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Long, lonely weekend stretching ahead.  Have plenty to do around the house.  Can't seem to find the motivation.  I start ruminating and obsessing.  What's he doing?  Who is he with?  Ugh.

I agree

I know. uBPDx has the kids this weekend, so I don't even have that. I have cleaning, laundry, yardwork, dishes, and a tornado left by the kids to clean up. I know I need to do it, but just don't feel motivated. There is a lot of stuff she rudely left in my home that I need to start taking to Salvation Army.

But the house can wait. The temperature tomorrow will be 25 degrees F less than it was yesterday. Perfect weather for a long hike tomorrow morning, away from home (trigger), and away from people. I'm doing it for me. Responsibilities can wait. They aren't going anywhere, but I am.

I know how you feel. My uBPDx left me for another guy and now she is with her first ex-bf. It has haunted me if she is doing the things she did and said to me, but then again, i've learned it to pus away. You know how i console my self? it might be evil   to think like this, but i don't care. What i think is "I can get better, i can work on my self and find happiness. She on the other hand, will always be like this, looking for never ending love and accumulate her bad karma. I have an exit in my dark tunnel, but for her it's a never ending tunnel"

You take care and have a good weekend.

I'm right here with ya! Planted some stuff, watered, etc. trying but I don't want to.  I almost dread, no I DO dread the weekends.  Sigh... . trying hard to redirect the head,

CiF

Yeah,

I hate them too. I hate them because I know exactly what she is doing. S15 texted me. This is the S she dysregulated against on Sunday and dropped off at his father's. A brutal punishment she has threatened many times. They do not get along and it is her ultimate punishment. She followed trough this week. It was quite a turbulent time. He has been texting me all week.

He is home alone. S18 is off racing mountain bikes. He is so incredibly bored. No wonder he finds escape in pot.

What kind of replacement wouldn't try to incorporate him into their plans. What kind of mom wouldn't demand it. She is a good mom, when not in BPD mode. Then she is the victim of S15 and exh. So a nice restaurant, drinks afterword and finally sex back at his place is what she deserves.

And I stop focussing on me.

Connection to S15 keeps me hooked. Rather text about music than wash the pile of dishes in the sink.


You know what else I hate about weekends? CLOCKS!

Every I look at them they lie to me and tell me only a few minutes have passed and it is still too early to go to bed.

I just took the Depression test.  Yikes.  I need to get it together.

I know the ruminations are worst when we are alone and not distracted by other things.  It's hard.

What sort of things do you like to do?  What have you been wanting to do for ages but haven't gotten around to it?  What friend haven't you seen in a while?  Might be a good time to do something fun.  You deserve it!   :)

I honestly don't even know.  (How boring do I sound?)  I used to be a voracious reader.  One of my greatest pleasures in life.  Did not have much time for that when I was trying to juggle work and and my rs with him.  He demanded a lot of my time.   very much.  I picked up a few books last Would like nothing more than to crawl into bed with a cup of tea and read.  Escape.  Tried but I just can't seem to concentrate.  Maybe I'll curl up on the sofa with a movie tomorrow night.  Haven't done that in ages.  Well not without him anyway.

Sorry... . screwed that up.  Meant I picked up a few books last weekend. 

That sounds like a great day!  You should do that.  Maybe give it another shot tomorrow.  Take the whole day off and spend the day curled up with a book you're excited to read.   It's a lot of work being someone else's caretaker.  I know it, too.  The good news is, you don't have to do it anymore.  You only have to take care of YOU now! |iiii

For a while I thought about voodoo dolls, but that focuses on 'them' too much.

Maybe we should make some of ourselves. Poke the pins in, get more motivated.

It's letting ourselves stay stuck to let ourselves stay stuck. It's up to us to change!

Watch your favorite movie. Read something. Paint something. Go for the longest walk you've ever been on, breathing the freshest air you can find. Kick a hole in the dirt in the shape of a grave and throw in all the love letters, gifts, mementos, and tears you have. But: Focus on today. Living is better than reliving, isn't it?

These are our minutes. Our lives. Each one has how many choices?

