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I have been living away from my wife for 8 months now. We meet up for a few hours each week because I wanted to support her through her recent suicide attempt, her BPD got real bad. While this was going on I got a lawyer to draft up a separation agreement, which she currently has and is willing to get signed. I did this to protect myself financially, which she understands. It's amazing because I'm not even sure I do.

The simple solution would be to end it all right? In these past 8 months she committed therapy, gone through DBT and is slowly gaining control on her own through these difficult times. Just recently I've found myself struggling greatly with continuing down the path of divorce.

Just this past weekend she wanted an answer, either marriage counselling or for it to end. She said she needs to start to repair her life, which is understandable. I agreed that this situation needs to be resolved soon.

I'm sure it's no different than anyone else but here are the quick facts of our life together.

- did not tell me about BPD but did tell me about a lot of her struggles (diagnosed prior to us meeting)

- an affair (this is the tough one for me)

- excessive spending which she came around and repaid all her debts

- suicide attempts (happened because of the affair)

- eating disorder

- many lies

- and yes, lots of good times together (I really do mean this)

I know people don't like to tell others what to do in these situations but should I not just commit to marriage counselling and if that doesn't work, then cut all ties? Or would that just be giving her false hope? Or are these feelings normal at this point, especially seeing the person I first met and I should just continue on my way out, because with BPD it's all likely to happen again.

There has been so much pain these last few days. I havent felt like this for months.

Thanks for any help.

I do not know your full story. But I do believe that marriage is a commitment that we should TRY and keep if we can. I am not saying that anyone should stay in an abusive marriage... . but... . mental illness to me, is just the same as any other illness, and, your partner should try to support you through it.

That said - she committed adultery, which I am completely and utterly against.

You say she has committed herself to therapy. This is a good step. Have you ever been to marriage counselling together before? If not, I think you should certainly consider it. I don't think there is any shame in trying your hardest to make something work. Especially considering you are married. At least you won't look back wondering if you could have done anything more.

If marriage counseling does not work, what do you feel would?

Have you asked her why she is committed to DBT and therapy AFTER your separation? Is she trying to get better to save her current marriage, or to be better for the next one?

She gave you an ultimatum, counseling or divorce. Being that you are posting here, it sounds like you are not sure which would be better for you. What is keeping you from going down the path of counseling, seeing that she seems pretty committed at this point? Is it the past hurts, or the possibility of failure, or something else?

Mase,

At the end of the day, you are the one who has to be ok with your life choices.  There is no right or wrong and no easy road to take in this scenerio.  Both choices requires emotional effort, grief and faith.

During this 8 month separation, have you been in therapy yourself and have you been reading about BPD & DBT so that you could make  an informed decision?

Peace,

SB

Thanks for the responses.

sillyhead - we have not gone to marriage counselling before, up until this point I was done and never felt the need to consider it. I was 99% done and then my feelings for her started to creep back. However, I guess marriage counselling would be ok if I reminded her upfront where I stand at the moment.

WalrusGumBoot - She told me she will do whatever it takes to save the marriage. I believe her but I would hope she would continue either way. What's stoppping me? I guess the past does hurt but I can handle talking about it. I'm not fearful of marriage counselling not working, I think I'm almost fearful that it will work. I know that sounds crazy. She's doing well but she still isn't working and isn't in a relationship, the daily grind just isn't there. I'm fearfull of posting these exact messages three years from now. I'm not sure if these feelings are normal at this point during separation.

I feel I make excuses for her when it comes to the affair, that it really wasn't her at that time. She had done DBT before so she had the tools to deal with it, but when you are hiding it then you aren't taking the necessary steps to dealing with this illness. The wheels eventually fell off and she came crashing down hard. We all figured it started is when she went off her meds and we were trying to have children. She eventually snapped when we tried IVF. She wasn't herself for a year, her dad said it's the worst she's ever been.

You've been through a lot there, as it sounds. It's a bit scary to think that, given the development of your story, mine would end up being quite similar had I continued. She admitted to having BPD, but that is not why I left. I left because her lies and manipulations led me to believe that she would be very prone to further committing adultery had we continued. Being an INFP (we practically die before we give up our values), I decided that I had to end it for two reasons (among others):

1) Her sense of morality (or lack thereof) was fundamentally against what I stand by firmly in my life

2) The same thing would very likely make me cheat on her to get even (emotional pain coming from betrayal is a funny thing that transforms), and I think no person in the world is worth giving up the qualities that make you who you are. I'd never do anything like that so I had no other choice but to break it off. However, I was not married to her. Marriage vows are sacred to me, so I'd be in a wholly different position in that case.

