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He hasnt contacted or unblocked me since sex.

Still posting on fb about other women. Im so low right now

Its not even funny.

He took a nude of me and I asked him not to.

I want to end this and make it stop. I dont want to

Just ignore when he does contact bc he is very vengeful

And im worried about what he will do with it.

I dont get how he can be so loving then not.even a phone call

After we have sex.

Hi HBR,

Looks like this statement means you want to move on and detach from him right? Today is a new day and you have a new desire. Now have you thought about how to make it stop? Whats the next step toward your future? Being tied to him for life because he could revenge or blackmail you isn't really having a real life right? You are trying to figure out why he does things and doesn't care. He either has a mental disorder or he unfortunately doesn't care as much for you as you do him. My ex doesn't care if I even exist. So I can sure relate.



AO

I am extremely depressed today and feel totally used.

Hey HBR I hear you. Read through my prior posts they may help you. Short version tho is mine us a professional photographer and has hundreds of nudes of me. He has posted a few on FB, my family saw them and cut me off. I asked him to remove them, he did. our final split was (8 weeks ago). 3 weeks after split and NC he posted a couple of us together kissing ( not nudes), I ignored. A week later he posted a nude of me I hadn't even seen before so I had to break contact to tell him to remove it. Then 2 weeks after, he inboxed me on FB 2 more nudes of me. I just replied thanks. I felt overwhelmed and sick to the stomach now at what he could do with these photos. Someone mentioned on here if I didn't sign a model release form he cannot post them or use them publicly. I consulted a lawyer who said she is happy to draft a letter forbidding him to use these photos. I have that option up my sleeve, but as all has been quiet from him I don't want to flare things up again. I think I will draft the letter myself and just say I will seek legal advice if he posts anymore. But I'm still thinking through this. I think he just wanted me to contact him so he posted to get a reaction. Now I've deactivated FB he hasn't bothered to post anymore of me. And my friends will tell me if he does.

I've accepted the fact that I made a mistake giving him all this power over my photos and that I have no control over his actions. At times I've felt like he could destroy me with the photos. But I've gotten stronger, and realise it won't destroy me and I do have rights.

I really feel for you. My photos were done the first day I met him, before we got involved. If I'd known about his instability I never would have let him take them. Big lesson but not the end of the world. Big hugs 

I'm just curious why he took it, and I don't trust him.

I'm so devestated. It hurts so much because he was the only one I trusted

for a loong time! I'm just taken aback and having a difficult time facing reality.

Denial seeps in often. And I'm really struggling.

There's nothing you can do now about the photo. Wondering why he took it will only do your head in. Stop wondering. Could be a million reasons you'll never know why. What you do know is that you can't trust him, and he's not the person you believed him to be. That's a huge turning point for you. Tryst your gut feeling. Gather what you do know about him and make a decision whether you want to continue any sort of friendship with him. If not, put in place NC and makes plans for if he turns up at your door.

Grieve the loss of him, but try not to overblown the photo in your thinking. Maybe write a letter forbidding him to use it or you'll seek legal advice and post the letter. Save a copy. It's evidence then if u need it to proceed further. I wouldn't worry too much about one nude pic. He prob wants it to wank over.  :)

One can only hope... . I don't know if I have the willpower to cut the friendship completely.

He really has no one except for his fb friends (all out of state) the girl he is flirting with is

also on FB not living near us. I do love him... . when he is a friend to me I don't trigger him

and he treats me well.

Hard to completely demonize him.

Well it's not about him and whether he has nobody. This is why he has nobody. He doesn't know how to be a friend in the real world. Get off FB for a while if u can. This us about you now as a person, not about the two of you.

Last night I really had the urge to reactivated FB and sneak a peek, but I remembered last week when I did that and saw his flirting and happy posts it set me back and made me depressed again. So I was strong and didn't check. And today I'm so proud of myself. It's little steps constantly until we get to a place where we feel ourselves again.

