BPDFamily.com

Hello BPD family,

I have missed you. I check in occasionally to read, but theres not much new to post. Do you remember my story?

One and a half years after I left uBPDh with children D12 and S10.

Were not married so not court action taken, i was hoping we could reach an agreement for the kids but thats not been easy. I rented a new house about half a mile from the old house where he still lives. The kids spent Monday to Wednesday with him basically after school and sleeping there, then Thursday to Sunday with me. I take them to school every day even if they are staying with him.

I am sitting outside a clinic. I know he has been seeing a doctor of some sort here. I spoke to her in December, she said he had only recently started coming to her, and she needed more time. Today is my first appointment. I know Im going to cry.

I'm so sorry.  May I ask why you're seeing his therapist?  Is this something he asked you to do?

Good question. Has anyone else done this? Because  I suppose it helped me to have a professional confirm that he is suffering from a personality disorder, maybe I have too much self doubt, his behaviour is still very erratic, I am worried about him, I feel guilty for abandoning him, I dont want to give up on him, he is the father of my children and I was with him for 13 years.

Hello cmjo.   Thank you for coming back to post.   I would like to give you an alternative perspective, if only to help set expectations.

By law, I'm not sure his therapist will be able to say anything to you about his treatment.   And, honestly, I'm not sure that is a place you want to start.   

I know this hurts, tremendously, and you articulate very well why it hurts, especially given the children and the time & effort invested in the relationship.  Copied below is something written here:  Article 7: Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder  (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a107.htm)

I found this very helpful.   It prompted me to seek my own therapy.  Does that make sense?

Take Care of Yourself First

... . Never to forget - this is their journey alone, and not yours. You can support them, but it can't be your life plan.

... . It's important that you honestly look at your self, take your own inventory, enter into some counselling of your own. There will be huge life changes before you, and you need to understand them clearly, and make decisions wisely;

... . that your loved one's therapy is not what you are basing your emotional well-being, boundaries, or life choices on - you need your own life plan;

I found the session with the therapist helpful.

Firstly because she told me what I would never know from him, that he had started well, and he had reported a major breakthough earlier this year when he seemed to become more responsible and mature, and came to meals in my new house which he had never done since I left. But she was also aware that he had relapsed into a major down spiral again, and wanted to give up therapy, but she had persuaded him to stick with it.

She also gave me some help on how to deal with stuff, to let go of the guilt, to not let his behaviour hurt me, and she saw how much I suffered, i was carrying around a self destructive weight of suffering, she said why just dont you try and put it down now and again, give your self some space? So I feel like every now and again I take off thie 30kg backpack and breathe!

She said she would talk to him about his relapse and closure because it was very unhealthy as parents that there was no communication.

You are right that this is my journey now, but I think we were so enmeshed in the relationship I am really struggling to detach, others might have been able to let go a long time ago. He knows I went to see the doctor, I think he was pleased. But he still wont forgive me for leaving, last night on the phone I still heard how I had destroyed the family and left him a dead man and the children have every right to hate me too from making them leave their home. I am a total b___. Yet he says he still loves me. How can that be when he can be so hurtful?

I need my own therapy to get out of this I guess.

I have seen my ex therapist who practiced in dbt. Initially i had gone to learn how to talk to my ex since every word out of my mouth seemed to trigger the most vile snake venom from his and i ended up retaliating. I also wnet because towards the end my ex had me so messed up i thought i had this and needed to find out. My ex was disaprinted i did not. Ha. Then when my ex let threatening to kill himself i went because i wanted his therapist to know. Cause my ex said he was gonna right a note to his children saying he did it because of me. I had all kinds of motives. But i guess the best for me to hear was there was nothing i could do or say or not do or not say to help his situation if he don't take action to help himself. Then he said do u want to spend the rest of your life being verbally atracked. I got some peace knowing his doctor understood.