BPDFamily.com

Hey guys,

Ok so I know the secret of happiness is being happy in yourself, not putting in the hands of another.  Having said that, I'm really struggling to be happy right now (as most of us probably are).  It's eating me alive to think the person I put so much trust and love into has just switched off.  I actually wouldn't have a clue about her life.  It's been 8 weeks. 

During our little catch up last week I could see she was visibly upset when she spoke about missing me, but felt best to go on our separate paths while we heal.  I don't understand what she is healing from.  If it's me and our relationship.  If it's the way she felt during our relationship and she's trying to sort things out in her own head.  Or if it was how we got to where we did and maybe she never actually loved me and just went with the flow.  I don't know. 

Anyway, since we're not talking, and she simple "doesn't want to talk about that stuff", I feel like a stranger.  Yes we're not together anymore but I still care for her. 

So my question is: would it be a bad thing to contact her parents?  I just wanna know if she's ok.  She appears to be from the outside from what I see, but her words and actions I'm seeing show something really bad is going on.  Like a big breakdown.

If I do contact them is a call better or a message?  Or is this just a bad idea?  We got along quite well, but I haven't spoken to them since the first few days after we broke up when her mum said to me "It's best just to let her go Spicelover, she doesn't know what she wants".

Any advice?

Hi spicelover,

I wouldn't do this. I would give her space. You have spoken to her or texted just days ago. This could really backfire on you if you do this. She might hold a grudge forever. Couldn't this action be perceived as you not respecting her boundaries?

AO

I know you're frustrated, don't have closure,.and still care about her. But her mum told you her position.

Most of us nons have an above average sense of empathy. Can you put yourself in her mum's place? What if you had a daughter who had a history of BPD traits? You raised her, you love her, but she has caused you frustration and sadness for years on end. Seperate the analytical and Caretaker part of your personality and empathize. What would you feel now that your daughter couldn't work out a r/s with probably the best guy she'd ever brought home? What I would feel is shame. And i'd want to protect my daughter and keep her close.

My uBPDx told me the other day that her mom loves me. This was in response to her making sure I brought the kids over on my weekend for a bd party they threw for our daughter. I had been not going to family functions (spent thanksgiving and christmas eve alone, just 3 miles away because I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her). Of course her mom does. I'm the best man she's ever brought home to mom, and the only one who became part of their family. I engage enough, however, that i feel that her whole family is devastated and even ashamed of what she did.

When she was still living with me, she told me he mom alternated from day to day between, "whatever you want is best for you" to almost yelling at her "work it out!" If she wouldn't listen to her mother, her therapist (who told her to not leave me), then what traction could I gain from interfering? I let her go as gracefully, and painfully, as I could. I fought it for a few weeks, but that w between her and me. Once I realized I became the trigger for her core pain and abandonment wound, I started detaching. There was nothing I could do. She even started throwing the psychology I had learned back into my face. She even admitted she was "sick" but I was the painful reminder, just my presence.

Did she ever love you? She probably did. pwBPD feel the same emotions we do, they just feel them more intensely. Likewise, her core shame, of which you may have been a trigger, but not the cause, is equally intense. The dysfunctional coping mechanism: flight.

Splice... .

I wouldn't contact her parents... . Their with her, it's their responsibility to give her the support she needs, no longer yours.  If get yourself back in that web, becareful because it can cause a storm.  She needs her time and space and maybe you do to... . there is a reason why things didn't work out in the first place.  If she has things that she needs to work on, thats on her... . she made it a long time in life without, sure enough, she will find ways to deal with her problems after you are gone too.

You guys are so right.  And as soon as I posted I knew it was wrong too.

Thank you.

Not quite the same... . but I told her mother about it and the abuse one day in a weak moment. Didn't believe me, and my ex never forgave me when she found out...

I contacted her sisters after we broke up, I spoke to one specifically and told her everything. She wasn't suprised and said they had tried to get her into therapy before, she then drove to see her to try and convince her again, unfortunately she received the same rage I had. She then told me unfortunately my ex has made up her mind and all we can do is leave her to make her own decisions. She really did want me to stay with my ex, I think they have given up trying to help her, but just be there for her when she is depressed or causes more destruction to her life.