You don't trust this man, and he hurts you. Why do u want to remain friends? My worst enemy ( if I had one) wouldn't have hurt and betrayed me as much as my "friend" exBpd. You have to start looking at who u need in your life. And what you're getting out of this friendship. Lots of grief from where I'm sitting. It helped me to do the detachment lessons on here.

You are not his saviour. The mere fact he has no one else but you tells me more about you than him. Dont you deserve better?

Thank you for talking me through this I feel so alone with it right now... thank you.

It's hard to talk to friends about it, because I just keep going back. I don't want to burden them,

only to fail again. Plus it is difficult for them to understand.


I guess, because, I know he is mentally ill... I empathize with that... . I know he loves me but has serious limitations because of his mental illness.  I also know that before it was romantic he was ALWAYS there for me... . but now I wonder if he was just infatuated and sexually attracted so... of course he was nice... it's hard to tell... . but for years? I don't know I want to believe the good in him will prevail. He doesn't have anyone because he is socially awkward. He was put through a lot of abuse... so I really empathize with that as well. I think he is a lot like my father... I think that is part of the attachment... I know a lot of it is unhealthy. He once told me he had a dream... that I walked away... and he couldn't get out of bed... that all he did was cry. I know he was being honest... .

Yet when I left him, he didn't even contact other than the obscure missed connection post.

It's baffling. He told me that when I am with him... I think I am talking to adult ex... but really I am talking to the child ex... . who has serious trust issues... and is scared to connect and become close to me... .

I know that if I walk away... . he will feel abandoned... he even told me I abandoned him... I don't want to put him through that... I think about his well being a lot. I also know that I don't want to leave him... guilt aside... when he is being good to me... he makes me feel really good. And we have good times... hard to let go of that. I just want to prove I can be that one person that loves him. I don't want to reinforce that he is a "lone wolf" as he calls himself... because I want to be in his life. I love him like family... (romantic stuff aside) so it is really hard. I have a few friends... . but he was the one I was closest too... so it's really hard to let that go.

It's hard to let go of the person he was with me... b/c I felt bonded to that image... I think that is a part of who he is but he splits... I think he has split me to the other side mostly to avoid closeness with me...

I know he wants to be close but can't... maybe I am giving him too much benefit of the doubt.

I don't know... I know I am giving too much and he doesn't deserve it/takes it for granted... but I don't do it to be recognized... I don't feel like I am trying to be his savior... I just feel like I am trying to be a person who cares and loves him... something he has never experienced...


He always just pushes me away anyhow thought... so it's really difficult...

This is very hard.

I know sweetie, we all do. It's why we're all on here, trying to work through our feelings. When I first came into this site I was saying word for word what you are. And someone said to me " it doesn't matter how good you are to them, they will still turn on you"

That has impacted me the most. And it's so true. In fact the kinder you are to them, the more they turn on you. It's part of the illness. What I've learned is that I can't help him. No matter what I did I was the bad guy and then he split me. I've never treated anyone with so much love and respect. He was my world and soul mate. But he was very familiar with his illness and knew exactly the right words to say to me to make me believe these things, which ultimately now u see we're lies. If he'd waited his whole life for me and I was " entwined forever in his soul" how could he pursue my best friend within 2 days of ditching me? He once said to me not to take notice of his words, he means them at the time. Which basically means he may not an hour later. It's difficult to let go of the words and the feelings they gave me. But even though he was sincere at the time, he can't follow through with them. I am not his soul mate. He isn't capable of having those feelings. And if he had true love for me, he wouldn't have made my best friend my replacement. Even if he was my friend he would not have done this. I've lost the two people I loved the most. They are no longer in my life. She was my friend for 20 years! She would not have done this to me if she truly loved me either. So I am better now for knowing thus and removing them. It initially made me feel suicidal. But here I still am! And happy sometimes . And more determined than ever to turn my life around. 

I've noticed that... the more I have grown to love him the more he pushes me away.

I don't understand how he can devote so much time to fb and people has never met

and give me scraps... doesn't he see what is about to be missing out on? It's not like I kiss

his ass... . but I care about him and it is clear that I do.

