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So today I was going to break NC. Against what I said I would not do which is look at my ex facebook page. I still did it and have been doing it for the past couple of days. What makes my situation worse or should I say even more lame on my part is that I do not even have facebook. I haven't had facebook for years. I hate facebook to be honest. I do however have a fake page I created in order to find out the truth aka stalk.

The other day I saw a selfie type pic go up of my BPD ex looking sickly and very sad. Not smiling in it and it was oddly not private. The emotion I felt from seeing this pic was sadness. I felt she was suffering and it almost made me want to reach out and even show up at her place aka rescue her. I forced that feeling away and said to myself she has someone else to rescue her and I'm barely hanging on myself so just stop this nonsense. Today I decided to go and look again to satisfy my new weird addiction thats seemingly hard to break and there was a new picture of her sitting in her car but in the passenger seat. This time she was smiling in it. I went to go look at those stupid facebook things she likes to put up with the pictures and quotes that seemingly one exists for every single emotion.

I saw one that said "Just because I cut people out of my life does not mean I hate them it means I respect myself". Another one said "Everyone deserves a person who can make them forget that they're heart is broken". Another said "Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with a lie". And last but not least my personal favorite "I don't trust easily so when I tell you I trust you please don't make me regret it". Oh wait and one more this one is even better then the last "You know it's love when you want the other person to be happy even if your not part of they're happiness".


So the combination of these quotes that she does not follow in real life, plus the pic, plus the fact that I am weakened caused me to try to break contact. I called and her number is changed. My number is changed as well prior to finding this out. So I was saved by her doing this in two ways. I would have had my new number exposed and I also would have broken NC. However now I feel like crap. Logically speaking knowing her she tried to contact me and saw my phone was disconnected and did the same however I have doubts of that. I still cannot believe all of this. I cannot believe people like this exist in the world. I cannot believe there are people who ask for help, exhaust you and then kick you when your down from the exhaustion. Then run to avoid seeing the damage they have caused. I still cannot believe I allowed this to happen to me. These are very dark times for me. I hope I make it through

AG-- I have, more times than I can count this year, been in the same dark space.  I felt like an addict shivering in a corner, desperately wanting another fix of my ex.   I wanted so badly to decipher what the h*ll happened.   I wanted her to come back.  I wanted another chance.

I was banging my head against a wall.   I was, fundamentally, expecting something outside to give me answers.  To make me feel better.

And I just felt worse and worse.

Then I stumbled here, into this community.   And, with help from people like you, I cut myself some slack.  Intellectually, I decided to "let go" -- even though my heart is still clinging.   

We are engaged in a process of detaching.  We are engaged in a process of self-discovery.   It's not a straight line.

If you can focus on the emotions now, what are you feeling?  And, what can you do -- for yourself -- to help process those emotions?   

I dont really know what to do to process the emotions to be honest. Im trying to figure that out right now. If you have any suggestions Im all ears or should I say eyes

A couple things that might be helpful:

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)

TOOLS: Radical Acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0)

AUDIO: Tara Brach -- Fires of Loss (http://www.media.dharmaseed.org/recordings/2013/02/20130227-Tara_Brach-IMCW-the_fires_of_loss.mp3)

AG it's so addictive to check them on FB isn't it? And then after we do we get kicked a little more in the gut and die a bit more inside. You are an extremely wise intelligent and articulate person. This I know from reading your posts. The pics of get are public for a reason, and the quotes. I've come to the conclusion I can't work out what my ex is thinking. I'm done with analysing him and his thoughts and moves. It's all irrelevant. He's shown he doesn't want me, why is not important. Nor can why be changed. Because why is the illness they don't want to acknowledge. It's so hard. This is just a bad day or two for you, and me, but tomorrow is a new day. When I feel tempted to look at FB I try to remember the pain it caused me last time. And I come on here instead. To me this is real. This is my lifeline some days. Stay strong xx

Thanks Narallen I appreciate you and your kind words :)

I hate facebook. Precisely why I deactivated it. He unblocked me from facebook, after we slept together,

and left ONE post public. About a girl he has a thing for at work. It becomes very addictive looking

and it's difficult to break the cycle, because we are constantly looking for covert attempts from them

to communicate to us. Our gut tells us to look because they are! That's part of the reason I broke

contact was because of his posts that were so obviously intended to pique my curiosity.

So I said enough is enough, and I let go of my real FB AND the fake one.

It's freedom! Stop checking... just makes you feel worse.

I'm with Nare... . I just focus on how awful I felt reading that...

and it keeps me going.

I'll activate again in a few months when I'm over him. If I'm even still

interested in FB by then.

I feel a bit ashamed to admit I caved last night after being off few weeks. I thought I can't really feel much worse ill sneak a peek. And I'm kinda glad I did. Since I got off the postings have slowed down, bit boring really. And I was pleased to see he is feeling down. I know that sounds terrible but after what he's put me through I was calmed to see no nudes, no excitement. His posts sound like he's a bit depressed and can't wait to come back home from interstate. And there's not much action between him and my former best friend, only a couple of likes. It was soothing really. But I'm staying off because I think that has calmed him down not having my audience. Also I learned he is still away a couple more weeks so I can rest easy for a bit longer. But really to be quite honest I've seen enough now. It really was boring. Ill stay off again now I've lost all interest. Well done to you HBR you're doing a great job 

Thanks woman! It just makes me feel like an addictive stalker! So no more!

If I get an urge... I'll come on here... the pain is so overwhelming...

I think it depends on your tolerance for pain.

I feel my emotional tolerance for pain is really low.

I'm too sensitive. I need to protect my heart.

Dont feel ashamed for looking ive realized its only natural to look. We are human and I can almost guarantee you that even people not dealing with a person with BPD have done it or do it. I do agree with trying to stop but if you do look dont feel ashamed you are human. Narellan youtube search" pain body" by eckart toll if thats how u even spell his name. Trust I highly recommend it. Your doing well if you ask me and Im sure youll do even better with time.

Thanks guys  |iiii AG ill look it up. That's the really great thing about this site, no one judges you, everyone realises the difficulties faced, and we can learn from each other what works and what doesn't. Last time I checked FB it left me devastated. This time all good. But I will stay deactivated. I don't need any extra drama. I feel like I'm doing ok most days. 

Cool make sure you do if you dont believe in it on a spiritual level after you watch it there is a psychological way of looking at it for controlling your pain and pushing it away. Let me know what you think of it and dont just watch it try the technique and see what happens. Have a good night be well