I did forgive the betrayal, but that only means letting go. I could not allow myself to continue, even though my pain was something she'd kill herself over in an instant, had she had to endure it... .

I can't give you an advice. I described what I did, but that is me. Others find adultery less problematic (nothing wrong with that stance per se - the point is we ought to be true to ourselves), so they are able to look past that. Marriage does mean commitment, and it sounds like she may be committed to recovery. It's really a difficult position to be in. Regardless of what you decide, it's probably a good idea to talk to the lawyer about protecting yourself and your assets, and go from there. The only issue is that no lawyer can protect you from possible emotional hurt... .

Keep us in the loop and the best of luck with whatever you decide!

Seeking balance - I've seen my therapist the entire time. She is pretty much guiding me out the door and everyone around me says the exact same thing. I can't ignore everyone around me right? I did some research on DBT last year but not a lot recently.

coolioqq - thanks for sharing. Marriage vows mean a lot to me as well but I also cannot stand the thought of her cheating again. I believe that she can pull it together and eliminate some of these extreme symptoms but I've been wrong over and over again. She just goes from one thing to the next.

I think I'll put some serious consideration into marriage counselling. I don't know what to expect because they are very good at making people feel sorry for them (I know I do) and with the lies as well I just don't know how productive it can be. I want to go and be able to speak my mind but I'm not sure if she'll allow that.

Glad you are taking good care - so, why do you think your T is guiding you out the door?


Is it possible you could use marriage counselling as an unbiased 3rd party even if that 3rd party helps you in making the final decision to end your marriage? 

The other option would be go ahead and get the divorced filed and start at zero in terms of counselling - this way legally you have the worst over and you can focus on emotional only... . you can always remarry.

IVF is very emotional - BPD or not has lead to many marriages fail, I can appreciate your giving a pass during that stress - it is reasonable.

Overall - for you to go back in will require a HUGE test of faith (in yourself) and forgiveness - only you know if you are willing to do that. Radical Acceptance is a must.

Not really. I completely understand.


This is related to my previous point. It sounds like you are fearful that counseling will work, and things seem to be going along just fine... . until it all comes crashing down again. Rinse. Repeat.

I was recycled a few times when my decision was made to divorce. My ex tried for the third time, after our separation, by attempting to do things to improve her shortcomings, and had "big plans" for the future for herself. In the end, when it all failed, she said she was doing it all in an attempt to impress me. That she was getting her act together. I saw right through it and didn't let her reel me back in. I said my final "No". It wasn't until after the divorce was final, our grown son revealed to me that she already had somebody in the wings at that time. Her backup plan was already in place even before the final divorce decree was drawn up.

The point is that I sense that you have a gut feeling about how you want your situation to turn out, and I think you need to listen to it.

Seeking balance - I think she understands these cycles more than I do, it's my first encounter with mental illness. Not too mention I was all about leaving until recently, so she was helping me continue down that path.

Maybe you're about going to counselling and having a 3rd party assist in ending it once and for all, if that's where we end up.

WalrusGumboot -  When these "promises" or "big plans" were made in your r/s, were they all around BPD or career or both? I think it's healthy for them to try and break the cycle but until they prove they can then you have to assume it will continue. I wouldn't say it was mistake going back because we all know there can be success with BPD. That's my issue right now, I tell myself that maybe if she had the right support this time that the severity of these incidents will decrease with time and maybe the worst of it is behind us. I don't know, I'm just very confused right now.

Maybe I need to seek counselling and let it all out, then watch her blame me for a lot of the stuff that happened and it will be much more clear at that time. I will also be able to expose any lies going on in the meantime. She told me she has save up money and she hasn't talked to another guy about getting together if we break up. I don't believe either.

Thanks for all the help.

She never admitted she had BPD. There was *some* hope in that she picked up a book on PTSD and was convinced she had PTSD due to the abuse she had as a child at the hands of her mother. I encouraged her to seek help hoping that a good T for PTSD and then would point out BPD to her, but it never happened. She was truly afraid of being the one that was broken.

Most of the trying was her attempting to follow through with making something of herself. College and all that. I've been fooled way too many times with this before, and I didn't buy it this time either. And I was proven right.

Anyway, it sounds like you have some hope left, and there is nothing wrong with that. We all choose our own course, and have our own timing for everything.

I wish you the best.

WG