I want to let go... I tried nc i failed after 22 days. He won.

he has no respect for me... . obviously... or at least it feels that way.

What if he does call tomorrow or the next day? What do I do...

What should I do? NC is so hard... I literally had to FORCE myself not to contact.

It was horrible.

Mine was on FB all the time, still is. Projecting such a happy fulfilling life. Then in his private messages to women he was mr nice guy trying to set up contacts for where he's travelling to next. So he won't be alone. He didn't want to be in a relationship because someone else might come along. He actually told me that. But then proceeded to use words to hook me in until I believed we were so in love. He said things to contradict this statement re relationships. I think he meant the things he said but was just all over the place. Didn't know what he wanted. It drove me crazy. Almost literally. Because my feelings were so true. And I wanted to see the good in him.

Now I want to see the good in me. And good for me. And it doesn't include him. I no longer want him in my life, but it's easy ATM because he doesn't want me in his. He has my best friend( ex best friend, I'm NC with her now) where it will get difficult us when he comes back to me, which he will. So I've deactivated FB, changed his caller id on my mobile to " do not answer this prick", I don't answer my landline, and when he comes to my door ill shut it on him without a word. That's my plan to safeguard my heart from any more devastation.

What's your plan?

I don't know... avoid his calls... he won't come to my door... .

he gives up pretty easily. Plus he has a replacement...

so I'm sure he won't come by. I am not even sure if he will call at this point.

If he doesn't call it will be easy... just don't call him.

It will be harder if he calls me though.

Well there's some good news... . " he gives up pretty easy"

If he has BPD he won't. He will be back and you need to prepare as if its a tornado coming.

I think you might still be on the undecided board?

That's your first decision. Where are you? What do u want?

I want to let go... and before he realized his power over me

he did come back... now he knows I'll come back... and he waits

as long as it takes. one time 6 months!

I can feel the pain in your very writing, HBR.   :'(  I can tell that this is eating you up.  I'm truly sorry this is such an agonizing time.   Please have faith that it will get better.  Day by day the pain will lessen.

This may be the most difficult time of your time.  You are going through a truly traumatic experience.  I know, because I got obliterated too.  It is devastating.  These relationships can inflict some extremely deep core wounds, and for the vast majority of us rip they open old wounds from our past too.  That's a lot to deal with!  It is probably more than you have ever dealt with openly before.  I know for certain that's the case with me.  Our job now is to heal, and in order to heal we are going to have to address these deep and extremely painful wounds in our very inner most selves.  I think you have already started progress on that in this thread and you should be extremely proud of yourself for it.  It is a massive step.

You can not only recover from this experience, you can thrive.  This can be the chance to finally put to rest all of those old ghosts of the past.  To finally heal these profoundly deep wounds you have been carrying.  This is what some call "the gift of the borderline".  That a relationship with a pwBPD has a way of bringing all of this out into the open, and that is a golden opportunity.  As Split black recommended, spend some time reading through some of 2010's posts.  I have been doing so and there is some true wisdom to be found.  This person has obviously spent a very long time in wresting with these same issues we are facing, and I think has made some important realizations.

Keep going, HBR.  You are doing great - better than you think you are.  You are on the path.  Have faith that it will get better and you will emerge from this a better, stronger, wiser, and happier person.   

Thanks cosmo... it doesn't feel like I"m doing better...

since I went right back to him...

and here he is treating me exactly the same.


I failed... I surrendered... and now he has probably lost

even MORE respect for me.

I wish he could see even in the future the mistreatment.

