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Hey guys. I've gone NC for a few weeks now. It was hard at first. Then became easier. And now is hard again. I've been dating a few other girls. But the chemistry is lacking or I'm simply not interested.

I MISS HER!

and I feel it's just a matter of time before I reach out to her. So many good things have happened to me in the past month. And I feel like I want to share it with her. 

I have asked myself if I could still be in her life if she was with someone else. I think I could. I don't just miss her as my gf. We were once very good friends. I miss her. And I still love her as hard as that is for me to admit. She was the engine that drove my heart. I'm an artistic guy and I feel without her I have very little muse.

I've contemplated telling her simply that I miss talking to her and I hope she's doing well.  I believe it's possible that a rejection could set me back. And it's also possible that if she and I start talking again I will fall under her spell. I'm not sure what the right thing is to do. I know many of is have been here before. I hope I can come to some resolution.

My ex was a very hurtful person to me. Absolutely disgusting toward me in some ways. And yet, I saw that she wasn't a worthless person. I know she hoped I would see the good in her. I do.

Don't do it!

'And it's also possible that if she and I start talking again I will fall under her spell.'

Think about the hurtful things and if you really want to go back to going through all of that again? 

You said many good things have happened to you in the past month.  Don't you want those good things to stay?

It occurs to me that by using the phrase "it's possible," you make it seem as if all of these possibilities have an equal probability of occurring. Don't ask yourself what's possible (of course, given the unstable self-image and impulsivity of pwBPD, anything is possible), but rather ask what is most likely based on your experience.  Given what you've said here, it seems that you know that the most likely outcome is that you will be hurt again, regardless of whether that is through initial rejection or through "falling under her spell" and then ultimately being devalued and turned away.  


"Not worthless" is not exactly a ringing endorsement.  Certainly I think we all hope for more than "not worthless" in our friends and romantic partners.  You may have had good times with her (in fact, I'm sure you did), but if this is a person who has hurt you repeatedly, it is overwhelmingly likely that she will do so again.

I think we do ourselves a disservice when we label our relationships with these people "romantic" or "friendship" or what have you. Giving the relationship a new label makes it seem like it's an entirely new relationship, that we can redefine its terms.  But our relationships with these people are what they are, no matter what we call them.  If they have been characterized by push/pull dynamics, by idealization and devaluation, by periods of indifference and betrayal, etc. in the past, then they will almost certainly continue to be defined by those things, regardless of what we call them.  

Dear JohnThorn,

My advice, don't do it. I've gone 30++ days with my NC and i feel good about it, but at the same time i long for her touch, her laughter and her companion. But i do remember the pain she caused me. She is who she is, so she will hurt you sooner or later and what will happen to you then. You can justify now that you just want her as friend, but the heart will always wants what i can't have. I don't see a good end to this. I'm telling this to you cause this is the same reasoning i do with myself when i think of breaking my NC.

Stay strong!

Regards,

Tholian

Wow I can almost copy-paste your words and put them in my mouth... .   I find myself ruminating and fantasizing about reestablishing connection with her since I love and appreciate her so much. And yes, stay best friends even if she's with somebody else - that's the way we were in the last couple years. And it destroyed me. So toxic... .

I keep note to myself to be present. Here and now.

Put our past in perspective. Appreciate the great things we had together but accept it has gone.

Put the future in perspective. I have fantasies and wishful thinking and it may or may not materialize.

But it doesn't NOW.

The right thing to do now is to remain in NC and clean up.

Give ourselves space to breath and to process this turmoil r/s and regain control over our mind and destiny.

Nobody knows what may happen in the future.

There is a chance that your ex will start working on herself and get therapy and she might want to reconnect with.

Let her prove her seriousness and commitment and then you decide if you're up to it.

Remember this present moment and the serious toll this r/s had on you.

I'm right there with you, JohnThorn. I've been doing NC for a while and started to feel better after a few weeks. Then in the past week, I've started sliding back into the obsessive thoughts and ruminations. I took a few actions that triggered these thoughts, like going through old pictures and letters and checking on her FB, and that rekindled the longing for her. Reaching out to her has once again become an intrusive thought.

But, I have to keep reminding myself that she has shown me repeatedly in the past exactly who she is. She is a liar and a cheater. She is unable to see how her actions hurt me, even though I have spelled it out for her in the past. I don't want her, I want the person I wish she was.

I'm still in the process of grieving the loss of the r/s that I focused the majority of my adult life on. It's extremely painful dealing with this grief and it's bringing up a lot of unresolved issues from the past. My desire to contact her is an attempt to stop the pain. If I reconnect with her now, I won't resolve these issues and will only have to start over with the grieving process when we split again.

