BPDFamily.com

I give trust, commitment and forgiveness for horrible stuff.  She walks off into the arms of her liver and soon to be husband.  I am left shaking, broken, lost hopes of a family, depressed ( to the point of frequent suicidal thoughts).  So broken!

Really, I feel so sorry you are going through this. Have you got friends you can talk to? It's truly a devastating experience and we battle with it for a long time after they've moved on so easily. There are lots of people on here who feel your pain and are going through what you are. I found it so helpful to read through this site and keep posting and doing the lessons of detachment. We're you together a long time? And how long since your split? I'm glad you found this site. It has been my lifeline when I felt so overwhelmed I could only see one way out. But 3 weeks later, I sm starting to feel ok again.  Take care , we all understand here the pain you are suffering. Xx

Thanks.  I am more than two years out.  The nastiness and the lack of honesty has just crushed me.  I have tried everything.  Exercise, counselling, anti depressants and alternative therapy.   The constant lies and the complete lack of empathy for what she described months before the breakup to one of my friends as "the hell she put me through" (followed by the words - "which I will spend the rest of my life making up for" has just fundamentally changed me.  I was a successful professional.  I was interested in the world, had travelled all over the globe, written books, made partner at my firm at a fairly junior age through hard graft.   Now I am broken.   Utterly utterly broken and honestly can't see a way out.  I have a wonderfully supportive family, and good mates but ones who just don't get what it is like.   But am broken.   If I could go to sleep without hurting my family I would.    That is messed up.  But it is very real.   I read the stores of troops coming back fromAfghanistan and Iraq and how they suffer PTSD.   Do you what I get it.   I didn't see my mates blown up.  I didn't have someone shooting at me.   But the anxiety the loss of myself and the trauma are to me so very real.   Don't know the way out.  I really really don't

I felt that way a few weeks back and had really dark thoughts verging on suicidal. I spent days in bed crying which helped, just to grieve the loss. I lost my lover and my best friend if 20 years ( my replacement ) none if family were speaking to me due to his actions. I have never felt so rockbottom and alone. I couldn't stop vomiting and couldn't find a way out. I practically lived on here for those few days and talked to my new friends.

I have moments of happiness now that I've finally accepted its over. I feel like the fog has lifted a bit and I'm truly happy to have lived through it. I feel that that period of time was my turning point, and maybe this is yours? Feel the pain but try not to act on it. If you can take your mind off her a bit... I don't have any answers for you because I'm still struggling myself, but I just wanted you to know this feeling will pass. Just hang in there. I don't know where you live, but in Australia we have a phone connection called lifeline, it might help you to talk to someone ? Just know that my heart is breaking for you, I hate that such beautiful people have to suffer so much. Please be good to yourself xxx

Really, I can see why you say your losing your mind.

But you have a lot of things that show you are capable of moving forward, it might have even been worse if you had started a family with someone like this then watched all the disaster that takes place after. Going to the gym is good, it physically makes some difference.  Maybe you can now also write another book about your experience with what happened.  Maybe writing it out will help somehow? doesn't have to be something you publish, but maybe some memoirs or something for yourself.  Whatever it was you thought you found in this person, you can find in reality with someone else who can actually return it to you.  Things happen, regardless of what we "label" this person, sometimes realtionships do not work out, we have to accept that.  Can I just tell you, move on, no... . But giving in to this, is not the answer that will solve things for you.  I would think regardless of the pain we endure in these relationships, some of us are lucky in the sense that we or they walked out before things could have gotten much worse.  Ask yourself, what is my problem right at this very minute? can you actually think of something that is an issue at this minute? then move from there, stay in the moment, get of the renumerating, it's not healthy... .

Thank you both.  It's that god awful all consuming fog. The depression has really taken a grip.  I have a high demanding job where I need clarify of mind.  I don't have that at all and it is really showing.  I wanted to be a dad and I just don't see that ever happening.    5 mental health professionals have all told me what I went through was a relationship with someone with BPD.  Without any mention from me.   Just the facts.     Yet as much as I read as much as I can understand how and why it doesn't lessen the pain.   The pain is still so raw and I would cut off my arm to make it stop. 

I can really sympathise with this. I work in a high pressure corporate environment too, and for the last couple of weeks I was so bad I'd barely make it to lunch and then sometimes feel like having a panic attack, find excuses to be out of the office, not breaking down in front of everybody seemed so hard. We were about to buy a house, had named our children ahead of time, planned a wedding... . and it all got ripped away as if nothing happened and she didn't care at all. I've been a wreck, some nights I'd stupidly get home, grab a bottle of wine and try to knock myself out with alcohol, so I know what you're talking about with the work side.

I've just in the last few days forced myself to set boundaries with myself to protect my career. I do the exercise thing too, and it helps a little, but I've started doing epic workouts to distract myself, and I mean like running 15km+ a day at the gym in the evening and I'll literally be saying to myself you are not going home until you are too exhausted to think. It's about the only thing that helps me sleep halfway normally. Don't know if that's good advice, but it's the main thing helping me atm.

It's hard with friends, they sympathise, but they also look at me like a freak when I tell them what happened and can't believe I continued etc.

Just don't give up on yourself, it may take a lot, but eventually I trust time to heal.

Jb. Sorry to hear that. Had the whole naming kids in advance thing too which to me was precious.  To her was clearly meaningless.  I have been sick lately and run down.  I will up the ante of the exercise front.  Will try to exhaust myself that way too. It sucks doesn't it when you can't be human when it comes to work.  Having to put on a mask is tough.  Thanks

Yeah, I have no idea who somebody can have multiple serious conversations about this, including about trying to have a child soon... . and turn around and say they feel nothing and it was meaningless... .

