BPDFamily.com

Hey Leaving Board!

I know when I first came here, I was a bit of a mess - as we all are.  Learning about BPD - the facts - helped me to depersonalize the experience.

One thing that I have noticed getting lost in this message is the FACT - we then still have to feel the feelings.  Our feelings do not go away because we depersonalize the actions - if anything, my feelings were actually amplified because I could then feel the very real, deep pain.

Steps to detachment - 1 - Acknowledgement

Are you enmeshed in the disorder even if apart or NC?  I was for quite a while.  What that looked like for me was obsessing over BPD rather than my own emotions... . on one hand, that helped me function, but on the other hand - it was keeping me stuck.

Acknowledging this fact helped me start to get "unstuck" in that phase to where I could really begin to work with feelings besides panic and anger.



If you see yourself in this phase - tell us about it.

If you recognize this phase and got past it -tell us how you did it - the "aha".

Peace,

SB

I don't know what phase I'm on but it hurts like hell.

Coming up to 3 weeks no contact and I'm about to burst.

I'm constantly making deals with myself.

If I try and face the fact that she might never contact me again then I collapse in despair. So for me to function I tell myself that she will be back somewhere down the line.

I then have an internal struggle trying to determine when that might be.

The BPD stuff isn't helping much because I say to myself that she is more like my to be back because of the disorder and our past behaviours. BUT then I say this time was more final on her part because of the nature of the breakup so I won't ever see her again. Then complete despair. I really need help.

If I look at the facts there's no way on earth she's coming back. Then the BPD stuff comes into the equation, like she can change her mind etc and fall back in 'love'.

It's all about her. Some days I can't bring it back to me at all. Especially if I had a drink the night before. Obsession and bargaining with myself with 'will she back' how can I break this cycle?

Thanks

Hey, you acknowledged where you are - no right or wrong on this... . and I can tell you one thing for sure - if feels horrible now (I puked every day for about a month, I remember)... . but it will get better, honestly.   


This is a good strategy and aligns with the bargaining phase of grief.  If this helps you get the time under your belt to not fall completely apart, it is working for you.


You know what helped me some?  Reading the staying board (not posting), but reading how much struggle there is over there.  It kinda helped me stop romanticizing it all... . combined with article 9 - False Beliefs that kept me stuck I was able to slowly detach.


It hurts to feel this, I know - you are right however.  IT is one of the False Beliefs actually - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits.

Unknown to you, there were likely significant   periods   of   shame,   fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.


I stayed away from alcohol for a bit, it just made things worse.


You know what Front Runner - this is where you are... . all of us on these boards have been in these same shoes.  You are not alone.

It isn't glamorous or easy, but there is a basic formula that tends to work.

1 - The basics - eat, sleep, exercise (staying away from drugs and alcohol)

2- start therapy

3- pick something you have always wanted to do and do it.  A new goal helps (it doesn't FEEL better immediately, but the new focus over time helps tremendously).

4 - cry (rinse & repeat)

5 - Read the lessons and workshops here

Thank you for sharing Front Runner!

Peace,

SB

I think depersonalization was the first thing my T talked about when issues arose with my pwBPD.  I read a lot about BPD, technically I understand many aspects and how and why I got involved. That being said, I seem to be having some delayed reaction, or as has been said before, finally grieving the end.  Many many aspects of this rs read like a BPD textbook, but there are two human beings involved here, me, and her.

I think when I wrote yesterday on another thread that the "loss of hope" is profoundly sad, that in the actual writing it struck something inside of me, deeply and I'm lower today than in many months.  A couple of weeks ago I experienced some pretty deep sadness and know that it was in conjunction with some other stuff in my life, loss... .

I know I am not where I was when I first came here in Dec. 2011, That's a good thing.

I know I am not in denial. I accept my former gf is seriously ill.  I know that nothing will ever be the same again between us, ie the "honeymoon, idealization" phase, or even some kind of quasi friendship.  I accept that I was emotionally abused, and most of the time did not deserve it, I know I'm no paragon of virtue, and made things worse at times.  I knew by telling her the truth of how I really felt, after being in denial about it, or pretending out of fear, that it would close the door to ANY type of relationship with her, and I was right.  I'm proud of myself for speaking my truth.  I was loving and kind.  Many other truths I could've spoken I elected not to do so.  I think I am in the depths of my grief?  And I also think my heart is still attached.

