BPDFamily.com

... . and I really need to admit that!

My fiancé is in denial and minimizes/rugsweeps her mother's terrible behavior, which includes the textbook rages, insults, screaming accusations and the ever-popular gaslighting and fact-twisting! MIL views me as a threat to her supremacy and makes no secret of her dislike for me. She is actively and openly trying to convince my fiancé to break the engagement. As we get closer and closer to the wedding date (mid-July) I am needing to repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over and over again! God only knows what MIL will try to pull in order to stop my wedding. She has little sway over my fiancé, but she is not above planting ideas in the heads of my fiancé's kids - she has already tried this! And of course when she gets the tiniest nugget of (normal) ambivalence from one of these young children, she runs it in for a screaming, maniacal touchdown!

I know I cannot control, change or cure either my fiancé's denial or MIL's mental illness. Some of the time I don't even want to have a damn wedding because of the stress of dealing with MIL. I would rather we just elope, but fiancé wanted a wedding, so that's what we are having. I tend to run from confrontation so that is part of why I feel this way. But I know that my fiancé really wants her mother's approval and her mother does not approve of this marriage, or the way we are going about the wedding. She likes to flash her rich husband's money and fiance' and I are paying for this ourselves and doing things very low budget - all of which is repulsive to her and beneath her standing as a wealthy woman... . she married for money BTW    

I would love to hear from people who have crazy BPD in laws, whether their in laws paint them black like mine does and how you cope! I am lucky in that I have already talked to my fiancé about much of this and she agrees that I should not be around MIL if I feel threatened or angry. She and her children are visiting MIL tomorrow and I already told her I am not going! I am too angry after MIL sent a bunch of nasty texts to fiancé last week. I know engaging with MIL is the worst thing I could do but I also can't pretend that everything is normal when I am this mad!

Hi there cult,

Weddings and BPD don't mix well. I really feel for you. I, too, have a MIL with uBPD who does not approve of me (or our marriage, her son is 'okay' but her daughter is the golden child). The last 6 years have been an unimaginable ride. I feel your pain, I so completely get you - and the anger sharks that are swimming - they are awful, justified, but awful to feel.

It took awhile for my DH to come around to understand exactly what was going on. He knew something was wrong with his mom, but it wasn't until I sought out a therapist for myself that we figured it all out. We had to completely dis-entagle our lives from hers - which was messy, chaotic, emotional, and left us feeling all sorts of mashed up and hurt. My DH decided to go NC in the fall of 2012 and we have had very little communication with them since - random cards, a few emails, and one really ugly blow-out fight with his deeply enmeshed, co-dependent sister who believes every single word my MIL says.

How do I cope? Oh lord. Therapy - if you haven't found a good therapist yet, do! My therapist has really helped me to clear the FOG, focus on how I respond, and enjoy my life again. She specializes in inter-family relationships and personality disorders. I would not be married today without her.

Looking at her like she's sick actually did help me. When I realized that my MIL was mentally ill, I found a little bit of empathy for her, you know? It must suck to feel the way she feels and take it out on her family and cause problems for everybody. Does it make the anger completely go away? No. But it helped.

When we do speak with them, I avoid any tough topics or personal information - basically anything that I would say to a stranger off the street is game for discussion. Past that, I'm on lock down and will change the subject if necessary (I always have back up topics in mind for those awkward moments). Since my MIL and FIL are so completely narcissistic, it's easy to just talk about them the whole time. I made a deal with my DH early on in our relationship that he was to keep any talk about me at a minimum so as not to give her anything she could brood on. If asked, he would say, "Oh she's fine." "We're doing good." And change the subject. Has your fiance tried this?

When it comes to disagreements, I keep to short sentences that leave them with very little to argue with. For example: "Cult, I don't want you to marry my daughter!" Response: "I'm sorry you feel that way." It tosses the ownership of their statement or accusation back in their lap and shows that you're not willing to be baited into a circular argument.

My DH decided recently that he wants to try to reconcile in some way. At first I was freaking out inside and then I realized that I just don't care anymore. She doesn't have to approve of me. I approve of me, my DH loves the heck out of me, that's enough. So my latest coping mechanism is to laugh. Not in their face (per say) but rather just laughing at the outrageous gas-lighting train wreck that it is (note: I don't really think BPD is funny, it's terrible for the person who has it and for the family members and really it devastates all. But in the middle of dealing with all the BS and trouble, if I didn't laugh, I'd just cry for days.).

If you've ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond, you'll know what I'm talking about. I was watching an episode recently where the Marie (Raymond's mother) is being super manipulative (she doesn't have BPD, but is so similar in some ways to my MIL) and every single character is losing it trying to deal with their feelings and please Marie and I just laughed so hard and thought, you know, forget being angry, MIL is going to do what she's going to do. Maybe I should just sit back and watch it happen just like a crazy little comedy, take a seat, pay no heed, and just relax. It doesn't add a moment to my life to let her steal my happiness or worry about whatever kind of junk she's telling other people about me.

As far as kids go, we don't have any but I imagine that will be interesting for us! I'm afraid I don't have any advice there for you. I think as long as you're loving your fiance's kids and keeping any negative talk about their grandma at bay, it'll really work in your favor.

Aside from chocolate and wine, that's all I got. Good luck to you and congrats!

Hi, cult,

I think Up In the Air is right... . people with BPD seem to have an exceptionally hard time when their children get married. It is usually felt as a kind of abandonment. It is really common for the fiance to be seen as someone who has "brainwashed" or "stolen" their child from them. You are not alone there.

It sounds like you are frustrated and angry, and those are pretty normal feelings for someone in your situation. It also sounds like you care a great deal about your fiancee and don't like to see her treated badly by her mother. It will be important for you to keep looking after your boundaries and to find ways to assert yourself in a healthy way (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0.htm). We have some other good tools here that can help with this, such as TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0) and Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0).


This sounds like a good state of mind to aim for. I think Up In the Air also makes a good suggestion about therapy. Have you ever considered talking with a counselor?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Hi Cult, I hear you loud and clear !  I have been with my husband for 20 years and his mother has made my life a living hell.  I found that once I educated myself on her disorder that I could cope with it a lot better.  Read as much as you can on the disorder and you will be fine.  Good luck.