It may feel like you have failed, but I think it may just be part of the process of letting go.  It isn't really possible for most of us to just drop someone we love in an instant and never look back.  I am confident almost every single person here has tried to reconnect with their ex at some point.  That's very normal.  We loved our pwBPD at one time, and maybe we still do.  We need to know if there is any way to make things work somehow.  I think you needed to see that, just like I did.  I know it's painful.  I got burned too.  My ex sent me the coldest reply I have ever received from anyone, and told me to never contact her again.  It hurts.  But it has also cemented in my mind that this relationship is over and has been over for a long, long time.  It was a relationship that was not founded on love, trust, and mutual admiration.  It was a relationship based on need and illness.  This is truly the absolute hardest part to accept: that our pwBPD never loved us in the way we thought they did.  WOW!  That is really, really painful!  I can't hardly think of anything more painful.  Of course we feel devastated, used, toyed with, manipulated.  I think what you are feeling is very normal and very healthy.  You need to get this out and you needed to see how shallow your ex's love really is.  He simply isn't capable of adult love.

Hang in there, HBR.  The fact that you are feeling all of this and talking about it is very, very good.  It means you are processing it.  You aren't denying it and you aren't repressing it.  You are doing great!  Give yourself a pat on the back.  This stuff is HARD!  |iiii  |iiii   

Thank you so much! This has really helped! Im done. Its hard but...

Im letting go. There is more pain staying than leaving.

I know he ll call... . Im gonna feel bad ignoring him.

I told him I wouldnt abandon him again.

If he doesnt call im gonna feel like crap regardless.

Thanks cosmonaut for your post. I can take a lot if info from that. I hadn't heard the expression " the gift of the borderline" but it rings do true with me now. He stripped me to my core. And the epiphany I had when I met him " I will learn so much from you" rings do loud and clear in my mind. Truly a life changing event meeting him. 

Sorry about the spelling errors, I'm on my iPhone and d is beside s  :)

How do I stop the obsessing?

Lots of vitamin b and keep busy. No alcohol and lots of talking. Here and your friends. Time will also stop the obsessing. Take care 

I feel like sometimes I obsess about him on here.

On here it's just working through your feelings and trying to make sense of it all. It's not obsessing. It's therapeutic. Already in your posts over the past few hours u can see progress. You are making some decisions now and things are becoming clearer. A few hours ago you seemed overwhelmed and in despair. Now you are looking at things rationally and I can see you're feeling better about things? I could be totally wrong, but your posts now are about you and how you can help yourself as opposed to him, what u can do for him, and what he's done to you. It's really great to see. Big hugs 

You need to talk and that's what this forum is for.  You keep right on posting about your ex.  I still have very frequent ruminations about my ex and I am over 3 months out from our break-up, and we have had zero contact since (her choice) other than for her to tell me to never contact her again.  It sucks, but it's part of detaching.  Some have likened it to drug withdrawal, and I can sort of see what they mean.  Apparently, the brain chemistry between the two is strikingly similar.  There is this long period of painful craving that you enter once the initial shock and awe of the acute withdrawal has passed.  It's very natural to have these constant ruminations for a while.  We have suffered a significant loss.

i wouldn't put energy into trying to stop. i'm not sure how much control i actually have to stop ruminating or obsessing. i think the first thing is to realize that it is a normal reaction, to understand that billions of people have gone through and understand exactly how you feel right now. and of these countless numbers a great many have become complete again and move on to have better lives--billions of people.

you can't stop the obsessing it will stop when it's ready. but you can make the grounds ready for it so then it will tend to leave you alone for longer and longer periods of time, over time  :)

some things to do to make a pretty bed for obsessing so it will go to sleep for a while -- something physically exhausting--working out, running, swimming (my favorite), any physical hobby you may have that brings your breathing up to the point where it's hard to talk while you catch your breath. eating as best as you can--this will set the platform to give the body what it needs to wade through everything you will have to experience while healing. you will also think clearer and feel better in general. now, i say this but it's not easy, i could barely eat at all during my first few months out. i lost a lot of weight and cycled through periods of eating pretty terribly. but, you know, that was the goal and when i did eat better i knew i was in a better space. third i would say take the time to build your awareness and understand your motives and how your past has affected them. it sounds like you're already doing much of this. fourth congratulate yourself on the work you've done so far, no matter how small. you mention that staying NC is tough for you--at the same time it sounds like you've burned yourself a few times by breaking it but that you're learning each time you do so this is strengthening your resolve. this is a minor victory here, even if you slip once in a while. it's important to look at healing time-wise as a minimum of months (like 6 months) or even better years out. there's many ups and downs and it's hard to feel like we are making progress if we are only aware of how we felt or may feel in a few weeks.