CiF

CIF - you outlined really well what I thinking about for this thread




I distinctly remember joking that I know as much about BPD as many T's - and the truth was, I did.

That didn't stop the inevitable pain and grief that I would have to feel.  And it took me some real time to get to the place of hopelessness - that no matter what, it really is over.

Depersonalizing for me was like getting the ride to stop.  But once it was stopped, I realized I was 1,000 feet in the air, upside down with one hand tied behind my back - how the heck was I going to get back to ground level and balanced, unscathed?

The secret - it wasn't pretty and I was pretty banged up falling down some... . but we all find our ground in time - and it comes when we act in the face of our fears.

But the first real step - acknowledgment that we are indeed 1,000 feet high, upside down and one hand tied... . but hey, we start where we are, right?

Thanks for sharing CIF... . you really are further along than you even know. 

SB-Great topic here, and timely for me personally.  I think I am almost through the depersonalizing phase.  I read a great deal and posted on this site many times.  I was clearly obsessing over BPD because it was all new to me.  Even with each recycle I would "forget" what her behavior was like.  

For me I was "stuck" because I was having a really hard time processing my emotions because of the mixed messages and confusion that comes with BPD.  Many times I really didn't know what I was feeling.  I would research and read and say oh yeah that is what I am feeling after relating to someones post.  But I was having such a hard time wrapping my head around everything.

I really think I am coming out of this phase by concentrating on my needs and MY responsibility in this.  She didn't do all these horrible things to me, I allowed her to do these things and run circles around my boundaries.

I'm in the 'trying to let go' phase.  No matter what this man has done to me, to the kids and in past relationships - the lying, the cheating, the baiting, the creeping me out with his weird stuff, the EVERYTHING, I have never stopped loving him nor being in love with him. 

It's all great and good to admit that he has a serious psychological issue - I get that.  But it doesn't change my feelings for him.  What DID shift for me about a week ago was that I realize that, no matter how I feel, there is no way that we can be together in any kind of relationship.  Kind of like... .   I want it but can't have it.  I am learning to accept that.  I feel much better just having had that revelation.  It was his stupid trick with hiding the cond#ms in his jacket that did it.  I completely freaked out, and then I was, like, WOW.  This guy is seriously messed up.  And then a shift happened in me.

I've been married to this guy for 17 years.  My road will be long.

Glad you joined the party Tincup - you highlighted on something really import in stage 1 - acknowledging we don't even know what or why we are feeling something... . I was good at anger, but the other emotions - not so much!


I am analytical by nature, so there was a puzzle element for me in this too - a nice distraction.


This is such a good statement for others to read - it is so helpful when others who can articulate their own feelings do when we are so lost.


Was there an "aha" event or was it a process over time that needed to occur to get to this line of thinking?

Thanks for chiming in KitKat!


So true, feeling are not facts and trying to make them facts really is a no win for anyone involved.


17 years is a long time - be good to yourself through all of this.

Best,

SB

Yeah, I'm 1000 feet upside down, hanging by one arm, AND I can't breathe because the snot has all rushed to my head from crying  .  You're right, not a great place.  I really have a lot of clarity, felt as though I had a grasp and knew my mission. I know in my head that detachment is freedom, it puts me on better ground, can someone send a cherry picker to pluck me down?  I feel like falling on my head is the only thing that will snap me outta this though.

That was true for me, also. It was a depressing place to be and also very liberating (realizing there is no beating BPD). I still wish there were some way but there just isn't. For me, staying and leaving both spelled pain, and I was desperately avoiding both. In the end I was no longer out to be a doormat and I stopped letting things slide for the sake of peace (peace being she does what she wants and I shut up). She did me the favor in ending it. I do thank her for that or I might still be on that weird fence of wanting to stay and wanting to leave... .

Here is a secret, you will eventually end up on the ground - how you get there is up to you... .


nope - your ex is not that cherry picker 

You gotta save yourself my friend.

So, how do you learn how to breathe through the other nostril and get quiet?  If you spin around too much, you might slip - and that certainly causes a panic, doesn't it?

SB-It was both actually.  I analyze everything in order to process it.  So time AWAY and NC from her was needed for me to process.  

But I think the "aha" event was realizing that I would not allow ANYONE to treat me the way I was treated.  Meaning if a friend had done 1/4 of the same things I would of just written them off as NOT a friend of mine, and certainly not someone that had my best interest at heart.  

