under our roof. Her Dad purchased the car for her when she turned 18 although it was not a birthday gift. He made her search for the car in the newspaper and make appointments to see cars and in the end he gave her two options of cars to buy, in our budget and she really didn't like either one of them... . not flashy enough. No leather interiors. No sound systems. It is a basic CAR and it's an ugly color but it works.

She has wrecked it several times and it is dirty and smells gross but it is the only car we will ever buy her and she hasn't earned enough yet to buy a new one, although this is her goal. She now pays for her own car insurance but we have control of getting the money to the insurance company.

We had so many rules for her when she was still living at home. All of the rules concerning the car were about safety. We did have to take the car away when we found out she was drinking and driving... . found out then she had been drugging and drinking too. Until she got sober, we didn't let her have the car back. jellibeans is right, it becomes leverage because if there is something my BPDSD22 loves, it is her freedom to drive in her car. We did not let her drive to school though. We lived within walking distance and none of her friends had cars (she had younger friends her last two years of high school due to her immaturity) and we didn't want to foster her driving herself and other kids off campus.

She was given the car because she had a job and after the first two years of driving her back and forth to her job it was nice to be able to quit that and let her have the car. It did give her enough freedom to get herself into trouble but I'm not sure not having the car would have slowed her down much.

Good luck... . this is a difficult time for kids in general, much less if they suffer with a personality disorder.

Thursday

Unless she can pass drug tests and prove to you she's not texting and driving, which I believe can be just as dangerous as driving drunk or drugged, I would absolutely not allow her to drive.  Her current behavior puts her at a  high risk of injuring or killing either herself or someone else.  She would never agree with that, I'm sure, because teens in general think they're invincible and BPD's in particular cannot take responsibility. 

It sounds like you're on top of it.  Good luck with what I know (because I remember) is a very serious issue.