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Have been feeling quite good the past few days, even this morning took myself for a river walk. Returning home I see my ex best friends ( my replacement) car a few houses down from mine where she cleans. So I feel in panic mode. Car in garage, checked doors are locked, close blinds, move to the back of my home to pretend I'm not here. She probably won't call in after our recent discussions, but I feel so sick at the thought of the sight of her. Just seeing her car gave me a physical revulsion. I guess I'm not feeling as strong as I thought.

I see this as proof your getting STRONGER... You're protecting yourself from further pain, embarrassment and the drama these 2 crap starters created.

I think your doing awesomely awesome |iiii 

Dear Narellan, be kind to yourself.

You are a strong and self aware person.

Feeling and acknowledging your anxiety is a good sign and it is essential as a first step in dealing with it.

I know exactly how this fear feels. After my uBPDx told me she's going to have sex with as many sexy men she can find I felt so sick and terrified I had to go home and throw up for 2-3 hours.

It is really important that you process these fears and face them.

Are you in therapy?

Besides therapy, what helps me significantly when I'm triggered and in panic is mindfulness.

I accept myself and my feelings as they are with no judgement.

I let myself feel the pain and the fear and observe my feelings. How my body reacts, my sensations, my emotions, my thoughts and whatever comes up.

This really helps detach from the source of pain and anxiety.

By itself, this gives me comfort as I feel so much more in control over my mind and then I can face the trigger when I'm calmer and rational and on top of that I can work on further layers of understanding and coping so mindfulness is really a sound basis for me.

TIL

I love you guys   I'm still slightly anxious, but at least I've eliminated the risk of any confrontation, which I know is pointless now. They are both out of my life. I'm just scared they'll both try to weasel their way back in. And I am fearful, panicked even to think of bumping into her, in case my anger erupts and I show my hand.

I'm not seeing a T but I  had a few visits with one a couple of years back when I separated from my husband, so I called her last week and gave am appointment in a weeks time.

Thank you both for your kind words. 

This is good stuff :)

Keep looking into yourself for answers and solutions.

She is not the problem, she is just a trigger... .

Good that you've set up an appointment with your therapist.

You can come out on the other so much stronger you might even thank those two clowns for showing you the way! :)

Narellan why can't you show you hand?  Why can't she know that you know? 

Em because I hacked his Facebook account and read their messages to each other. If he knows this I don't know what he'll do to me. I'd love to confront her, but in the end I just want them both out of my life. In the easiest calmest way possible. I've got that result, but I've also got to deal with my anger. And I'm angry not just for this betrayal but I've had to leave the social circle of friends we mutually share. And now they are starting to ask questions and text me why I haven't been coming. It's a mess I'm trying to work through.