Really... .

I am ten years out. Absolutely NC. I do still think of her every day... . but my life has gotten soo much better.  I have come to this site because my pwBPD tried to "interact" with me in a supermarket parking lot very recently, and it shook me up, (that is another story but, I maintained NC... . for my survival, and it was a triumph for my being).  At the time of her lying to me and running off with her new hero (after living with me for 5 years) I got into therapy, selfhelp group and a lot of reading and support at places like this site.  I have to know for me... . there is something in my make up that is part of this as well. I completely identify with your devastation.  Almost no one can understand what we experience.  I get it. I still believe that something was destroyed in me back then emotionally that I cannot get back. Kind of like a leg getting cut off ... . but emotionally. After a couple of years ... . I tried dating again... . but I picked bad people... . but one I am good friends with for years to this day... . it was not a BPD experience so that let me know that my pwBPD was real. Sometimes we think we are imagining it, RIGHT?  It has to be in my head... . this can't have actually happened.  Plus, my BPD was soo crafty... . lying to her family (who all loved me), lying to her new guy, me, her best friend and even her therapist.  I know what went down... she can fool people so easily with that cute face and innocent victim acting. I have to also TRY to remember she is ill... .   But I know the truth... ... . and once I embraced that truth and got honest about me, my part in it and faced the pain... I could start to get better... I got a lot of support and it started to get better.  I am almost 60yrs. old now... and I decided to just be on my own... . but I think that is the right choice for me. I am not advocating that for anyone else... .   Once I got comfortable in my own skin and started loving me and finding enjoyments in life I just did not want to go back to any kind of crazy roller coaster ride for any reason... . so I just stay out completely.  Maybe I have PTSD... . I don't know. I have a certain amount of sadness at having no relationship... . but I have SO MUCH peace in my life.  ... . but it was a long road.

I know how you feel.  I REALLY feel for you.  I used to say "I would not even wish this upon my worst enemy" it was such torture. Could not put it into words that would do it justice. I am so grateful that I lived thru it.   I had to start loving me, and treat the relationship like a death. I am not on facebook (ever) and I lived my life altered to totally avoid ANY contact.   I chose not to move away so I have to take responsibility for that... . this was like a small war for me... . but I did EVERYTHING I truly could to protect myself and move forward.  You can get to a better place and coming here is a step in the right direction. You can take the steps (little ones... . but keep walking) to love yourself and move forward. It does get better!... and I know you can dig deep and do the work...

I truly know how you feel right now... . and I will include you in my prayers.

Infared thank you for your post. It's very inspiring to hear success stories and I'm glad you have survived this utterly devastating situation. There are do many people here in pain. It's mind blowing, and new people every day.

I'm living on here ATM and finding so much support from beautiful like minded people.

Thanks again.  X

I am sorry the pain is excruciating, really.  Other than this community, the one thing that has helped me more than anything is mindfulness meditation, which I do with insight meditation groups.  I had read so much, especially psychology, and I somewhat understood things on an intellectual level, but meditation brought my heart into the picture.

I have three audiobooks/books that help tremendously:

1. "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron

2. "True Refuge" by Tara Brach

3. "The Trauma of Everyday Life" by Mark Epstein

I always assumed that nirvana was to be free of suffering.  What I'm learning is that suffering is inevitable and I that I can accept it, hold it, and work through it. 

We push ourselves so hard, and believe that happiness is only achieved when we are "free" --  oddly, this keeps us stuck.

Really

I feel your pain.  It is so difficult to make sense of a pwBPD and the things that they do.  I don't think our brains are built to understand all the craziness.  Try to keep in mind that the person she is now with is likely going through the same torture you endured.  The grass isn't greener.  People do not change unless they do work on themselves.  The dynamics of her current relationship might be different but it is almost assured that her behavior is very similar.  You don't need that in your life.  Keep working on yourself and the rest will take care of itself.

Nerellan... . Thanks... . I do not know if I am a success story, but I am soo much calmer than I used to be.  I never smoked in my life ... . and the anxiety with the depression was so bad back then (I had panic attacks), that I started smoking two packs of Marlboro Red a day! For four years... . then I had that to deal with that addictionl. LOL!... . I did stop years ago... . and have gradually gotten to a place of mostly calm, with work, a couple of good friends, a prolific hobby, regular exercise, etc... . and I continue to go to a self help group 2-3 times a week to give me the perspective that "I" need to keep the balance in my life.

I actually have something to offer people these days!   Good to have this contact!

Thank you for your responses

I was in a relationship for 7yrs with my exBPDgf, its been 3 months of NC and I honestly feel much better. She dumps me a few days before my birthday and on my bday she is parading the new guy everywhere and well talking lies about me. What has helped me enormously is positive thinking.

I had to learn to love MYSELF because no one else will! I started working out hardcore and focusing my energy, depression, negative thoughts into physical exertion. Although hard, I tried not spying on her FB and other things to see what she was up to. It finally dawned on me that she wasn't as pretty as I thought she was, she really wasn't a dream girl but a mere specter of what I wanted from her! I am still broken, I still think about her daily, but I know FOR SURE she will never EVER find someone as good as me! That's just my 2 cents.

Mar22 well said. I wish I could click like on this post. |iiii

Hmmmm... . mine dumped me a week before Xmas... (of course already was with someone long before that,but swore to me there was no one).  I guess that is a trait ... . maximum pain, and maximum drama... .

Mar22... . seems you have turned a corner and are on the right path... . keep up the NC and just focus on you... . it gets better!