you are. and this is one of the best places for you to do it. remember--you're not going to stop the obsession, but you can satiate it in healthy ways. and after a while it will go to sleep... . then maybe even come back for a bit   but obsessing here is just the thing to do. it's expressing your obsession in a healthy way because you're learning from others and gaining awareness on yourself as you read and type out your feelings.

so, if you accept that your obsession is just a part of your life for a while then hopefully this will lesson the burden to feel like you have to 'stop'. and allow you to direct this energy in creative ways to figure out the best way to deal. it's not so much moving on as it is moving through

He unblocks me from fb... . Makes all his previous posts private.

But makes plublic a post about some girl at work. Why tf would

You want me to see that?

Needless to say I feel like utter ___.

Feel sick to my stomach im so hurt... .

Why sleep with me?

Why let me see that?

because he wants to punish you. and he wants to punish you because he has BPD and this is just how they roll.

Facebook Foolery should be added to the DSV list as a main trait for BPD.

it's a 'game' for him, in the sense that he's probably done it to plenty of women before and will continue to do it to plenty afterwards. if he's this good at pushing people's buttons using social media--imagine how much practice he's gotten with others in the past.

if you think about it you may be able to see ways that he was punishing other exes when he was in his idealization phase with you. it's devastating when it first happens. but when you can see how truly stupid this person is for doing it it helps to depersonalize it a bit--just give yourself time to get there.

Feel sick to my stomach im so hurt... .    

this is a terrible feeling to have. when our emotions are so painful that it affects us physically. i hope you feel better after a while. 

Why sleep with me?

because he wanted to. i really do think it's as simple as that.


Why let me see that?

again, because he wanted to, so that you would feel the pain he feels all the time. remember, he thinks he feels like crap because it's all your fault. it's projection and it's simply how their brains operate. yuck. i remember the slimy facebook posts. just make sure to never give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his stupid games affect you. we can't stop them from being ___h//// but we can at least mitigate how much pleasure they derive from it.

Sweetie mine plays FB games all the time. Blocked unblocked friend requests/ deleted 4 times in 4 months. He is messing with your head. Don't let him. He is sick. He's trying to get a reaction like mine did by posting nudes. I can only give you one piece if very good advice and that is deactivate FB for a while. I did. My theory was if I blocked him that's a reaction and hell enjoy that. So I got off for a while. And the posts now can't get to me, also he's stopped posting nudes of me my friends will tell me if he does again. Mines also targeted my ex best friend as replacement to get a reaction.

What did I do to deserve this? I loved him unconditionally. And that scares him. So he will punish me until he feels better and then tries to recycle me and see if I still am attached to him. Get off the merry go round. Take yourself out if the game and it will stop. Please read through my postings. I know how hard it is and what you're going through. Come on here instead of FB for a while and regain your sense of self again. Big hugs to you 

Thank you for responding I cant even sleep. Im his first so there

Are no other exes.

He has never talked to this girl its a silly crush. But yes... .

He is TOTALLY idolizing.

I dont get why being so sweet (the reason he unblocked me is to

Communicate he told me he was going to unblock me)

Or why he wants to punish... He admits the reason we cant be is

Bc of his bs disorder. So what the heck. I even mentioned over the weekend

How I would feel like s* if I heard about that stuff.

I jist dont get it. Male it private so as not to hurt me.

We have supposedly "made up" at least as friends... .

Why unblock me and let me see? We re not fighting.

Yes feel physically ill over it.

He even made it to where i cant see his previous posts! Imes where he mentions me or her... . But leaves this ome public for me to see?

We re not fighting so I jist domt get it.

And he is choosing not be w me.

Is it bc I walked away for 3 weeks?

