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I was thinking this morning that in 20 days, I will have spent 20 years with my dBPDh. (12 of them married)

I love him like crazy, and know he does too. We are still together and have great times together. It was , however, a crazy roller coaster ride.

We went through hell and back, we almost didn't make it a few times but we kept holding on. Sometimes one was holding on for both of us, but we kept going.

In the last year, life has been different, the great days are more frequent than the bad, and the bad are less volatile than before.

We found a way to live life to the fullest when it's full of sunshine and when it's dark, we make sure that we don't rock the boat and cause it to tip over.

For the first time, he's talking about a vacation... . heck, he even planned our 20th anniversary date night this year. He's taking to a Monster Truck show (not my style but hey, it's a night out)

So for any of you going through the darkness thinking "will I ever see the light?", YES YOU WILL. It will require a crazy amount of work on both of your part and allot of compromises but it will come.

Keep faith, enjoy the good to it's fullest and remind yourself that the bad will pass. Remember the most important part, keep your identity and keep yourself safe.

Congratulations.

I'm hoping that you can shed some light on when your dBPDh started working on things... . or how you got him d. 

I'm hopefull... . but right now I'm the only one working on things... and... only one trying to be accountable for my actions.

This morning there was lots of  gymnastics involved with an explanation of how it was my fault that she used my work credit card to purchase something.  This will create an "audit finding" at work.

Since it was my fault that she used it... . according to her I should have forseen this coming and educated her better about it... . she also thinks that my "boundary" or limit of no passwords or no access to my work IT systems is unreasonable.  Clearly... I'm now carrying on illicit relationships that she can't see or can't monitor.

Sigh...

That sounds like a success story to me... .    :)

Congrats! And thanks for shining some light at the end of the tunnel!

As I said earlier, it was a struggle to get to where we are right now.

We got his diagnostic after 4 doctors (if anyone else is in Quebec, Canada, you know that having 4 different doctors is a feat in itself), 2 told him to stop smoking, 1 didn't care and just gave his bipolar drugs and the 4th one took the time to listen to him, gave him a chance to word things his way and then get herself into the do's and don't with BPD patients. That was a first victory.

The second victory still haunts him, he lost control one day and attacked me. That's the moment he saw that he needed help. He had the proof.

The third victory was he had met a therapist years before and really liked her, but had this notion he was "fixed", so he quit her. She had agreed to meet with him again. That was almost 3 years ago.

The forth victory, he was able to meet the same psychiatrist, so he didn't have to restart the discussion with him, they just kept going.


I know I will face more challenges, like right now I have the task of convincing him (while making him think he  thought of it) of seeing the replacement therapist while his therapist is on maternity leave.

I have to say that after the 2nd victory, I had to tell him he had to seek help and stick to it or I was gone... . with a draft of my request for divorce due to violence and fear for my life. All I had to do was sign it.


It's a roller coaster with way more scary turns and up/down movement than most marriages/ relationships, but it gets better.

This is great to read!  Feel like my dBPDh and I are turning a corner as a couple, I know we will have many ups and downs.  Right now just being able to calmly talk about our issues is a huge step.  Glad to read it can keep getting better.

It is quite interesting to see you focusing on the turning points that were important in that journey.

I've heard once that change can be seen in two stages

- shifts in perception

- changes in real life

the latter take time. The former happens suddenly and I guess are more memorable.

|iiii congratualtion for all the hard work and being clear about what you need and accept.

This is where I have to ask the men in here what do we do?  I have alot of things going against me.

- I live in California.  I have a relative(Female) that is going through a divorce with a severe pwBPD/BP. Mental breakdowns, Suicide attempts and heavy meds and they still let him have every other week(supervised though)

- My two youngest boys(7&6)are autistic.

- I'm a man

- My wife is a mild pwBPD as they say.

I have no leverage against her.  Curently we are seeing a new therapist, and I think he is on the right track.  At our last session(#3) she started to get all emotional about all of the "horrible things" I say to her and he flipped it right back on her(Which kind of surprised me) and I saw her get all "I know I know I'm just done with all this"  this is BPD speak for "you are right but I can't tell you that because you are a professional"  My fear is she will buck as soon as this guy turns up the heat which I believe he will.  Also she is requesting separate sessions.  I think it is because she wants to manipulate me with his words and tell her side of the story.  I think as soon as he makes her work on "HER FEELINGS" she is going to revolt. 

How do you set boundaries or get any leverage in this situation?  I won't divorce because that is what she wants me to do and believes I want to(If she was sane I would have left years ago).  I didn’t find out she was BPD until we were married 10 years and only 6 months after I found out she had an affair.  If it wasn't for the kids I would have left. 

   

 

Here is my take... for what it's worth.

If you don't want to divorce... . don't.  If she files... . she will file.  But she won't.  She is hoping for you to file so she can play the victim.

There a fine line between "persecuting" her and "making" her go to therapy and doing this to get better... . and allowing her to walk away from situations that coule help her get better.

I'm working through this as well... . and not sure I've figured it out... but working it.

Someone else talked about shifts in perception.

There is nothing to be gained by me be "nice" to her when she is having a fit... . or "forgiving" her so she gets off the hook.  I've made the decision now that there is no turning back.

I'm getting off the crazy train... . one way or another.

My preference is that she gets better and our relationship continues. 

If she decides to leave the relationship because she can't stand the heat of "getting better"... . that is her choice.

I will no longer make decisions because I "fear" she may leave or do something odd... .