I'll take long walks, have a haircut, read some philosophy stuff, laze around after the hard week... . My ex? She's going to spend the weekend on a dating site, looking for my replacement. And, yes, I know I shouldn't know this :). But, I am really at a point where I can know what she's doing and say "I don't care." I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but right now, seeing that she's online looking somehow feels good, I gotta tell you :). Yep, sounds odd - but phew it's liberating! Have some patience - you'll be there soon!

It must be so liberating to be able to say "I don't care."  I think I could live with it if I knew he wouldn't ever date anybody else :).  Or better yet date away but never fall in love with anyone else.  That's the hardest thing for me to deal with.  Of course I suppose it is for all of us.  It's hard that he's so angry with me.  That he ignored my request to not leave it "ugly"... . ignored me.  That he's "seeking another relationship".  Last break up we were in frequent communication.  A lot of it wasn't pretty but there was always communication.  He very much wanted to be "friends".  Now he clearly wants nothing to do with me.  Said it "hurts less" this way.  (Well in fairness I told him we couldn't be friends.)  It's so crazy.  He's the one that's hurt.  He's the one that's angry.  He hates me because I didn't make everything okay for him.  Not because we "broke up".  Not because I left him.  Because I didn't give him what he needed.  And I didn't leave him.  Yes... . when he was screaming and raging at me (because I didn't give him what he needed) he was super over the top abusive and I said I'm done with this.  But the next day I called and asked to talk about it.  He ignored my call.  Wouldn't talk to me.  Then again it's exactly how it happened last time.  He got so abusive I finally walked out.  So I "left him".  It took him a long time to admit he orchestrated the break up.  That he was heading there long before I realized it.  I hate this.  Sometimes I hate him.  Hate him for all the pain he caused me and making me all these promises and leaving me like this again.  Hate him for his inability to recognize that or take any responsibility for it.  I know this guy is seriously sick.  On the "spectrum" he's pretty bad.  So I really shouldn't be angry at him.  It's more sad than anything else.  But I am.  A big part of that is he knows he's BPD.  He knows it's caused him enormous grief and problems in relationships.  He has found resources to help him.  (Those that he promised me to participate in.)  And he does nothing to get better.  He just hurts people.  He just hurts me.

I know how much it hurts. We don't have the privilege to shut our feelings down like pwBPD admittedly can. Everything you said tells me that you are well aware why you cannot have a relationship with him. When you fall prey to solitude (those darn weekends... . ), the memories of good times inevitably creep in. But, you gotta think of both sides of the medal.

Let me tell you a funny story (and no I didn't drink tonight :)). The relationship with pwBPD is like buying a backlot Ferrari that someone returned under the "Lemon Law" protection. It'll give you a hell of a ride to the grocery store one day. The next day, it'll give you another hell of a ride to the woods, and leave you stranded. You got it half-price because no one else wants it - appealing but impractical... . But, that's your Ferrari! So you call and pay for towing and fixing and go talk to the mechanic (read: his psychiatrist) and they keep telling you that you got a lemon and that it "ain't worth fixing." But it's your Ferrari, what do they mean "it ain't worth fixing?" So you band-aid your Ferrari until the next gas station. And you just keep doing that. You run out of money, nerves, everything... . But, hey it's your Ferrari! So you buy books and get under your Ferrari, trying to fix stuff. It doesn't matter that you keep fixing and it breaks, and you do it again and again. It doesn't even drive anymore, you push it instead. After all, it's your Ferrari! The painful truth is that you gotta get rid of your Ferrari, just as the previous owner did... . Lemons are only good for lemonade - you gotta put a lot of sugar in to make them sweet. And sugar is a) bad for your health and b) you eventually run out of it. Someone steals your Ferrari one day... . And you are in so much pain. Who is driving it now? Who enjoys hours of your work under the chassis? And you miss your Ferrari. You gotta walk to the grocery store now instead of pushing your Ferrari. What a mess! As I said, I'm not drunk tonight  lol.