He told me he felt abandoned when I did that

Hbr  no it's nothing that you did. He is distancing himself because he can't cope with his turmoil of emotions. He is sick. You aren't . You're trying to rationalise from a healthy mind. You can't rationalise his behaviour. It will make you sick if you try to. What you are feeling is pain and rejection. Mine too left it as just friends then continued to try to hurt me. You have to do something to protect yourself. Get off FB. That's a start. And feel your pain. I had sleepless nights for weeks and was vomiting and not eating. It's stress. Just get into bed and cry about how you feel. Try not to act while you're feeling this low. Trust me you will feel lower if you try to push him or contact him now. Xx

I want to strongly suggest that YOU take control of the situation and block HIM on FB so you can't see anything.  Why torture yourself? 

I blocked him when I went no contact 6 weeks ago.  I'm sure I would be set WAY back if I could stalk his page, but  choose to really move forward.

I know how you feel, I truly do but if you continue to have contact with him, this will not end well for you.  You see, you don't control the ending.  The play was written before he ever met you, and he knows how to set the stage, where you must stand to hit your lines, and where he exits.  HE wrote the play, he c hose you to be the leading lady at that time, but this was ever meant to be a "you and he riding off into the sunset" moment.

Let him go.

GREAT advice. The "friends" deal was only so my pwBPD could see if I was still hooked and to abuse me. She was off with her new hero and I was now the villian. I went thru the same things Narelian during initial NC.  I went 2 whole months without sleeping, vomiting, lost 30lbs.  I did absolutely no contact and gotinto therapy and a support group.  I could not have gotten thru it without guidance the support group. The pain is is real, but I had to face it and go thru it to survive and heal. I had to turn all my love toward me. The attachment is very powerful... . but we can get thru it and survive. Look at all the survivors here on the website.

www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399461105&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=emotiaonaly+abused+woman (http://www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399461105&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=emotiaonaly+abused+woman)

My heart breaks for you, and where you are right now.

I know your hurt, and sorrow, and I would wish that on no one.

This is an easy read, and an eye opener.

We had agreed to talk again je said he would unblock me... . I dont want to just abandon him... I dont want him feeling that way.

Iwhen I went nc I failed... Im thinking of doing limited contact and the fade out...

So as to avoid drama... And also not make him feel like im going to jist keep going nc then coming back again.

Hmmm... .   avoid drama... .   for you or for him?  I see it this way:  get some drama going, observe it, live it, breathe it (get MAD) and then it'll be done and over with.  This is not for the faint of heart, mind you, but it is a very productive way to get to the heart of the matter.  If you want to go NC, go totally NC without the 'fadeout' routine, because you will get reeled back in whenever you are the least strong.  This is JUST my opinion, HBR.  I don't mean to tell you what to do, but maybe, just maybe, it could work.

Hugz

Why in the f* would he want to reel me in

When he has obviously replaced me.

I feel so sick to my stomach.

What are the first steps to start nc again?

Maybe thats a dumb question but im so sick over it I cant think straight

1. Block ALL access to EVERY social media avenue (FB / Vine / Instagram, etc)

2. Block ALL access to email, websites, linked in, etc.

3. Block ALL access to cell phones, land lines, etc.

4. DO ALL OF THIS WITHOUT TELLING HIM. Just do it.

5. When breaking a bad habit, you remove the bad habit and replace it with something good. Like if you were a smoker, and smoked in the car, replace that cigarette with carrot sticks.

Bad for good.

Find something positive and productive to do with all the time you are spending now, ruminating and stressing over this dude.

6. Prayer. Lots of it.

going places has it all right, HBR.  When you cut, you cut.  You don't tell anyone, least of all him.  You just do it.  Perhaps you are not ready; this is the Journey of Life.  When you are ready, you will know.  If there is any remaining, niggling doubt that you should end the relationship once and for all, know that the clarity will come to you at some point.