Thanks for joining us Numb Buddha!


So, in terms of the 5 Stages of Detachment and acknowledgment - this sounds like a really big realization for you!

I don't know how to stop loving her, even from afar cuz I know she isn't coming back.

Part of what got me to finally detach was actually starting to take it more personally. This is even after she'd repeatedly told me she did things intentionally to hurt me. I'd made excuses for her, believed hers, and took it on when she said it was my fault. Found this site, learned about PD traits, worked things out in T... . But I kept pushing some of it aside, thinking love would be enough, and people in love do not abuse each other. Negative patterns overwhelmed the r/s. It was when I stopped circling around the facts, and really faced them, that I was able to get myself and my emotions out of there, where I've made more sense of the bigger picture. Forgive her? Sure. Forget her? Never. Not sure I'll ever find true freedom, but detachment is well on its way.

I wish I could cry

Great contribution myself - depersonalizing to the point of numbing and devaluing our own emotions.

So... . acknowledging our REAL emotions takes some time perhaps?

you will

She did some very ugly things to me, things hard to overlook which finally made me end it.  I realized she never said what she truly meant, in fact most things she said she actually did and felt the total opposite!  She's bad for me, bad to me, and I'm not going to pave her way back this time as historically I've done.  It feels over too.  But I don't want to have these loving feelings for her anymore.  I've forgiven her, too much really because I always saw through what caused the issue, that kept me in doormat mode and I'm not doing that anymore.

Talk to as many people as possible whom you can trust. For some here, I know that is hard.

I talked to my mom last night to update her on what was going on. My mom periodically physically, verbally and emotionally abused me as a kid, suffers from severe depression, and has several BPD traits, though probably not enough for a dX. I got to a point almost 20 years ago where I forgave her for my childhood, and said it to her face. Things got better after that, though I keep a distance still. I then opened up about some of the more extreme incidents in my r/s, and my mom was shocked, "I never knew that, I'm sorry that happened to you. Wow."

My mom is a nurse, and knows something about BPD, which she became aware of in the '80s, she says. Leaving aside that, it helped give me more perspective on my uBPDx and my r/s. Even two months ago, just after she moved out, I still had a small feeling in the back of my mind like, "surely there was something I could have done to make it better, perhaps she will come back at some point" though logically I know this can't ever happen, not only for me, but for our children.

Getting my mother's perspective, which was a real reaction--- empathetic, not manipulative, helped me detach even more. I think what helped, as opposed to the reactions of my friends, is that it was just that: empathy, rather than judgement of my Ex.

That must have been very validating for you Turkish.

That's awesome Turkish. I had issues I've put to bed w my own mom.  She's been wonderful but she's sick, but she's also smart and knew something was rotten in Denmark!

I'm all about keeping it fun and light hearted for her, she took care of me now it's my turn

Thanks for the great thread here SB... . and for all of your insightful posts!

I believe I am working through stages 1 thru 3 in my Detatching with NC

Where I think I hang up... . is the continued analyzing of the whole BPD dynamic and the entire r/s that I just came out of...

Yes... . the upside down thing ... . 1000 feet up as SB said!

I've acknowledged the fact( 100 %) that my exBPD was a very disordered individual... and with my codependency issues is made for the "perfect storm" if you will... . for both of us.

I think as much as I try and ground myself and continue to settle... . in the back of my mind it's always ever present that there is still more trauma left. I am smack in the middle of my divorce process and awaiting her signatures and a court date... . and quite frankly it's almost like I CANT fully detatch because of my anticipation of things to come.

Does this make sense to any of you... .

As much as NC contact has helped me (tremendously I might add) it's like I know the shoe is still going to drop here... . A little anxiety maybe although nothing like I endured in the 4+ years I was with her

All the good things I have done... . well it seems as if my heart is still attached and my gut tells me ... . uh oh

I want to honestly say that I have done some amazing work for just 3 months out... .

Eating better

Exercising

Setting some goals

Staying away from drugs and alcohol

Also instead of pushing the feelings or ruminations down ... . I stop... . recognize them... . and quickly put them on a little leaf and send it down the river... . a sort of visualization of sorts ... . it which I let it go and watch it float away.

