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Today was rough, and I find myself surprisingly saying it didn't feel rough.

Wait.  It did feel rough.  It wasn't overwhelming though.

I've long been working to become financially, emotionally, and spiritually interdependent with my parents.  

Today was a huge milestone for me.

A public validation of my talents.

I saw a poster that reminded me of Daisy in the hall.

It, and a friend's story triggered me.

I didn't fold.

I didn't run away.

I didn't crumple.

I breathed in and out, and I walked on.

I still love her just as much, if I am truly honest with myself.

The trauma is over.  I see her humanity. Now I'm just heartbroken.

And the heartbreak heals a little each day.

I am learning to acknowledge the good in myself.

When I find myself trying to blame Daisy or myself for our separation, I consciously remind myself that beyond my ideas of right and wrong, there lies a field of love. (Rumi)  

When I am in a state of panic, I find myself repeatedly saying, "Out beyond the ideas of right and wrong, there is a field.  I will meet you there." Over and over to myself.  

It helps to remind me that it wasn't her "fault" or my "fault" that we don't talk anymore.  We don't talk because it was too painful for either one of us to bear any more.

This is perhaps why I've struggled on this forum so often.

In the triggering conversation with my friend tonight, I had a realization.

I want someone in a relationship that I can feel equal to.

I know I struggle with low self esteem at my core, and I actively try to raise it in order to teach myself that I'm allowed to have higher self esteem.  So it's not like I'm looking down on people.

I have always been looking for someone with a core trauma like mine.  Someone who was seeking to better themself, and find the answers together that no one told you when you were five years old.  That the world is not a fair place.  That I am the only one who has me as their first responsibility.

I judged I was equal to Daisy.  That was my judgment.  I still feel that way.

She didn't feel that way usually.  She thought I treated her like a child. She told me so.  I tried everything I could to show her how much I valued her as an equal, a peer, not just the love of my life.  Someone I could not walk out on.  Even when they hurt me.

In the end, that's the role I was cast in.  The ass who left her.  That's who I feel like.  The ass who promised her I'd never leave, and then left.

I am angry at the actions Daisy chose to take in certain circumstances to cope with overwhelming situations.  ANGRY!  I judge that she made a number of increasingly stupid moves.  She would always come back and be so sorry, so innocently sorry, at times harming herself in small ways for making mistakes. pulling her hair or pinching herself.

Those moments were really sick looking back.  I can self righteously say I always made sure to stop her and tell her to love herself.

And at the same time, it's those moments that make me stop and realize how unhealthy we were together.  

How could I as a loving person honestly sit around and watch her do that?  

Should I honestly be surprised that when she did something that actually REALLY pissed me off, that she would go off and self harm (drugs sex et. al)?  

So shouldn't I really be angry at myself for not treating her with more love, and forcing myself out of a relationship that was so triggering to her, earlier?  Is that not the right thing to do?  If I really love her as much as I think I do?

Not according to her.  And I certainly didn't want to leave, because I actually DO love her.

And none of that matters.  NONE OF IT.  Because out beyond my ideas of right and wrong, there is a field of love.  I will meet her there.

I am trying to bless Daisy in my mind a little each day.

I can admit now she was a symptom of a much greater problem in my life.

I am consciously saying no to the voices of doubt in my head.  At least, the ones I know come from a deep dark sad place.

I do a very poor job of taking care of myself.

I truly always have done a very poor job of it, I just usually outran it.

The better I take care of myself, the more I can see how poorly I took care of myself before, and I am trying to avoid a shame spiral with that.

Today, right now, I am thankful for my family, all over the world, that has supported me in my times of need.

 Phoenix

 :'(