John:

Please don't do this and mess up the little bit of progress you have made by going NC.  I am in the same boat as you.  Missing the HIM I wish he c ould be, the guy I met and thought he was, the dream I perceived was real but turned out to be the role he plays to draw women in.  I'm lonely too.  I miss his touch, that comfort I found in "us".  But I also know he is busy recreating that with someone else and she will receive the same fate I did.

I am counting on things getting better as I further distance myself from this relationship.  I too, have had a lot of great things happen to me since we split.  And I think it is BECAUSE I let go of something not meant for me that God let me receive better things meant for me.  Though that didn't include romantic partnership, maybe I am being shown the focus should be on ME and not WE right now.

Stay strong... .

John,

As time passed after the end of the RS, I felt each new stage of detachment pain. But less so each time.

e.g. where I felt what I was doing/improving wasn't going to 'show her'. As hate and anger left me i realised it was a form of connection. Hang in there.


You want to stare into the abyss of BPD darkness again! you think she feels like you? Why hasn't she proved who she is yet. She wants to hear how you have grown? Picture her face as she realises she still has that Nacissistic Supply available from you, picture it... .

Sadistic smile?

rage?

pity?

hate?

Drama?

Blank?

"I know she hoped I would see the good in her. I do."

How is this about anything other than her? My Ex had zero ability for love/intimacy, not our dogs, her 'friends', her family.

I have become so creative again I'm shocked, revealing true growth and honesty to the work. I don't have that old feeling like I was a 'fake' or the work too 'self aware' anymore. Fantasy can be fun but the depth to the work is of a different order, I don't even care about the words good or bad. the work is itself and that, I have realised is not narcissism. I've seen that and know how that feels and looks.

This fake muse demands more than anything... . your time. I've let this experience open me up, it is painfull and liberating.

I have no doubt that I was abused. I believe personality disordered people are abusers, it is one of the defining characters of them. People on this board were/are hurt terribly, some have PTSD from the abuse some are just questioning what happened in a daze. The statistics for BPD is 1 in 10 end their own lives.

I wonder how many other lives have ended because of them, how many in therapy, how many broken, how many families and their children hurt.

But hey! if you want to satellite around the gloomy role she has for you, good luck, get in line and be one of those odd relationships she has with her EX boyfriends. Maybe she'll throw you a bone now and again. Maybe she'll see it as confirmation she can do ANY hurtful thing to you. She is not your heart, you are your heart. She hoped you could see the good in her so she could hurt/abuse you, even unconciously... . maybe.

John it gets better.

Good Luck

Hi John,

Read about 'trauma bonding' as well, to be technical.

Sorry I can't be more sympathetic, 4 years of a Someone draining you of money, love, time, health both physical and mental makes the tough place you are in very real to me.

It is hard, nothing but looking after yourself like a good father will do, be patient, sit with yourself. Be strong, cry, sweat it out. This is no time for softness and fantasy... . show yourself so love. The real stuff, hard I know you are not used to it.

Strength to you

Changingman

I kept  breaking No contact ... not once did it turn out the way I expected. I was ready to talk ... I was ready to catch up I was ready for just a simple friendly chat, it never happened .I ended up being embarrassed, hurt ,humiliated and back to square one.

Give yourself a day or some sorta  timeline, if you still feel like contacting after that,go ahead and do what you feel you need to do.

We are here if you need us no matter what choice you make

red-flag

Guys,

I wish I had time this morning to comment on everything that's been said.  What I do want to say is that I appreciate all your comments SOO much.  I read it throughout the day as they came in.  I DID NOT contact her.  And I woke up this morning with much less desire to contact her.  I am so glad this site exists.  It helps so much to talk to others who know and understand the path I've traveled in this relationship. 

I am really so grateful. 

John, have you thought about the fact that "so many good things have happened to you during the past month" coincide with the fact she hasnt been around for a month? You seem to be getting back on track and feeling better.

You end your post saying about the disgusting things shes done to you. You deserve better. We all do.

John, first of all "dating other women" when you are so heart broken is not a good idea... I am almost 3 months NC and I am doing so much better :) I still think of her certain times ... . triggers... but they go away fairly quick... I did the "dating women" right after and it felt horrible... empty and shallow... you are trying to replace someone... . until you let that person go ... no one in your life will replace them... I have read your post... . I am at the stage now where I get angry when I see good people on here hurt by people ... . but no body can do to you that you do not allow. I was in my relationship for almost 4 yrs... changed my life in so many ways for her ... my fault ... and it hurts for what they did ... but you know what... you will live through it... get some help from a T, medication or something... I guess I was lucky that she had a replacement lined up and moved in with him 2 weeks later... she changed her number and he is watching everything she does... she was playing both for a couple of months until we figured it out... for I while I thought he "WON" ... but I can honestly say... I WON ... . no drama, jealously, accusations and all the other BS that went along with it... I am seeing my friends again, laughing , doing a hobby I love and not jumping when my email or phone rings :) YOU WILL BE FINE MY FRIEND ... .