BPDFamily.com

Well, so much for 'I'm not going to bait you anymore'.

This morning, I get a text from the ex saying that he's taking some time out 'for himself' and won't be 'around' the last weekend of May.  Remember now, we're still married, but physically do not live together, and he says there is no one else.  

Soo... .  I have a bit of an issue with this, because I've been telling him for five months that I need him to look after our son and the animals on EXACTLY that weekend, because I'm staffing at a retreat.  So, I text back and say 'What?  Why?  Where are you going?'.  He reads my text and doesn't answer for an hour (this is typical).  So I ask again, and he answers 'why do you want to know?'

I realize he's baiting me, he won't tell me where or with whom he's going, just keeps saying 'why are you asking?'.  Predictably, I POP, tell him that this is my weekend to staff at a retreat and that he's known about it for five months - I even sent him a calendar invite, so he knows.  But he raises the subject again of not telling me who he's going with - just that he's going to his friend's cottage, so I text back and tell him that if he had any decency, he'd take our son with him because I have NO ONE to look after him.  He gets more arrogant, and then I really let him have it.  I call him every name in the book and remind him that this is baiting; I know that he wants me to ask who he's going with and where he's going, and that he's putting doubt in my mind again, and then when I pop, he tells my I'm being HYSTERICAL.

He was here all weekend doing things around the house (reno work that he needs to get done - no choice) and after his criticizing session with me on Saturday morning, I stayed away from him for the rest of the day and all day Sunday.  So, he needs a 'bait fix' today.  I jumped right in headfirst, I'm sad to say.

GAH!  I am so frustrated.  I called him lots of names, though, even used the F word more than once.  

Skip.  For me, it's not about co-parenting.  I'm not even there yet.  I'm just trying to keep my distance from the ex so I don't get sucked into the vortex.

I didn't move out.  He did, last June.  He's in therapy.  I only recently decided that I would not attend couple's therapy with him anymore.  There was nothing in it for me. 

Our son lives with me exclusively.  His father has been COUCH SURFING ALL OF THIS TIME.  There is no 'weekend with Dad' at all.  There is nowhere for him to go to spend time with his dad.  As for the lawyer talk, I own a company (controlling interest) with him, so whatever $$'s come out, come out of our common profit.  Yes, I've talked to a lawyer about it, there are just so many 'forever' links to this guy.  I am proceeding very cautiously, because the initial capital for the company came from me, the house is mine, I contributed to his retirement fund (he didn't have one) etc... .   the problem here is that, where I live, the patrimony law states that I have to give him half the house, he gets the retirement funds I contributed to his name, plus he could go after me for half of my personal pension and retirement fund.  I will say that he contributed to the mortgage and household expenses for 17 years, but all of the extras (horses for his daughter, etc... . hockey, household improvements) came from my funds.  I realize now how stupid I was.  But I wanted a proper house for all of us (his two kids lived exclusively with us for ten years as well - they're both adults now).

And finally, yes, we've been talking about this weekend for five months.  He agreed, and by then he will have a place to take our son for a dad's weekend.  Then he does this. 

I'm still pumping!  Thank you, Skip  :)

Sounds like this will happen again.  And again.  Clearly he is not very involved in parenting and no court will force him to parent or be a caregiver if he doesn't want to do it.  Can you seek out a nanny or child sitter for that weekend?  Then when he says he can't, you just reply, "Okay.  I will handle it."

And one less method that he has in his trigger/bug arsenal.

Unfortunately sometimes telling them you have plans just gives them a way to get back at you.  You may want to start looking into sitters and petsitters and know you can't count on him.  It sucks, I know.

That's what I did... .   I told him that I'd look after everything myself. 

I still can't figure out if he genuinely forgot (he frequently does, or at least says he does), or if it was just to make me mad.  The baiting, I feel, was the part where he told me he was going away but wouldn't say where or with whom. 

Not a good day today.  I'm a house painter and have neglected my own house for quite awhile... .   so I was painting the living/dining and kitchen today.  I dropped an entire litre of paint on my new floor... .   I'm so distracted. 

It's really stressful when you can't rely on the other parent. Your post made me realize how contingency oriented my thinking became, knowing that any given day was opposite day for N/BPDx.

Did you ex tell you he wasn't going to bait you anymore? Or is that you saying you're not going to let yourself be baited. Because one you have control over, and the other you don't.

He told me in front of the therapist that he wouldn't do it anymore.  Plus, I see the signs now and I tell him what he is doing.  But, that didn't stop me from getting MAD yesterday.  At least I see what he is doing now... .   before, I was just 'confused' and thought it was my imagination and that I was crazy. 

As one poster here put it, her statement when this kind of situation occurs is "I'm confused.  I need a nap."   Good advice.  :)