All that you are feeling is completely normal. The rehashing, the lonely weekends, the "what is he doing now?", the "who is he with now?" - it's all part of healing. The less you contact the better. No worries, the thieves are not having more fun than you did with your Ferrari lemon. As a matter of fact, thieves are smart and probably left it by the road and took a hike. Not every Ferrari owner is so conscientious as you :).

My ex was diagnosed but she didn't bother to tell me until she had her hooks well tightened to my heart. Then she thought I was all hers and she could do whatever she wanted with me. That same moment when she confessed her lies and manipulations and her diagnosis, she had this insatiable urge to hurt me, further and further. Figuratively speaking, she stabbed me in the heart and when I looked at her in horror in that demonic state, she twisted it to finish me (she said she's not sure if she even loves me.) That was the worst moment in my life. The whole world was crumbling around me as I was there - alone - with this poor excuse for a human being... . She was aware of everything... . All her manipulation, her lies, her hidden agenda - everything! And she kept hurting me in the worst way imaginable to me, because she knew exactly how to destroy me. But you know why she knew? Because I allowed her. I can't blame her. I allowed her to do it.

And then I left her. I left my Ferrari. Let the thieves have it. I started saving up for a Honda. Need I say more?

You WILL GET BETTER! Give yourself time. Understand that you are persistent in protecting yourself from further emotional harm and hurt. It hurts now, oh don't I know it. But, it would hurt much much more in the future had you given in again. Let that important realization sink in. And you are not alone in this. We're here for you!  

P.S. When I said "I don't care" as I am seeing her online on a dating site - I am not made of steel you know :). But there is some truth to "fake it 'til you make it" mantra . We are all in the same boat. But we plug the holes and row together towards that Honda dealership :).

Ahh, and if not apparent, by Ferrari I was referring to the relationship not the person. PwBPD are human beings just like us - fallible and vulnerable - it is truly something they cannot control.

 :) LOVE the Ferrari analogy!  I do understand to continue with him would only mean more pain and turmoil.  I know that for sure now.  If this was his best effort, when he was so committed and determined to make our relationship work... . Well I know it will never work.  Any lingering doubts I had on that score are over.  (Some progress?)  Just have to work on accepting that and detaching from him.  I know it will bet better Coolioqq.  I know it will just take some time.  Thank you for your words of encouragement!

The Ferrari example is great!

I'm the same this weekend. I've been dreading it. Friday night alone and then a weekend feeling more lonely. I'm miserable so people don't want to be around me. It's great.

Thought I'd improved a bit today, went to the gym this morning and blasted myself and walked out feeling much better. Few hours later and I'm back in my mental hell, lonely and trying not to think about her having fun with somebody else... .

Much as I miss the Ferrari, part of me wishes I'd never bought it. I worked so hard at it and tried to help her with so many problems she had at times, found her a new job (even wrote the application) counselled her through family problems, moved house, moved heaven and earth so we could buy a house together... . and now she's chucked me aside as if it meant nothing.

Tell me about it! Mind you, the fact I havent showered today and got up at 2pm probably was an indication.

  |iiii
|iiii

I   THIS!

I remember when weekends were hard too - here is what I did about it... .

I started training to do the 3 Day Walk - there were training schedules and walking gave me the structure and people to do things with, plus I was tired at night.

Pick something - anything - you always wanted to do or try and do it.  No, it won't be easy to make that first move, but once you do - the actual act of doing it will start to create a sense of worth that money cannot buy - honestly.

Weekends can be tough without plans or people around and when we are depressed it is super hard to plan - it takes "doing it anyways" attitude for this.

The funny thing is, this leads to #4 - creative action - the feeling of enthusiasm will follow, honestly, it will.

I took up hiking! I'm alone, challenged, and unsure of myself! And? I did not die, lol.

It felt very liberating and I'm plotting my next trip out, and shopped for a few cool things.

I didn't want to go, I forced myself to go, and it felt good afterward.

CiF

I used to love weekends so much... .  

I have so many things to do, but i can't find the motivation. One of my biggest passions before this relationship was making music, and i used to spend almost every free minute on it, sometimes until late into the night. I can't seem to find joy anymore in what previously could keep me busy and happy for hours. I didn't make music since january, used to do it every day.