When I talk about reeling you in and why he would want to do that, I don't have an answer as to 'why', but just know that he is doing it.  You still form a part of his current circle of 'friends', and you need to know that.  He has not yet let go of you.  He may not even be consciously aware that he is doing this.  It is up to you to go with your intuition each time, and if you sense that you are being called back, it is your decision as to whether or not you want to go there again.  If you keep going, there will be an 'again and again'.  You probably know this deep down.

Refer to the cigarette in the car scenario (again, going places) when you are not sure but have a funny feeling, and treat yourself as a recovering addict; by this I mean, treat each situation independently, move in the direction you feel you should go, put it to bed and move to the next one.  You are not right or wrong, there is nothing right or wrong in any of this.  When you are ready, you will go.  One minute at a time.  We are all here with you, whichever route you decide on any given day.  Keep posting, Sister.

My post was moved, and I have no clue where it went... which I am irritated about b/c I was getting support

leaving and establishing NC.

Thus far I have deactivated my FB accounts.

How do I block his number on phone?

This is really hard ya'll... .

How do I be gracious about it as well?

I need so much support made it 22 days...

slept with him... he sweet talked me...

then unblocked me from fb

left one post public: the one about another girl

he wants to date.

Devastated... . trying to start nc again.

You should redirect some of your energy to investige WHY he's doing things, identify the common patterns, how they function, what motivates them. There are great posts from the respectable members: 2010, BPDspell, LongGoneEX, goldylamont. Just to name few.

thanks guys... I deactivated fb... . Why would he still be holding on

If he doesnt even want me... ?

I just dont understand why he would put me through this.

HBR,

Honestly, I don't think you are going to get anywhere by wondering why he is doing all these things.  It could well be that he is still uncertain about how hooked his new pedestal girl is and is holding onto you as his backup.  Sad thing is that even if he does come back - and I think he will - he will sooner rather than later repeat the same pattern. 

What strikes me about your posts in this thread is that you keep worrying about him feeling bad, about him feeling abandoned, about him being alone.  What about YOU?  What about what his heartless actions are doing to you?  Do you think he is feeling bad about what he is putting you through?  What about worrying and caring about yourself for a change instead of him?

This whole fb thing ... . it is all very passive agressive behaviour from him.  As for the nude photo, Narellan gave some excellent advice about that.  I think both your experiences should be a lesson to all to never allow photos to be taken that might be used against you later.  There are many who have been hurt in this way and not only by BP people.

The fact that he told you he doesn't want a relationship, but still wants you for sex when it suits him, speaks volumes.  Unless you take drastic steps, you will end up back in bed with him and he almost certainly will then behave yet again in the same manner he is now.  Everytime he gets you back in bed you will suffer the consequences afterwards of knowing that you have again betrayed your values.  He will take a piece of your soul with him everytime.

HBR, another important thing for you to consider is your daughter.  Can you honestly say that you have been 100% present through all this?  She looks up to you.  Do you want her to see her mommy being used and hurt all the time?  Don't you think she deserves a happy mommy?

HBR -- I don't know if we ever get understanding as to why someone else acts in a certain way.  For me, I know I project my feelings/wants into situations with my ex.   It keeps us stuck trying to figure out another's actions.   

The starting place is our feelings and wants.  And learning that we have power to self-soothe and draw boundaries and take care of ourselves.

I don't know why I do this... I have done it with every single one of my exes.

I don't want to hurt them/be bad to them. I think it was because I was abused

so much as a child... it is really difficult for me to do something that could even remotely hurt someone.

I don't even feel resentful... I just put their needs ahead of my own completely. Someone mentioned a

savior complex... totally. And I hate it... because what happens is I keep trying to prove myself to people who don't

deserve it. The more I do for the them ... . the worst they treat me... the harder I try. It is an exhausting and vicious

cycle I just don't know how to get out of.


I'm very obsessive... that's why I just deactivated my fb account... I know I won't be able to resist

looking at his page... even if I block him... I'll just create another account. So screw it... I am going to let

it go for a few months until I am over him.