But I believe I am a long way from fully Detatching

Can we really fully detatch... . until in some way... . all the pieces of the relationship being over ... . come to be?  In my case... . my day in court where I can finally "walk away"!

The head and heart on the same page if you will... .

YEP - makes complete sense to me.

This is exactly where you are and it is true you are stuck in a holding pattern and the next level likely won't come until it is really all done.  I was surprised when I had a real hard time months after it was all done - the divorce process does keep a bit of a tie.  The difference was that I had established better tools for coping in the deep sadness, so it didn't feel as life shattering.


good stuff here - I hope you can use the actions as a way to rebuild your own self-worth... . these simple things are not in any way easy to do  |iiii


IMHO - my rambling

I think the word detach in the beginning - phases is important - but when we are at the 4 & 5 steps - especially Freedom it is less important.  My ex can cross my mind in either kindness or anger and I can let it go pretty quickly and it is not effecting how I live my life.  But, if she called - I am pretty sure I would panic a bit - does that make me less detached or does it make me human?  Not sure and I don't really care these days... . maybe that is freedom.

Thanks for sharing Cimbaruns - a good perspective from someone going through the divorce process.

I think as much as I may be in a "holding pattern"... . I can't help but feel that is allowing me the time to be with this whole divorce process.

I almost feel that it's allowing me to run the scenario through ... . so as to be with ALL of the possible feelings that I may experience on that day in court where I have to come FACE TO FACE with all of it!

I believe that the coping skills that I am learning now will give me the strength to hit this thing head on... .

All those emotions will be thrown out there ... . swirling around like that crazy merry go round that I rode for so many years... . The guilt. The shame the anger the blame... . holy cow... . it'll be a maelstrom... .

However one thing will be different... .

It'll be about ME this time... . a stronger me... . a little anxious no doubt... . but off the ride and grounded... . and most of all... . ready to live my life for ME

A lot of work to do once finalized... . but with a renewed sense of purpose!

Peace and strength to all here facing the same

i'm completely enmeshed.  I wasn't even aware of the concept until I was wailing to my T... . "What is wrong with me?  Why am I obsessed with someone who was so horrible to me?"  He said okay, here you go.  I've done some reading on enmeshment since then.  He had his enmeshment issues and I had mine.  A big part of mine was feeling responsible for his feelings.  (Still do.)  My T believed it was FOO issues... . I don't know... . we didn't get that far.  I do know that in my marriage, which certainly had it's share of problems... . this wasn't an issue.  Or at least I believe it wasn't an issue.  So it's an interesting dynamic in this relationship.  He had realized he was BPD not long before we met.  He had been dating a woman for about three months and she was the first one he told.  The first time he lost it and raged at her she left.  For good.  He was devastated.  So I invested so much in understanding this condition and learning communication tools etc.  I'm sure I know a helluva a lot more than he does about the disorder.  But all that "work" on the rs didn't ultimately matter.  Because I was the only one working on it.

Acknowledging that had to feel rough... . it really is an "aha" when we know more than they do - yet it doesn't always save the relationship. 

Enmeshed is a tricky spider web to get away from - do you trust your T to help guide you out?

I started keeping a "Sh*t List". Whenever she did something nasty to me I would record it on my "Sh*t List" while the emotions were still raw. Time dulls the pain, so whenever I feel my defences braking down I consult my S.L. and I regain my resolve.

Me too. She treated me horribly one night and I've never felt as bad as I did the next day. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. It was awful.

 :light: I think I'll put my *___ list* on my phone to whip it out when I need it!  Can't carry my journal around, you'd have to kill me if I dropped it somewhere 

CiF

Great topic and very interesting discussion!  :)


My experience was the same, myself. I could understand why the r/s happened the way it did, and I could see that I could never win a fight with BPD, and I knew that the best thing for both of us was to detach completely. However, it wasn't until I started taking things more personally (not just "oh, it was the BPD talking" all the time) that I was able to see how truly toxic he and the r/s were for me. So now, I still love him and have empathy for him, but I am so over him that I can't even believe I was ever under him. 

Ha, funny! Detaching/depersonalizing for me was hardest when I still believed that she was the key to my happiness--because I was happy with her for a long time. Until, I wasn't.

So I thought about it--was having unfettered dark goth sex w a young woman, the key? Were endearing moments and domestic comfort the key? Were general companionship and having a fine girl/woman around all the time the key? Was having her help w my kid's the key?

