BPDFamily.com

Well I am doing so much better. I´v been through a lot of difficulties in my life. But it´s been a year since our final breakup and 6 months of no contact.

She is now pregnant and moving in a new house with her boyfriend for 6 months. Saw their facebook profile photos, looking like the happiest couple in the world.

She owes me a lot of money, but the advice given to my by my T. and from people here is not to pursue it.

I am over her, but this still hurts me, haunts me and I´m finding it hard to get a day without thinking about our RS.

I´m still not ready for a relationship. This certainly sucks sometimes

You wrote that it "hurts and haunts" and I agree.   This, I think, is the place to start from.  I also "hurt and haunt" and I'm trying to ask myself, "ok, what do I do from here?"

I sometimes think of myself sitting in an unlocked jail cell, trying to figure out how to leave.  I'm still sitting here because I want to figure out how to make the jail cell unnecessary (meaning, I don't want to run away from it as if it never existed).    In other words, I am still in the "hurting and haunted" cell because I am not yet detached, and I'm trying to work with that, and to process what I've learned (and, truly, to see what family of origin issues might be involved).

I am grateful for this community, and what I'm learning.  It sucks to hurt, and I used to numb it, or ignore it, or run away from it.  I can't do that anymore.  The only way out is through it.

Where do you think you are in the five stages of detachment tomjon?

Regarding detachement I would see myself in stage 4. I have acknowledged and come to terms with what was going on in this relationship. I have have felt the horror and pain of the worst moments and they are gone, thank god.

I also look at myself from a new perspective. I know the bruises on my soul and mental health and I feel blessed, because I got out of this.

I have started focusing on myself and I guess I´m still building myself up again. I have not reached the stage 5 yet. I am dealing with the financial loss and that frustrates me. She will never pay me and now she has found a new guy who is "giving her the dream she alway wanted". She is moving in a big house with him and that hurts that I am financially and emotionally still recovering while she seems to be happy. Although I really don´t believe it this guy has seen her weaknesses yet after 6 months.

I don´t know if obsession is the right, but I am so tired of her popping in my head still.

Today one year ago I totally broke down. I remember that low point. But I am happy I am not there anymore. Just the thoughts, memories and frustration that gives me feelings of anger and hurt.

This is good.  Thank you for sharing.   Have you started any new creative endeavors or activities?   I ask because I'm still in stages 1-3 (I alternate).


This is hard stuff.  And you've done good work.  What I'm trying to remember is the day-to-day reality of my relationship.  When it was good, it was amazing.  But that was only 10-20% of the time.   

We will never know what our exes lives are really like now, big house or not -- I think I "project" what I imagined ours "could" be like on her.   But then I remember the insecurity, the gaslighting, the turmoil, the push/pull.

Like you, I'm rebuilding everything as well.  Thanks for posting this.  We're in it together.

Had some negative thoughts today and I was going to create a new thread regarding this and I found yours lol.

I am in SHOCK as to how this recent relationship has affected me.  I still don't understand why this is still affecting me this way.  I know 3-4 months of NC is not all that long but I know myself well and I generally get over relationships after 2-3 weeks.

I am fine some of the weeks, I just find myself in some spurts of emotions when I think back at some of the events that happened during our relationship.

It looks like you're ahead.  I suspect my ex might be staying with her recycle (who she pushed me away for), but if not, I know she's at least seeing him a lot.

She messaged me on Easter, which was a bit rough for me.  I just standard reply and let it go.  

It's amazing to me how I know this girl is not for me and how the rest of my life will be so miserable if she ended up being my life term partner.  And that I am soo lucky to escape from this chaos.  

I guess it just might be ego.  If I know I'm lucky, why is it I am still mad?

If this was the best route for me, why am I still going through some pain and depression?  

Your situation reminds me a lot of mine a year ago... . seems to be the typical recycle and emotions which are so diffferent when dealing with a person with BPD or a normal person. It certainly takes time I tell you. But my lucky break was when NC was final. It seemed to clear my mind.

Moments of depression and self doubt is normal. But admit to yourself the pain and work yourself out of the worst part.

Focus on sleeping, meeting positive and caring people, don´t talk about her too much to others than a therapist. Do a routine, workout or something you feel some release in. It will be hard for some time... . it will get better. But in my mind the way to work out of problem is an up and down graph not a straight upwards line.

I find myself in miserable moments. Acknowledge your feelings and work on them ! Stay strong :)

I am 13 months out of my BPD relationship.  I think what helped best for me was keeping in mind that my needs were not being met, and it is a deal breaker for them to be ignored.

I hurt while in this relationship because my needs and wants were not being met.  

I needed to be in a relationship where I could be intimately close with my partner.  

I needed a relationship where I was not pressured to solve his problems, while mine were seen as non nonsensical to him.

I wanted the dreams that we talked about to be true.  They were only my dreams.  

He needed "someone'... "anyone" to have his needs met and would say whatever he had to say to get that.  It is sad, but it is true.

I remember the heightened state so much... . always afraid I would miss a text and be accused and ignored, say the wrong thing and get accused and ignored.  

I remember feeling so bad about myself because there was always something that he didnt approve of... . my behavior, my kids, my dog.

Why did I allow that?  Did I love myself so little, or did I not understand that we are allowed to have limits? (boundaries)  

We do not and should not have to sacrifice ourselves to be in a relationship.  A relationship is give and take... . it complements us, not owns us.

A year later... I am free of all that.  If I dont check my phone for days, there is no drama.  My stomach doesnt turn and I dont live in fear of his next emotional breakdown. (daily at the end)

I am grateful for the experience tho... . It was a long ride back to normalville, but I find myself on a more stable plot of land than I was on before I met him.

Laelle

btw... . for me, I entered this relationship because of shame.  I have lived my life through shame colored glasses.  I was criticized and made fun of my entire life.  I have known no other way, and it gave me a sense of control.  It was expected and readily accepted... . Well, I dont play that game anymore... If you dont like me, my kids, or my dog, you can go F### yourself because I LOVE ME, and I deserve better.