BPDFamily.com

Some of you have read my story with my ex who treated me pretty poorly, put me down, took me for granted, left multiple times then cut me out cold with no closure... .

Its been 3 months and he has ignored any attempt for me to draw a nice line ubder the whole thing and move on positively with at least some fond memories... .

he has also slandered me called me psycho etc. I havent behaved "psychotically" for the record.

One thing I have wondered recently is whether he for some reason WANTS to hurt me. Ive never considered this before but now I am thinking it. Not so long ago a friend of mibe sent him a very reasonable text saying that shes aware he wants no contact and that I also want to move on and want us both to be happy but that she is worried about me and that the lack of closure and the way it ended has left me struggling. She asked if he would please consider giving me the closure I need so that we both may move on and be happy. Now right there...   even if in his own head he has decided that I am "ill"... . it takes real lack of kindness to ignore a perfectly nice and humble text like that. Does he want to drag this out abd put me in paib? Is he withholding closure out of spite? I wanted things to end on good terms as my coysin is having a baby with his cousin and i wantef to be civil and retain positive memories ... its as i and this whole thing meant nothibg to him. Does he want me to be unhappy?

I'm sorry that you can't get closure, sillyhead, and are hurting from him.

Anger is an indication or a reaction born of pain. I'll share something my uBPDx told me once after one of her rages, "I just want everyone to feel my pain!"

Notice that is says nothing about "everyone", and all about her. It may not be that he consciously wants you to be unhappy, but to feel his pain. Alternatively, since we nons become triggers for their core pain, contact with us is a reminder of their own pain.

Hardly anyone here gets closure from their Exes. Somehow, someday, we need to give it to ourselves.

As for your mixed extended family, your relationships with them need not necessarily have anything to do with him. Maybe at some point, you can think of him as that "crazy guy" in the family that you just stay away from. I was at our daughter's birthday party this past weekend. I minimized contact with my uBPDx as much as possible other than a few words. It was all her family. I was pleasantly surprised when several cousins, whom I hadn't seen in months, engaged me in pleasant conversation apart from her. It felt good, and I realized that my r/s with her is or was separate from any r/s I had with them, the common bond being our children. Of course, it's taken me months to get to this point (she moved out finally in early Feb.), as I had been avoiding any family functions up until this point. We passed by now and then, exchanged words related to the kids as needed, and that was it. I get what you are saying "as if it meant nothing to him." After 6 years, two beautiful children and a pretty good life, she discarded me cruelly, as it if were just some game. The way I achieved something akin to closure is that I refused to give it to her as well by disengaging. I think she still wanted to punish me emotionally on some level, even though I was split black permanently. I refused to engage. I took control.

Game over.

I can deal with my emotions on my own, with my own support systems. She doesn't deserve to see how I feel. She doesn't deserve me. Does yours deserve you?

I can't tell you how long this might take. Each of us are different. Commonly wounded by our relationships with BPDs, but we are still individuals. Each morning you wake up is one more day past the pain, if even a little bit you might not notice. That's how I've been taking it. I look back after a week or weeks and think "wow, I made it. Still here!" Even if I backslide emotionally on occasion, that's ok, too.