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It's been 3.5 months NC and 9 months since I broke up with my uBPDexbf. No contact meaning I have had no communication with him. Yet I compulsively check his FB, even though his privacy settings are strict and I can only see his profile and cover photos which aren't even of himself but are generic images he's pulled off the internet.

Yet in the past he's told me that those pics he posts were signs to me, so now I read into the pics and obsess over them. I literally click on his profile dozens of times a day to see if he's posted anything new (which he hasn't in a month).

He lives 1000 miles away, but last I heard from him, he was hoping to move to my state, and I guess I still keep hoping he'll move here and pursue me something will have changed for the better. He's respecting my request for NC finally, and yet I'm the one who can't stop checking his FB.

I block him, then I break down and unblock him. I've done this so many times. I know the underlying problem is that I'm still hoping one day we'll get back together. And I'm looking for a sign of whether or not he's thinking along those same lines or if he's moved on.

Any advice, trick, tips on how I can get a grip?

I'm sorry you are struggling tango.  I have been there as well, with a brain trying to figure things out, look for signs, and/or achieve acceptance.  Here are the things I've learned --

1. We have to start with kindness for ourselves.  We want to end this pain, yet we keep circling it, recycling stories, looking for clues.  If we can say "I consent" to the loss, and say it over & over, we start to turn our focus inward.

2. If I am triggered, and want to check social media, I try to pause and breathe.  I identify what I am feeling (e.g., fear, loneliness) and I tell myself I can manage it.   If I still "check" -- I try to forgive myself and let go.

We have to start where we are.  This is a process.  We take steps forward and back.  But we need to keep working with ourselves.   We have to figure out why we circle our sources of pain, and then learn techniques to self-soothe.   Here's a link I found helpful:

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)

Facebook is not your friend at times like this.  If blocking him doesn't dissuade you, how about deleting your entire account, and instead of going to Facebook, come to this sight instead.  It's about discipline; how far are you willing to go to be free?  How deep to you have to dig to find and create the strength to heal and detach?  How bad do you want it?

But beyond cyberstalking, what's really going on?  Speaking for myself, these relationships are exactly like an addiction, compulsively chasing something I could never have, because it was something she could never give, but chasing it nonetheless.  When I got honest with myself, it was the chasing that was the buzz, not the end result.  What part of me does that touch?  What hardwired cycle did I fall into, triggered by the whole dynamic of a relationship with a borderline?  Could it be that I grew up with emotionally unavailable people, and set about trying to figure out who to be or how to be to get the love I so desperately wanted, and never got, and that longing became the main event, with me hardwired to repeat it?  Yep.

And digging deep, looking for deep-seated psychological issues that require resolution, maybe deciding that I'm 'broken', only helps a little and is mostly disempowering.  The solution is simple: meet people and tell them what I just told you, notice what I'm getting, and keep the right people, the supportive people, in my life, and lose the rest.  Especially folks with personality disorders.

Sorry, got off on a tangent that is probably better suited for personal inventory.  But maybe some of it helped.  Lose Facebook, it is not doing you any favors.  Take care of you!

LettingGo gave you a good link to help with mindfulness.

I have simple questions:

1.  Does checking his FB help or hurt you emotionally?

2.  Why does it bother you that you are doing this?

3.  If he called today, would you go back to him (honestly)?

4.  Is it possible this checking FB has simply become a bad habit?

I stopped checking my exBPDfgf facebook after 1st week of split found the answers to my questions and never looked back, it wont help you to detach and heal yourself. Take care of yourself.

Seeking Balance,

Sometimes I feel it's helping me... . like it gives me hope if I can read into things in a way that makes me believe he still loves me. Other times, it makes me sad and anxious.

It bothers me because I can't control it... . or it feels like I can't. Not to mention that I figure it's not helping me move on and heal.

Would I go back? I'd consider it if things had changed. He'd have to be willing to go to counseling together, he'd have to have moved back to this state, etc. But I keep hoping those things actually will happen.

Sure checking his FB is now a habit. But it's one I'm basically addicted to.

Letting go, thank you for your response. It's helpful.

I really had a hard time with social media. I'm sorry tango. I removed myself entirely for a few months. I sent a message to family and friends and told them:

"Please email me or call if you need to get in touch with me, but I need to get off social media for reasons with divorce. Thanks for understanding."

I deactivated Facebook, deleted my Twitter profile. I left Google + open though, because ex and her friends were not on there. I came back to Facebook when I was further detached and felt stronger, I didn't want to tempt myself from looking at her and her new beau, plus I didn't want her family and friends to look at my profile and relay info to her, and also for litigation reasons.

The thing is - even if you don't check it, you are going to feel sad and anxious - these are necessary feelings to heal and let go

Hope - well, confusing love with a functional relationship is dangerous - I can hope to win the lottery... .


Be very clear - you have the power to control it - you are not a victim

I dunno, it is helping you move on - just slowly is all.  Eventually you will have more pain than hope and you will let go... . we all move on it just looks different.


That wasn't my question -you cannot think he is going to change for you... . either accept him as he is or let go - it was that reality that made me let go.  My ex did everything I said - we were in MC, T all of it - but if someone cannot or will not have the patience to learn new skills for themselves, they certainly are not going to be able to maintain it for someone else.

Reality is a hard pill to swallow for us - and sometimes we need to really look at things honestly so we can make a choice based in facts - not in emotion or hope.


Changing any habit means one day at a time and anxiety - you will have to be ok with feeling anxious as you change - have a plan to handle those emotions.

Tango - if there was an easy way, I would certainly tell you - no matter what you do, it is painful, but you will get better and you are certainly not alone.  I have been in your shoes - you have the power in this, you really do.

Peace,

SB

www.wellsphere.com/relationships-sex-article/searching-behavior/1289835

It's called searching/pining behavior and it's a biological function of many animals, including humans.  It happens b/c loss takes us back to age 2 or 3 when we would become anxious when our attachment figure would leave our sight.

I activated a twitter account a month ago even though I think all social media is dumb.  I deactivated it this weekend b/c he contacted me on it and checking it was becoming a compulsion.  I am grieving and it's a process.

Don't beat yourself up over it.