I dread the weekends now. I spent them with her for the last year... . and now it feels so empty. It's not so much that i miss HER, since... . well, the weekends would never be just nice and loving. At some point you all know what happend... . the splitting, always something that killed the harmony... . but hey, sometimes we managed for a friday or saturday evening without it. It's really not so much her that i miss, it's the relationship, living together... . knowing somebody is there who shows you affection, who will laugh with you, aaaahhhrggg... .   :'(

Exactly how I feel too.  I have gradually made new routines and new friends over the past few months and weekends are getting better.  But I still miss, just having somebody around.  I really don't miss my exBPDh at all though.

it is saturday and i feel so lonely... . i could call friends, there are all great. But my heart is lonely.

Em, one hundred percent certainty he is not going to fall in love. 

Narellan - Of course he's going to fall in love.  Just as he did with me and the ones that came before me.  Hurts.   :'(  I'm a mess this morning.  Texted him to see how he's doing... . how he's recovering from surgery.  Stupid, stupid, stupid I know.  Because if he doesn't respond or doesn't respond "nicely" I'm going to be even more crushed.  God I hate this.

cancanpoint

My heart is lonely too. Sometimes i use this little tool when i feel it.  I tell myself that the love i felt for my ex is my love and it is not gone. It was my love and I own it.  I feel it because it was mine.  He can't take that away from me.

Emelie Emelie

You reached out because you care.  please don't punish yourself for this. take care of you now.

Oh Corraline - If only I knew how to do that.

I am paralyzed today.  I forced myself out, mingled amongst the market, couldn't wait to get home to literally fall apart.  I had a great day this week, felt super happy and was out on the water with new friends, thought of the X but just a few brief moments so I KNOW this can happen the happiness thing.  It's a beautiful and I feel guilty for wasting it but I can hardly put one foot in front of the other... . God this sucks.

CiF

CIF:  I know.  God I know.  And it does suck.  My daughter has her Senior Prom tonight.  She graduates in a couple of weeks.  All the "families" will be at the Grand March.  I feel so alone.  I'm afraid I'm going to start sobbing tonight.  This is her night.  I have to keep it together.  I am falling apart with you today.  Just overwhelmed with grief and betrayal and longing for all the good stuff.    to you.

Big hugs, most moms shed a few tears so you will be covered,

I keep having the same, "what if I'd kept my mouth shut and tried harder?" thoughts, things were ok if I didn't challenge or speak up.  I know it's wrong but still... .

Em and CIF  :'( I can really identify with you. Some days are so tough. On those days I spend lots more time on here, and lazing around the house watching a movie or just having a cry in bed. I don't think I've cried for 4 days now, but it's still on my mind the second before I wake up and yes the grief can be overwhelming.

Em, he won't " fall in love" he might attach to someone for a while but ultimately it will end. Try not to think it will work with anyone else. That helps me to realise my exBPD is just going through the motions to self soothe. It guts me to think of him being intimate with my former best friend. It really does, I can't even let my mind go there. It's devastating. But I know in time she will be where I am, kicked to the curb. It's all just time and patience. You will feel better. Contact really does make it all so raw again. And you feel like you're back at square one waiting for the text or call from him.

Take care Hun

. You deserve so much better.

I was a hermit this weekend. No kids, and living alone half time in the house I only bought for our family (because I was a rootless Nomad-Hermit for years)... Slept in until 9, something I hadn't done since D2 was born, maybe longer than that. The rising sun piercing the curtains demanded I get up (should have bought a house on the opposite side)...

Dropped of the kids' swim suits at her parents' house because she was taking them out of town to a water party. Got there early so I wouldn't have to see her. I survived spending yesterday morning with her going to check out schools for S4 (I insisted we bring the kids since I didn't want to be alone with her).

