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Ok, so yesterday she just rocked up here again.  No notice, just to collect some more of her things (she still left some behind).  I asked for her key and she wouldn't give it to me.  We had a couple of nasty exchanges.  End up with me saying too hard let's just sell this house instead of my buying her out (she'll end up losing money and so will I but I just want to move on).

Today I decided best to sell the house.  Tried to put on the market instead of buying her out.  She didn't like this apparently - the real estate agent called her and she said no she just wanted me to buy her out.

Tonight, I get an email with some photos of us in it and a photo of a card she found in her belongings that I packed in that she'd given to me.  It was full of beautiful things she'd said to me.  Her email was entitled "look what I found :)"

I didn't reply, then she wrote another entitled "kintsugi" which was a reference to the email I'd sent her about kintsugi and what a beautiful way of looking at things (long story short is kintsugi is Japanese art where they break something and put it back together with gold to make it stronger and more beautiful than before).

So I replied ":)on't say that stuff unless you have gold", to which she replied "There's gold everywhere you just have to open your eyes :) Do you have time for a coffee this week? :)"

Either she's 100% the devil and pulling my heart strings trying to get me to renege on selling the house, or she's done a complete 180 in the past 24 hours.  I am so confused.  My mind tells me warning warning stay away, but my heart is curious.  And I was JUST starting to feel a little better.  The first day I hadn't shed a tear.

Any advice anyone?

Are you really confused, or is it you just don't want to see what you see?  You outline it all quite well and you even know what your wise mind is telling you... .

She wants you to buy her out and is using your heart against you... . it is not kind and it is not something that a person who said they love you should do, but people BPD or not,  do stuff like this all the time.

Focus on YOU - do you want the house or do you want out, honestly from your wise mind?

Meeting her, well, you already know the answer to that don't you?

I am sorry you have to go through this, it is not easy nor fair at times.   

Peace,

SB

Spicelover,

With your best interests at heart I say, you are making a mess of this... . over and over again.

You want to get back, it breaks your heart when she stops contacting you, but when she does contact you, you fight with her and try to manipulate the situations.

Giving her an ultimatum was a power play and it backfired. You see that.

So way do something like it again with the house.

Going NC hurt you as much as it hurt her.  You were willing to take that chance.

Selling the house will hurt you as much as it hurts her.  You were now willing to take that chance?

Why not learn some skills for communicating with her, take a step back and learn to listen (rather than manipulate) - let her tell you where her "head" is?  And them calmly take that information and reflect on what it means for you.

Thank you both for your wise words. 

As time goes by it's easier to step back and look in to see what's going on.

Skip I definitely am not selling the house to hurt her.  In all honesty I wanted to sell it anyway, but have been hesitant because I felt bad for her and if I simply paid her out she'd at least get back what she put into it and I could just stick it out here for a while and see how I felt down the track.  But as days go by I hate it here more and more.

NC was something I needed to do for myself in the end - especially after her last communication to me asking for time and space.  I didn't dare contact her.  When she turned up here unannounced she was nasty about it and wouldn't give me keys back etc etc... . I didn't want her back so I didn't care.

I just can't believe how transparent her actions are right now.  Is this normal behaviour?  Maybe I should decline seeing her to protect my own sanity.

Spice yeah,

Take the advice of SB and Skip.

Use your wise mind. Focus on YOU and SERIOUSLY learn how to communicate in this situation.

I am the least manipulative person you'll ever meet... . At least I thought so before I learned some of the skills here.

I remember my first email I wrote to my uDBDex after reading about the S.E.T. technique for communicating. It took me two hours to write a single paragraph. I had to rewrite every sentence, every word, hell, even every letter that contained some emotion, some agenda, some desire in it. pwBPD are very sensitive to these and can easily trigger them. Even if they do know what they want, pwBPD do not communicate well when triggered.

You will find this work hard, time consuming, and energy draining. You will probably find it to be not worth it. But, if it is those answers that you seek, this is your path.

It starts with focussing on you!

It has really helped me. I was the one who yearned and broke N/C. Now I am able to monitor L/C for purposes that are not hurtful to me. We mostly communicate well when we have to. The real limit comes from not wanting to waste my energy communicating with her and allowing my energy to be on me, and here!


I am with you my friend 

Keep posting

Hi Spice,

Would paying her off and then you could sell the house yourself solve the problem?

AO

Hmmm... . ok so we met.  I thought what the worst that could happen.  She cried a lot.  She told me she's in a really bad place still, and not a good person.  She admitted she thinks about me a lot, and misses me but her way of coping is to be cold and shut me off for now.  She apologised for how she's been towards me, but can't help herself.  She's seeking more counselling.

At the end she practically begged me to reconsider the house.  She has no money and really just wants her share so she can move forward with her life.  She's living at her sisters, and doesn't have a car etc... . and needs (at least half) the money to at least start things off.

I'm so torn.  She cried a lot which she's never done.  She apologised for things she's said which she's never done.  She even said everything reminds her of me which she's never said before.  Is it all an act?  Maybe.  It doesn't fit in with the way she's been behaving.  She just said that she is different to me in the way that I very much wear my heart on my sleeve, and she keeps hers in her pocket but she is feeling.

Sad, because it all sounds good except she knows this will all affect me financially and she'll end up without scars.  I think she worries about that because her job situation has been very up and down over the years so she's scared.

Maybe if I just pay her out then she can move on, and I can too.  I truly wished money didn't come into the conversation.

I also just want to say from the bottom of my heart thank you for taking the time to write guys.  Sometimes it's so easy to feel overwehlmed and lonely in the world, but you guys are always here and it's very comforting.  The funny thing is I've never felt this way before and never really understood it until now.

Thank you   

Ok, so a small update.  A few days ago I gave her some money as a down payment so she could get things started (able to move out of her sisters place, and get her own apartment etc), and that amount would come out of what's divided up when we finally sell the house. 

She was ecstatic.  Called me to say she was so happy I am actually a man of my word and felt she could trust me now, and that once the financial stuff is all over we can talk about us again.

I haven't heard from her since then.  Complete silence, which is what I expected.

Would it be possible she really is just simply that paranoid that I didn't love her and just wanted to use her?  That makes me so sad.

I'm keeping my distance still, but don't know if that's a good or bad thing.