BPDFamily.com

Hi- I'm brand new to the forum, having recently realised. My Mum is BPD and older Brother is a Cover Narcissist. They are both pathological, and the abuse I suffered was quiet bad. I was the Scape Goat but very much a fighter. Not to the point of being in trouble with the law, but I knew they were being abusive and I fought it.

My father was never around until my sister was born 6 years younger than me. My sister is a wall flower who never had any friends. She expects too much from people and gives very little back. I have always been lucky with friends, they've saved me, they brought me up and taught me loyalty and love. I guess my sister has never had that. But this doesn't prevent me from being very disappointed that in my hour of need, my sister simply won't discuss our childhood. She finds it too difficult, despite the fact I desperately needed validation. This hurts, as my sister has said I was the only friend she had as a child, she even admitted to idolising me - fat lot of good that did me. She says I was the only one that validated her feelings - I was also the one that cooked her meals.

So forum - please tell me, is my sister a typical child of a BPD ? Or is she just a born dependent - only there if I help her, not the other way around? At time of writing, I think I'll take my wife’s advise and save my emotions for a reciprocal relationship rather than yet another one way one. But she is the last hope of a connection with my family of birth. Would value your opinions.

HappyChappy - first it's wonderful that you have taken the steps to start recovery from what was no doubt an upsetting childhood.

As far as your sister goes. I can understand your wanting to have a point of validation and a connection with your FOO. It is so helpful to healing to have someone who was there to confirm events and empathise with the effects, however she may simply be unable to do that.

Me I was aware that my uBPDm's behaviour was unstable at best but it never occurred to me that this was different from other families. My brother was aware from a very early age and left as early as he could. He tried to talk to me about it many times but for 20 years I disagreed with him. I was so caught up in  defending my mother and believing her representation of HIS bad behaviour that I simply didn't accept it.

What I am saying is that your sister may be finding it difficult to gain a perspective that agrees with yours. Or, and as you may already be understanding, undertaking a journey that reveals SO much about a parent - child r'ship gone wrong, she may simply not have the strength or desire to start down that road.

In any case, although it would be helpful to you to get her validation, it's her choice how she behaves. Even if she idolised you and you did things for her, it is still up to her what she does.

Your main focus may have to be on your own recovery.

Have you read through any of the material on the L5 board?

I found this link particularly helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0

I hope that posting here and exploring the resources can help you to get lasting benefits.

Ziggiddy - thanks. That was helpful.

Just a thought. Try asking just a few "easy" questions at a time. Maybe start with memories that might be pleasant and end the conversations on an upbeat note to encourage her to open up again in the future.

She sounds very timid and might be afraid that you will disapprove of her? If she compares herself to you (idolizes you) then she will see herself as a failure maybe.

Thanks breathdeap - appreaciated. I guess as my sis keeps it vauge and won't discolse her view, just a bit reminisent of what N's do. So I don't trust. Oddly, I always feel successful outside the family, but inside - I know they assume I'm a failure. So I assume sis is swept up with this. But she would probably say the same about herself.

Is there a spell checker on this forum ?