BPDFamily.com

Hi all. I'm just back from a 3 week visit to see my uBPDw. We have been separated for 8 months, living in different countries. The purpose of my visit was two-fold: i) to help move stuff out of storage and ii) to see if anything had changed between us.

Unfortunately, as expected, very little has changed. She got dysregulated a number of times during the trip - mostly projecting and getting angry at me, often as a result of mistakes she made. e.g. blaming me for not paying attention to road signs while she was driving, or telling me to shut the f**k up when she got lost and I was trying to help.  On one occasion the handle of an old wooden tool-box I was carrying broke and it fell to the ground. Although it was clearly an accident, but she got irate, calling me incompetent, useless and generally getting emotionally abusive. In most cases, I found myself keeping my mouth shut to avoid things escalating. Trying to reason with her in these situations was pointless. I have since brought up these examples to her and she has apologized but as expected I have seen no self-reflection on her part or desire to change her behaviour.

I am now back home and reflecting on our short time together. It is clear that she needs to be in control in most situations - even a friend noticed the way we got on and commented that it was either "her way or the highway". I realize that nothing has changed and any future between us will involve me being submissive and keeping my mouth shut to avoid arguments.

Unfortunately with no apparent change on her part, I see no future in this marriage, especially since she wants children and I don't - I have made this clear to her. So what are we both hanging on to? For me, part of it is my reluctance to get a divorce, also the fact she represented a whole new life for me.  It is clear that we want different things - especially regarding children -  I have tried to explain this to her but she is unwilling to recognize that - I guess the reality is that I do not want children with her - but how could I tell her that?

She tells me that I am the one in control, after all that I am the one that left her. This is true,  but I had to for my own sanity.  I told her that she also has a choice. The two of us are refusing to make a decision to end the marriage - but I feel I will have to end it if I see no future - as she is obviously holding onto her idealized view of things without attaching logic or reflecting on her own behaviour. The trip has clarified a few things in my mind, but it also feels like I have taken a step back into the FOG.

Thanks for reading

S

Were you trying to change how you behaved with her on this visit?

Hi Grey Kitty, thanks for your post. I did change my behaviour in some ways -  I was generally more patient and willing to let some things go (e.g. her criticisms) and prevent things escalating because I knew I would only be there for three weeks.

I wasn't expecting any change on her part. For me this trip was primarily to figure out what I wanted from this relationship and to see what behaviours I am prepared/not prepared to put up with.  I know that a stable future between us will depend on me changing my behaviour. But I feel as if she needs to be in control of situations to feel safe and I am becoming less willing to be the silent partner or soother in this relationship.

That sounds good.

You sound pretty done with this r/s. Are you interested in working on improving it with her?

Not picking up the gauntlet/taking the bait and getting into a big fight is one step it takes to make things work. I'm glad to hear that you got results from that, at least.