And I determined that surely those were the keys... . and w/out her I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life... .

But that's addiction speaking. Then there's withdrawal. Which is painful. And renewal, where you start to get in touch with yourself, again. And hey, slowly, this being by myself after 25 years of relationships isn't so bad. I kinda like aspects of it--it's growing on me. Hey, you mean I can actively choose who I want to date--instead of being a lemming and running over the cliff. Wow, who woulda thunk?

So it's an unwinding process... . from inclinations that haven't always provided prototypical happy endings. There are no guarantees--but the one constant is me, myself and I. That's ok too, because there's a lot to be said for gaining clarity w/out distractions. That little recalcitrant, rebellious, stubbornly immature part of myself that is being challenged.    

SB:  Unable to see T now so I need to figure this out on my own.

I wish all I've learned about BPD helped me depersonalize this more.  It has helped me to understand his behaviors but I still struggle with his decision to end this rs.  For the second time.  He can look at himself and admit that he has issues but that doesn't change the fact that he has decided he'll be happier with someone else.  He was looking for someone to understand him, accept and work with his disorder.  Love him in spite of it.  I did that.  He still dumped me.  In his fashion... . which is creating a scenario in which I walk away and then blaming the break up on me. Tough not to personalize that.  It's a little easier the second time around.  Because I watched him go from no longer wanting anything to do with me to desperately wanting me back.  So I understand how changeable his feelings are.  But it still hurts like hell.  And doesn't change the fact that I still love, miss and yearn for him.

I am finding myself absolutely caught in this phase obsessing over BPD and learning everything I can about the disorder and any related disorders. I too, like many Non's feel like I am becoming an expert in the world of BPD and PD. I find myself this time (4th break up), 6 weeks NC with my ex-uBPDgf looking for everything I can to substantiate my decision that I must leave her. Even though my T tells me it doesn't really matter what the label is. Its the actions that speak lauder than her words. I still feel that I am letting her down by not sticking with her and by leaving. It is hard and you are filled with so much guilt to let someone that you love so much go because they suffer from an illness. I think this is the hardest part for me. So, it does help to be able to have that BPD label because it helps me dig up the inner strength that I need to walk away knowing that I can't save her and that things will not change unless of course she is willing to seek out a great T and jump hard into DBT, which she isn't even at the acceptance stage yet.

I do think it has helped me get through some very difficult days and it certainly helps to hear other similar stories and get well needed support from the BPD Family. I can see how one can get so obsessed over it that you can stay stuck which is an interesting thought. I wonder if I am doing this so much to help me get over her OR am I trying to find anything that I can use to tell me to keep hanging on. That's pretty amazing and scary.  It is an interesting thought though and one that I have to admit has made me re-consider where I am at with my healing process.

I am going to continue to stay on the boards because I believe it is helping me with my journey but I am going to be careful to make sure that I am moving forward and not backwards.

Thank you so much for bringing this up for discussion.

Cheers... .



Thank you for bringing this thought to our attention.

Sorry, I accidentally posted this to the wrong thread... .

Thanks for jumping in HappyNihilist - and congrats on Ambie!

So, when you acknowledged you needed to take it more personally - what EMOTION came up for you (you get the hard questions now   )

[quote author=Conundrum link=topic=224431.msg12426507#msg12426507

Detaching/depersonalizing for me was hardest when I still believed that she was the key to my happiness--because I was happy with her for a long time. Until, I wasn't.

    [/quote]
oh yeah - one of the 10 False Beliefs... . good one Conundrum!

[This post began yesterday, but wasn’t able to finish it until now. So everyone please imagine this is yesterday afternoon lol]

Talk about timely? I was just heading out the door, but checked the board before I went.

For about the last week our so, I have really detached. I had a hard session with my T and my T brought me to the realization that I can care for my uBPDex's family with out letting it hook me. Her father had a heart attack (the whole event posted elsewhere). My T helped me realize the the desire to be involved and want contact was the part of the enmeshment I needed to resolve to heal. I decided to love her family (and her) from a distance and keep working on detaching.

My T even said I should tell her boys that it is too complicated to continue "hangin." She said I should have a conversation with them and tell them it is making it too difficult for their mom. (Using my replacement as an excuse [not wanting to complicate that] rather than that I am an extreme trigger for her) I was hoping to talk to them today.

