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When I broke up with my ex BPD she insisted that she couldn't be friends with me. Now she wants to spend time  together and I just spent time with her and her boys(who love me dearly).  She is acting very strangely. She keeps talking about God and devoting herself fully to her boys/family... not looking for another relationship... embracing her lonely life as she sees it now.


Is this typical hermit BPD behavior? I am a little confused. Can someone help.

You can make yourself go crazy trying to analyze her thoughts and actions.  My ex was waif with hermit tendencies.  I can tell you that she was secretly trying to hook up with someone at the end of our relationship.  I never thought she would do the things she did to me at the end.  8 months later I still don't understand her or her actions the last few weeks we were together.  I am just thankful that I had the strength to get away from the chaos before it killed me.  BTW, my ex also wanted to be friends but I think she wanted to string me along more than anything.  I refused to play along.

Sounds like a hermit-waif.

BPD is an attachment disorder. They also objectify the non-partner. She may still be attached to you as a Father, whether to her, but more probably to her boys. Though she could paint you completely black as a romantic interest, in not seeing you as a whole person, but as a dis-integrated being (like herself), she can justify keeping you as an attachment. Your feelings to her are largely irrelevant. She will take as much as you are willing to give.

She may also be looking to you for validation that she is making the right choices now. Mine is doing something very similar right now, but I am trying to keep my distance as much as I can as a co-parent. When she told me something regarding doing something for the kids this weekend, she said, "I wasn't a bad mom for once." Very Waifish. I neither validated nor invalidated her explicitly by not replying. She will continue to try to bust that boundary, and I am the only person who is responsible for keeping it up.

I don't know if you've seen this before, but maybe you can glean some insight from this article:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982)

I have seen it... . the ex is making plans for the summer with me and her boys... . she is acting like she did when we last broke up... she feels broken and turns to her kids and family... .

So what is she to you now? A friend? Someone you still love and maybe wish to give it another try?

I still love her but I do know what she is... I am glad she has embraced religion(something I gave to her). BUt in the end, I realize she is sick... what else can I do?

So are you going to be part of the summer plans and remain a part of their lives?

I hope to. I do love her boys and they love me. I feel so sorry for the boys.

I admire your dedication, chron. Even if you are not in a romantic r/s, it's still a relationship. You know BPD affects all of their relationships (as evidenced by your concern for her sons). Maybe brushing up on the lessons at the top of the staying board might help you interact with her in a non triggering way?

OH, I know all about her triggers... believe me. As long as she has things... possessions... and her life is cushy... she is fine. When stress comes, she looses her mind... . if she hasn't already.