Went and saw Godzilla, which was surprisingly good, if a bit long. Got lunch at my favorite taqueria. Went to work, and locked myself in the lab for a few hours. Only saw two other souls... spent some time here and only got about an hour's work done. Lost interest. Stopped by same taqueria and got something to heat up later. Stopped by a shop to replace a custom knife taken in the november robbery. Don't need it. Shouldn't be wasting money on it, but I deserved something for myself.

Came home about 7. Finished some laundry. Cleaned a little and did dishes. Now I'm sitting in the backyard (which needs mowing), on my tablet, tossing back a few.

Tomorrow I'll stop by the motrcycle shop for some supplies, then drive 2 hours to my brother's house to get the bike running that's been languishing in his garage, abandoned, for the past 3 years, because I need to sell it for $, and I'm tired of paying insurance on it. Maybe 4 hours there, then drive back. Part of it is so i wont have to see her tomorrow twice in one week, though at some point I'll need to get over that to coparent.

Boring, eh?

As I was typing this, Peter Gabriel's Mercy Street came up on my ipod.



Let's be merciful our ourselves.

Take the time we need.

Its the one constant which we have.

This is so super awesome ... I'm so there too!


I would LOVE some wine but still don't trust myself yet...

My weekends are getting a little more tolerable.  I am getting used to being by myself and feeling a little more comfortable.  Not as anxious or longing for him any more.  I get the odd thing that comes to mind that we would have been doing and then I miss him.  Trying to keep busy but I am usually running around helping out my teenagers even tho they are supposed to be at their dads and in his care on the weekends.   Its ok, they need me, i have the time and Im trying to make up for what i lost being so messed up for the past three years. I did go out last night and had an evening with some women in my community.  It was nice to connect with them.  Working out tomorrow with my son . Being here, reading, chores.

Turkish, i think i win in the boring weekend department... . lol

Haha no I think I win. Sat in pjs yesterday til 2 pm, went into work stayed there overnight, left 930 this morn went and watched my son (14) play football Aussie rules. He got knocked out, big lump on head, concussion. Told his dad how to manage head injury. Drove home, mowed front lawn, weeded, got on here for half hr posted a few things, back into work 2:30 to sleep again. Finish work at 9 am tomorrow. Not much thinking time. Did have to drive past ex BPDs house twice on way to work. Breathing easier because his car and caravan still not there. I do check most days, as he lives on the main highway to my house. Dreading the day I see he's back in town. Next week it is... I think.

Fully armed and ready tho :)

And holiday weekends are the very worst.   :'(

I am in MORE pain, and feeling so uncomfortable and I do not know why.  Yeah it's a holiday, but it's not a major holiday.  I stayed busy today, I admit I can't get this out of my head right now, so much bubbling up.  I know I'd be further hurt reaching out, I don't want to really, I do but I don't, which makes no sense. There is zero logic here and that's driving me crazy.  I've had good days, felt good, light hearted even.  Am I so weak that I can't stand being rejected? Or not wanted?  Why is it bothering me so badly that someone so bad for me, AND to me, doesn't want anything to do with me? Why can't that be enough for me to say, "pffft! Good riddance" which is what I'd say if it were anyone else. 

I'm feeling it, not sure what "it" is, but I'm feeling somethin and it sucks big time!  

CiF

I feel that way too.  Sometimes it helps to read some of the posts in the personal inventory board.

I found a thread today that was really very powerful.If you haven't seen it yet, have a look. Hoping you might find something in it for you too

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225829.0

Thank you Corraline.  I did read the post.  Appreciate it.

I'm having a really tough weekend too.

I was going to do some exercise but I blew it off, my motivation has really hit an all time low.

I got a haircut, and got the brakes done on my car in the morning.

I spent most of the day driving, I drove to London and back, while drowning out my mind with the radio on loud.

I clocked 200 miles today.

I am terribly depressed.

I hear you Blueman.  I'm pretty depressed as well.  We're finally getting some nice weather here and it just makes me feel worse.  He's probably out enjoying it with someone else and I have no plans at all this weekend.  Trying to dig into some spring cleaning... . so at least I feel like I've accomplished something.

The suggested reading was really good corraline, thank you so much.

Blueman, I did that yesterday, clocked a lotta miles.

