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So... shocking day at work, been a long week, all of that. For some reason, I thought, why not see if she feels like a drink. I think it was habit, we used to go out now and then during the week to a bar near home if it'd been a hard week etc... .

She says sure. We meet. She seems to have fun like we haven't in ages, she's all smiles and joking. I mean as happy as at our best times, it was really great.

As we are about to go, she says 'well I hope you got whatever it was you needed from tonight' in a cold way (and no I don't think it was like she magically thought we should have had sex), it was more like a pity style, I had a drink with you because I felt sorry for you... . I said, well I don't know, maybe it was stupid, but I wanted a drink and I suppose it would be nice to stay friends. Replied that it was a nice idea, but wouldn't always be possible... Said goodbye just after and that was it... .

Feel a bit like she's rationalized the night as being nice to a charity case... .

These people sure know how to hurt, don't they?

Yup in my experience, contact only sucks you back in so they can give you the iron fist in the velvet glove. Stay away from her jb101 and steer yourself towards these boards instead. This is where I come when I fel myself longing for the illusion I was married to. Being with others who've had the same experiences is such a great reality check. :)

Going try harder to do just that from now on. Funny how all my friends said don't let her back near you, she'll try and get her hooks into you and she's really unhealthy to be around. But I had to keep going, it's always been impossible to explain after I've told somebody the bad stuff... . why I'd want to go back. Worst part is no matter how much I rationalise, I still have this massive empty feeling. I got so run down the last few months, been constantly stressed, stopped going to the gym, gained weight, drank too much... . my self esteem is shot.

Today my friend told me I look haunted and unwell...

The only way is not engage them. Strict no contact.

JB, thanks for posting.  I have definitely been in the "haunted and unwell" category several times during and following my relationship.   I also had a meeting like yours several months ago that have me false hopes, that were quickly dashed.

After that, I stumbled into this community, and taped this message to my mirror, "The only way out is through."

I, for one, had become addicted to my ex.  Good times, which were rarer and rarer, served as "fixes." 

I see that now.  And I am choosing, like you, to do whatever it takes to put my mental health first.   

Be kind to yourself, please.  And keep posting.

 

I'm going to go a slightly different route for a second.

Yes, you may have wanted to get a drink - but if you take a step back... . I think she was right, in a way.  There was something you wanted to get out of the meeting.

Which leads me back to the most important part of your post... . what is it that you want?

I mean, this is all about you.  I'm not sure if you can see it clearly yet - but this is about you (not her).

There is something in your heart, mind, spirit (whatever it can be called) which is wanting something.  Once we are able to step back and look at ourself we realize that is what we have been acting on.  I know after I came to this board I found that that is what I had been doing for a long time.  And by looking at me, I found what I was looking for.

This isn't to say that there was anything wrong with the meet-up.  It's normal.  You are normal. 

It happens.

You will get to a point where your heart and mind get in synch if that is what you want.  And that is a good thing.

Just remember, your happiness starts and ends with you.   |iiii

I'm with woods; what did you really want?  Having a casual drink with someone is fine, but was it really casual with her?

I suppose it would be nice to stay friends.  Is that what you really want, to be friends?  What does that give you, and is it possible?

It's good that you did it and it went down the way it did, more info for you to dig deep.  Take care of you!