Then I found out (enmeshment: I have too much info) today, that she had a blow-up with her youngest S15 and kicked him out to his father's. He and his father have no relationship. The father is a pretty self-centered man who makes no effort to be in their lives. I was the only partner who has been able to even carry on a conversation with him. His is a bit of an odd duck, but that could be his up-bringing, the severe head wound sustained in a plane crash or surviving 17 years with an uBPDw! All equal in my book.

Anyway, S15 not only dislikes his father (with some good reason), he hates his father's home, no internet, cable or anything.

I have watched my ex on about six occasions doing this to him. I did not understand her reactions, but I came from a far worse upbringing, so figured it was not so bad. I now understand that this is her dysregulating.

I was clearer in a lesser event.

S18 turned 18 while we were on holiday in the Caribbean. The first day he came back he went out and bought an e-cigarette. It is the only thing he could do at 18 that he couldn't at 17. Now, he is a MAJOR fitness freak. He is ranked fourth in Ontario in mountain biking. He watches everything he puts into his body and since these have no nicotine, he allowed himself to have some fun. He came home with it so excited to buy one. He in no way would ever get into vaping. His mother lost it. She screamed how no one would bring such a thing into her home. Blamed me for my history with smoking. His moment of joy suddenly turned into tremendous guilt.

S15 has been much more difficult. He is headstrong and stubborn underlined by incredible intelligence. He once told me that he only has a couple carefree years left to do what he wants as a kid. “I know mom will never do what she threatens. I know she loves me and won’t actually do it.” He can be a devil. lol But in those times when my ex dysregulates, his toughness collapses into the vulnerable boy he still is. He winds up crying in his room for hours.

So, when I heard this news, all I could think about was how he has taken on the guilt as deeply as I have. I wanted to go find out information. I wanted to meet mutual friends to see what happened. I wanted get to the bottom of this. I wanted to find a way to “protect” this kid from the destructive guilt that I took on from his mother... .

Then I found this thread. I stayed home and decided to post.



[Back to today]

I didn’t finish this post yesterday because S15 began texting me. We texted for hours about new musicians he has found. He has incredible insight to creative musicians. He has on so many occasions pointed me towards people who are doing amazing things in music (which is a deep passion of mine). It was a fantastic evening. No mention of current events.

My T was right. While doing very well on detaching from her, my love for her family hooks my “protector” and other issues. I did not created the dynamic between her and her sons. I cannot save them from yet another male figure disappearing from their lives. She and her BPD traits created this. I am not the solution nor even the band-aid.

Thanks to this thread, I stayed home. I was available and centered enough to have a mutually enlightening conversation with S15.

But I think I will wait a while before going N/C with the boys.

Timing combined with the willingness to learn & change - some folks call it luck others fate... . I kinda just put it into my gratitude list ... .

Thanks for sharing Pecator

Thank you!  :)

Anger was the first emotion that came up for me when I started taking his behavior more personally. I am not a person who really lives with a lot of anger. Of course I get angry sometimes, but I get over it quickly, and my "base state" is... . well, pretty happy.  :) So feeling such a deep, intense anger was very unusual for me.

My exbf (who had no shortage of anger) told me often that I needed to get angry more often. He would get angry "on my behalf" at something someone did/said to me. Mostly that was inconsequential stuff to me -- not the hill I want to die on, so to speak -- but I have realized that yes, I DO need to get angry when I'm mistreated. I don't have to act on my anger, but feeling angry reminds me that my boundaries have been crossed and I have a right not to tolerate that. Perhaps ironically, the person who most urged me to "get angry" at others became the recipient of a good 95% of my anger capacity.

I felt betrayed. I felt used. I felt cheated. I felt deceived. I felt like I'd been treated unfairly, even cruelly. And I got angry. And I needed that. I needed to stand up for myself, not necessarily in a literal way but mentally -- and by acknowledging and feeling my anger, I was able to do that.

SB, yes it was validating to get that from my mom. She has several BPD traits, but is in general a kind person. I had great empathy for her once she told me her FOO issues, long repressed, which came out in therapy after I left her home the day I turned 18.


That's great CiF! Yes, I did radical acceptance on my mom years ago, the last step being about a year ago. She's a severely wounded and emotionally delicate creature, despite years of therapy and meds, but she's still my mom, and she rescued me from foster care. Leaving aside her issues and our chaotic life, she's still my mom and I love her.