Today was a better day, although the evening is a little harder.  I spent the day on the water which is always good.


I do keep mulling a sentence from the suggested thread in personal inventory, "how long has it been since there was meaning interaction with the pwBPD?"... . the gist I got from this is that we, (ME) ruminate and have the internal conversations we WISH we could have or that perhaps we did indeed have during idealization, or honeymoon phase, and that it's a way to process.  God knows this is about as processed as anything can get!  But it did give pause, the statement did touch me in that I thought, "when WAS the last interaction that was truly INTERaction?". It's always, and I am not exaggerating, ALWAYS about the pwBPD!  I cannot recall a truly engaging conversation where both parties were interested in the other!  How sad is that?  During my last talk with my XpwBPD I told her my mother was sick (she's terminal, second cancer diagnosed), she said, and I quote, "she's a trooper! I've put in tons of hours of work this week, and it's really bad, I'm going to be putting in tons more to even get to... . blah blah blah". I was stunned, hurt and stunned.  We (I) really do project onto them the qualities we possess in hopes of setting an example or at least making a dent in order for them to give back a crumb of what we give... .

I'm done with that!  I have a hard time, jump outta my skin missing her like yesterday, and thenI read something that's like a splash of cold water!

We are all here to splash one another, :). And I have a great amount of respect and admiration for all of you!

CiF

Well, this is my splash for the day.

Woke up in a strange space. Ruminating and nerves all a whack. Got it in my crazy head that something was wrong. Sent her two emails 5 hours apart asking for a brief not to let me know if everything is ok. She knows I suffer from time to time from this nerve thing.

Not a word. I am projecting that she has even on once of human decency.

I'm sorry Percator, I know how that feels.  Way back before Christmas I sent an email in the middle of the night, "I miss you so much, it feels like I've lost a limb... . ". Who ignores that? A week or so later I got a reply telling me how horrible I was and this is my fault, same old same old.  As hard and gut wrenching NC is, it's really helped me to gather myself and see the reality.  I was very very anxious and emotional Friday night, I wanted to reach out, but I just clenched my jaw and let the feelings come and eventually they did pass, so we can break the cycle but it hurts like hell.  Hugs to you my friend.  Stay here with us to keep yourself in line :)

CiF

I am starting to question the meaning of life. Its a beautiful day outside and I cannot even be bothered to get up. Reading these posts gives me some comfort that I am not alone in feeling like this but it must stop soon it really must.

I get motivated and then sink back down hill especially at the weekends and bank holiday when I am sure she is having a lovely time with my replacement. Three wasted years and the realisation that it was all just a big fat illusion.

I was never happier and never sadder in my life. I hung on during the detachment and devaluation stage in denial instead of looking for her replacement. Now I just feel empty and am not sure who I am anymore. The confident outgoing responsible guy that she was attracted to has gone for now. I think she sucked it out of me and took it with her.

Last contact I texted her happy Birthday on the 21st May... . She replied a simple Thank U... . I will take that as the only evidence of closure I have

So sad today I realise that I really do need someone in my life to validate me and that I am co-dependent and maybe weaker than I thought

Goodman, just ride with that, those are the conclusions we must make and we must internalise and realise that we are.

They do take it out of us and take it with them, we build them up and give everything to them and neglect ourselves.

She may be having fun with someone else but remember that she is mirroring her way into another dysfunction. They are who they are and they cannot realise love when it smacks them in the face.

Self realisation is just another step to healing, becoming a better person, realising your shortfalls that make you vulnerable and improving. This is something they cannot do, since an early age they have not grown emotionally. They zap it out of you and move on, entrap someone else, feed off them, but it doesn't last.

Get up, and go do something, anything, go out of your comfort zone, realise that you will get depressed and you will feel demotivated because you know you have a road ahead of you before you can find yourself again, a better self and find your happiness. Then love will come to you.

We all face that road, and we all don't want to take it, but we must.

Think of your future, not hers.

Goodmann we all need someone in our lives to validate us.  That doesn't make us weak it makes us human.  What hurts is we want them to validate us.