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After 3 months of NC she reached out again... .

Got this tekst:

Hi... . , i didnt contacted you because i was right you didnt wanted me to, i miss you

guilt in my shoes

I saw her girlfriend was on a trip so out of reach and then i must have crossed her mind.

she needs something now so why not me

She turned silent 3 months ago because i asked her how the situation was with her gf? Never got an answer on that but fb was full of love between them.

she preffer to spread the world but keep me in uninformed

So after a few hours i choose to reply short and real: hey, you never answered my question, does it take 3 months?

Then it got out of hand... .

She is so difficult to live with, be glad we didnt end up together, they have so many fights, she doesnt know what she wants... . i replied: it takes two adults to take a jump and decide how the cake looks like.

She replied; our cake of passion and love wasnt really exciting.

I was like... . WTH... . how do you mean?

Oh we fell in love with an image, and that true love- cant be true! If you knew how complicated i really am you wouldnt... .

God, i was so furious. Yes, i've learned a lot, in the aftermath figured how she is possibly pwBPD and how all of this makes sense. But the time i felt for her was genuine in my heart, gave it my best, and would have continued working for it, maybe time would turned out heartbroken anyway but i've Always felt i didnt really got a chance because she kept push and pulling me. But she dumped me in a louzy way and immidiatly looked for replacement which she had several in 2 years since we parted.

And now she came to tell me i was fooling myself? Maybe she was fooling herself, but i certainly was aware of her good and bad sides from the start.

So yea, she got my confessing again, she got me defending myself again, she turned her words in my shoes... . and she turned silent when i told her once more she broke my heart... .

Its Obvious her mind set up a different story then mine about our past. I'm triggered now to tell her the truth once more. I figured out it would lead nowhere, and there is nothing i want of her. But this sudden reach out felt like a chance for closure once more, but it got my sleepless again... .

And suddenly i appeared to be the one who dumped her? Unbelievable... . !

icecream,

It really hurts to get an "I miss you" message that ends up invalidating your entire relationship, I'm sorry. 

You're right, she doesn't see the relationship, or the world, the way you do.  It's very hard to understand that because of the extremely close connection in the beginning of the relationship (idealization).

I know I'd feel very upset and angry, too. 

What is the next step for you, ice cream?  Do you think a break from communication would be helpful?

Thank you heartandwhole for your sweet support.

The break-up and her push and pulling eversince during a so called "friendship" always kept the boat of for closure and to end it. An adult conversation to face the truth, what i always try to achieve results in her running from it and keep me in silence until i cross her mind again... .

To find peace in myself, to be able to let her completly go i'm again at that point were i want to write her my truth and the reality which would give me peace with myself again. And perhaps put her at an ultimatum... . if she cant talk this through in all honesty then dont contact me ever again... .

This will most likely result in more drama... . I dont know... .

I feel anger, ashamed, being blamed, sad, and somehow she manages to move me again because i really wanted to make it work between us. But the dangled carrot is out of reach anyway so why does she even reach out... .

I did wrote that letter... . felt good when sending it.

I wrote something in the way of i cant be a normal friend if conversations are never completely spoken and if she keeps things from me.

She replied like she didnt wanted to hurt me when having a new gf and she doesnt want to be a pain in my life. So i asked her once again, what is friendship to you, what am i to you,... . silence is the answer for a half day... .

God, this is so difficult... . i wish i could turn the page easy... .