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One of the things that made it tricky to accept what it was for a whole was my ex never ticked the self harm box, like cutting etc. She ticked basically very other one though, and would wipe herself out with alcohol regularly. She was high functioning though, very successful at work. Anybody have a similar experience? It was something that made me question it for quite a bit at first.

After spending hundreds of hours reading BPD related forums, I can only recollect one or maybe two cases where the SO was cutting herself. Self-harm could have many forms, mine was prone to substance abuse and had suicidal ideation.

Yeah, myuBPDex was very high functioning as well.

She had no signs of self-harm. Not even drinking. Although she is drinking now more than ever.

She even had a T for eight years. They never really pushed issues. She never mentioned that she was sexually abused at age 11, or any FOO issues like the fact that she was the product of her mother's affair. Everyone knew it, even her non-bio father, but no one ever dared speak of it.

My T even did several sessions with us. She picked up on it right away. She noticed how intelligent and well versed in the lingo she was. The T said it was, however, very superficial. She was able to apply it to me, but seemed incapable of looking at her self.

A subsequent Couple's T did poke at a few of her dark places. She totally disregulated in the session and a week later she recycled the guy she cheated on me before.

My ex never really raged except for a handful of times.

All this made me wonder even after I found this board, if with patience and work, we could still make it work. But it is the subtleties that drain me. It is the profound lack of empathy and the extreme self-centeredness.

Don't get me wrong, she could be caring and kind. But around big issues, she just couldn't deal. And she wasn't really selfish. But if something didn't fit into her worldview, she just couldn't deal.

I think high functioning pwBPD have built very big walls. It was true with my ex. It made if very hard to really feel like we were building a life together. It was more about my fitting within her walls.

Maddening as I think about it.

Here is a post I found from "2010" (the person not the year lol) He argues that there is no such thing as "High Functioning" and "Low Functioning." Although I disagree with him about the labels. I think we need to note there is a distinction between what we suffer and what others have to go through with ex's who can't function in many ways. But 2010 makes an excellent argument that it is still just one disorder.

Hope you find it helpful

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=129320.10;wap2

It is nice to speak with other's whose exes seem high functioning.

Hang in there  


Oh yeah, final thoughts. The gas lighting and her ability to revise history and facts and get me to agree is where I lost so much of myself

The self-harm was the only symptom that I did not see in my exBPDw of 23 years (not counting suicide talk). It was not until after our separation and waiting for the divorce to be final that our grown son saw scratch marks on the inside of her arm. When he questioned her about it, she said she did it after speaking with me one day on the phone. She then revealed to him that she used to scratch herself until she bled often when she was younger, along with pulling her hair out and banging her head against the wall. She said the pain helped mask the pain she had inside.

For all those years we were married, she meticulously crafted her mask to me and the outside world. You cannot hide self-harm for very long. It was too much of a risk that she would get unmasked.

The point being, just because you haven't seen her self-harm, it doesn't mean she never has.

This may be a selection issue, i.e. although there are many pwBPD who self-harm in traditional, obvious ways (cutting, burning, etc), those people are less likely to end up in the kind of long-term relationships that land their partners here, either because they are so severely ill or because even people who are somewhat blind to red flags will notice this one and distance themselves. 

I will say that my ex did not self-harm, and in fact said of some of the people she worked with (her job involves frequent interaction with diagnosed pwBPD): "They sound just like I was when I was younger... . except for the cutting."  She would from time to time talk about suicide, "images" she would get, etc.  At the time I viewed this as the type of confidence that was a sign of true intimacy, but of course now the manipulative component is much more evident.

Agree w/Boris.  Self-harm can take many forms in addition to cutting, which my xBPDw only did once as far as I know.  But my pwBPD would engage in all kinds of other self-destructive behaviors, such as punching a hole in the wall (injuring her hand), breaking down a door (injuring her shoulder), drinking and taking Rx drugs until she passed out, threatening suicide on a regular basis and smashing personal property.  Agree w/Walrus: I was probably unaware of many other instances of self-harm that transpired without my knowledge.  For example, she would frequently have bruises on her body for which she had no explanation.

LuckyJim

Mine constantly had bruises from BDSM style sex. She loved it at the beginning of our relationship, wanted me to be abusive and rough. It's interesting to note that after we split up, she said that didn't really liked that way. Fragmented self at work.

My ex didn't self harm either... and I really didn't catch him in any lies and he never broke up with me ... he would provoke fights and let me walk out so the break up would be on me.

It never failed I would almost convince myself he didn't have it because of those things... until something like walking across the street got me an hour long lecture ... I didn't know how to do this properly  bc I bumped into him so me and everyone else at Walmart had to hear the right way to cross the road... then I would say yup he's got it even though he doesn't have all the trailts

When I first found out that my ex was diagnosed with BPD I would have said that self-harm was one of the areas she didn't match up with.  Looking back now I would say she was just very subtle about it.  She often "accidentally" cut herself while cutting up food.  Never when I was around, but that was always the story.  Or, she accidentally cut herself shaving.  She drank(drinks?) excessively despite having kidney problems and refuses to drink water, despite a doctor telling her she needs to up her water intake.  She alternates between starving herself and gorging.  She was also very into BDSM and wanted to be treated roughly, both physically and verbally.  I have also learned since or break-up that she has engaged in quite a bit of unprotected sex with numerous partners.

Did she show the classic signs of self-harm?  No.  Does she inflict harm on herself? Very much yes.

Risky behaviors fall under the rubric of self-harm.

Mine didn't like "protected" sex. She was desperate to get pregnant by two boyfriends before me "The One". He cheated and left her, then came back to use her sexually. She contracted HPV from him and had to get her cervix scraped to get rid of pre-cancerous cells (I know... . I should never had touched her after she told me this, now I have to assume it lies dormant within me, though she was "clear" two years by the time she met me).

The next guy, a dude who literally cat-called her out on the street, she never had protected sex with.

Ditto for me. I had to take precautions, because only a week after we were first together, she was questioning me, "what would you do if I were pregnant?"

After our daughter was a few months old, she was admant about "fixed" rather than me doing it. Leaving aside that this was probably the first signal that she wanted to leave (and to make it harder for me to cheat), she wanted that permanent close emotional/physical connection without any barriers or implants.

So she chose the "guy on campus" as my replacement, a guy she told me had already been doing the FWB thing with a co-ed. I guarantee she isn't practicing safe sex, because she doesn't have to.

Risky behavior.