Last time I did this... there was less anxiety... I think b/c a part of me wanted to prove something...

and I wanted him to prove that he wanted me...

This time I am so scared and feeling so much anxiety b/c I know it HAS to be done.

It's very frightening for me.

HBR,

Many of us have told you to start focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself.  Have you done anything just for yourself this week?

Im so exhausted physically and mentally. I keep trying ti catch up on all the

Sleep iv lost but my mund wont let me. So frustrating.

Do something for yourself.  Take a luxuriously long bath with candles, soft music, the whole 9 yards.  Just please do something special for yourself.  Don't fall asleep in the bath though!

I'm so proud if you deactivating FB .   well done sweetie! Huge pat on the back. This is showing him you won't be playing his game. If you'd just blocked him, he would see that as a win for him... . That he's getting under your skin. Deactivating is something you're doing for you, and nothing directed at him. I truly feel better for doing this myself. When I get tempted to reactivate I remember the pain of the things I saw last time and this deters me.

I am similar to you with relationships. I give them my all to my own detriment. It's called co dependant, where you value the relationship more than yourself. Do some reading up on this.i learned lots about myself from this site. Lots of great lessons.

You already sound better today. Because you made a decision to get off the merry go round. The first step is the hardest.

I don't see you as having a " doormat personality" you seem like a pretty fiesty little thing that knows right from wrong. And you can see this is wrong. And you don't want to be treated like an object. If you did you wouldn't have come on here for support, you would still just be doing the thing. Being at his beck and call. Sometimes past experiences knock our confidence and self worth for a while, and impact new relationships. Can you think of a past relationship where you weren't a victim? If you can, think about why. Try and reconnect with yourself and what you want and need.

Your exBPD has set the scene for the 2 of you. But it's your choice whether to accept it or not. I think by your actions you have decided. Enough of this sh#t. Move on. Fairy steps. 

Im so scared about that nude right now... he told me he has wanted to put me on 4chan before to "show me off" ( if you havemt heard about it... Its a disgusting website check it out)

This last time we hung out he told me he was thinking of putting me on 4chan

Again this time out of revenge. Im so scared thats why he took that pic.

I am really missing him right now and hurt about the fb post...

Hurt he didnt ever call... . And going through withdrawls of checking his fb.

How do I get through this without failing again?

First step. Accept that it's over. You are deciding its over. Feel the sadness. Be string and value yourself not to check FB. Know that it will cause you pain. Don't think about the photo. Ignore it. He will do what he wants with it now. Nothing you can say/do/think will change that. In fact mentioning it to him or begging him may make him do something with it if he has narcissistic traits. Be boring. Disappear from his sight. Move on with your life. Do things you like. It's like withdrawing from a drug. You will feel awful but you will get through it. Don't try to rush the stages tho. You are grieving. So for now just be sad. And focus on your little girl. 

Yes he is highly narc in top of the borderline.  im teying to be present

But in my head I felt anger for the first time today but not at him

I pounded my pillow which i have never done before... .

Im angry that hes in my head so much and the pain associated with it.

I want him expunged.

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.

I am thinking of tattooing this on my body.

Yeah, we will stumble.

Yeah, we will fall flat on our face, straight in the mud.

But we MUST stand up.

Start memorizing something... .

Scripture.

The Declaration of Independence

ANYTHING.

And when you think about looking at FB or calling, or driving by, or just ruminating... .

Practice memorizing your choice of script.

Say it out loud if you must... . but fill your mind with something else, every time you start slipping into an old pattern.

Saying a prayer for you now.

Good. The anger is good. It means you're moving on. I rarely get angry and make too many excuses for people. But the last couple of weeks I've felt anger. And had fleeting thoughts of revenge. Which I wouldn't act on, but I'm recognising my emotions more now and that gives me a sense of peace and control. Keep up the good work. In a couple of months you will be astonished at how good you feel and wonder why on earth you allowed this treatment to go on for so long. Take care and keep posting. Ill be watching your progress x

Thank you guys.

This is brilliant.