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My uBPDxw has so severely hurt our sons (14&9) that they do not want to get her anything for Mother's Day.

They have been hurt by all her actions after she left. She abandoned them and only sees them every other weekend.  She never wants to spend time with just them She always has to involve her new r/s.  She spends time with new r/s right across the street in full view of her boys. She never goes to any of their sports, school activities, etc. unless she has to because Dad can't take them.  The list goes on and on and my sons are very hurt by her. She is NOT involved in their lives much anymore.

I'm struggling with respecting their wishes to NOT get her anything for Mother's Day or to force them to do it against their will.

Me personally, I understand where they're coming from. My older boy said why get her anything, She doesn't ACT like she's my Mom!  OUCH!

Interested if anyone is in the same dilemma.

We had my SS13 select a card and mail it. We'll also suggest he call on Sunday to speak to her ( we live two states away and have temporary emergency custody).  If he did not want to send a card, or if he doesn't want to call her, we won't force it. We've learned that giving him and SS18 a choice has helped them recover and grow. You need to honor your boys wishes and allow them some control over their situation. If their mom doesn't like it, that's her problem. We're the ones who are here for the kids and responsible for helping them grow up into strong, confident young men.

IMHO, I'd honor their feelings in this situation.  They need to understand that in any relationship, people are responsible for reaping the fruits of their actions and decisions.  They need to know that when they pick a life partner, they need to be authentic and not "fake it" to appease those that are undeserving.  Forcing them is just forcing them to be dishonest and is enabling for your ex.  If she has to face the consequences of her (in)action, she can come and join the rest of the human race.

Good question.  I wouldn't want her to direct even more wrath toward you or them.  She probably really hurt them, but also has an illness (not that that excuses everything).  I would ask a child psychologist about this, because whatever they do has implications.  If they don't get anything, they may feel guilty later.  The 14 year old is probably old enough to decide such things, the 9 year old may just be going along with him.

I asked both of them privately one on one so they wouldn't be influenced by the other.  They were both non hesitant with their answer on NO they didn't want to get her anything.

I'm leaning toward buying a card and a cheap little something for my boys to give to their Mom. I talked to the older boy about this and he said WHY, she doesn't act like a Mom why should she get anything.

My thinking is to use this as a teaching moment for my sons (and myself). We know her actions are wrong and hurtful. We are justified in our feelings of betrayal and anger but we don't want to have our feelings change WHO WE ARE. Two wrongs don't make a right. I totally agree with the first few responses in this thread, TRUST ME... . THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!  I just don't want to be STUCK in my anger any longer. My boys and I need to rise above her actions and be the good and decent people that we are. Besides I'm sure she would just use the situation to play MARTYR to her new r/s (rescuer). I'm sure she wouldn't understand that it's HER KIDS who didn't want to get her anything. She would see at as it was the MEAN OGRE (me) who BRAINWASHED the kids into thinking this way. It probably hurts her more just to give her a little something and ignore the whole thing. No DRAMA for her to FEED OFF OF!

You want to hear something funny (or sad?) I felt SO NAUSEOUS looking through the Mother's Day cards at the store. I mean I literally felt sick to my stomach trying to buy a card for this woman.  I couldn't bring myself to buying something that said anything about what a great mom she is. So I bought a blank card with a nice picture on it. I'm just going to write happy Mother's Day from the boys... . Unless I change my mind before then and don't go through with it   :)

I agree with momtara, best to get advice from a professional. Do you and the kids have a therapist you can call?

It seems to be that you did the right thing asking them separately. If you were going to send a card, would you make them sign their names to it, or just send it yourself? If she has a history of Waif-like "rescue me" behavior towards them, in addition to the massive neglect, it might just be something else she can use against them to play with their minds. It seems from what you write, however, that they are very aware of who she is at this point.

In the past, I'd give my ex a present.

Is it better to give a gift or a card or deal with a hurt and bitter "mom?" who hasn't been acknowledged on Mothers Day?

I'm still trying to answer this one.

MWC:

I have even tried to go to the dollar store to get her a card and I just can't stomach it yet.  The kids have made their cards.  I know if I don't there's gonna be more ape #**$& flung at me.  I think I will try and get some courage probably Friday.  Might have to order the courage from Amazon.  They have everything!

Today has brought up sort if the opposite question for me. DH has been planning Mother's Day with my two kids, and told me SS13 really hemmed and hawed about celebrating it at all. I understand, but . . . geez, I'm the only mom-like person taking care of him right now, and for the past eight months. And I'm the mom of his beloved older stepbrother. So I'm a little hurt that he doesn't want to even pick out a card for me. Disengage, disengage, disengage . . .

That must burn, PinkieV, but if his mother is neglecting him, he might be just a little cynical about celebrating motherhood, your love notwithstanding. He's focused on his own abandonment which has nothing to do with you. He's still a child with a deveopling brain and personality, and he's being a bit if a punk, consider the age  :)

Yes My older son is seeing a family T. I have a call in today to see what he thinks.

Funny thing for upcoming Fathers Day. I ABSOLUTELY want NOTHING from my uBPDxw. Not a card, not a call, not a text... . NOTHING!

My world came crumbling down all around me Fathers Day 2013. I caught her in bed across the street with my neighbor. Fathers Day from here on out is going to be a BIG celebration with me and my boys. We are going camping this year and to an amusement park. I don't want any Father's Day from here on out TAINTED by her presence! Fathers Day 2013 will FOREVER be known as my personal INDEPENDENCE DAY!

This is tough.

They're hurting.

As a big ol' grownup kiddo of a parent who struggled at being a parent... . acceptance is a skill that I wished I had learned earlier on.

She's still their mama and they have to find a way to learn to "deal" with her. What better way then to learn not to take her personally and learn that she loves them in a way that makes sense to her, even thought it doesn't make sense to them.

It's OK that they're angry. It's also OK to tell them it's OK to be angry. We also can teach them that anger is an emotion that doesn't result in punishment. That we live by our own values and when we love someone (which I'm sure they love their mom), we can still show it even after they've hurt us.

I mean if the goal is to bring mom closer to the kids, what better way then to honor her on the holiday? Maybe even plan a lunch for just mama and her kids? Help them voice that they just want a little alone time with her?   

There in lies the problem. My boys are hurt because she never wants to spend time alone with just her and them. All of her attention is on her new r/s (rescuer). Whenever she has our sons she's always focused on him, even if he's not there she's either on the phone with him or texting him. They have already talked to her about how they don't feel she loves them but she just doesn't get it.

I'm on very limited contact with her because I need to keep out oh her world.  I don't want to go back there now that I'm recovering from it. I REFUSE to baby her and PARENT her on how she should put her kids first. Nothing I say or do would change who she is. I just need to take care of my boys and thank the good Lord above that they are with me 93%of the time!

PS it should be HER goal to get closer to her children! I'm getting her the gift but I think BABYING her is just enabling her.

PSS Dream girl none of this is directed at you I really do appreciate your post!

It should be her trying to be close to her children.

You probably wouldn't be in this predicament if she had that kind of skill set though.  

I think you're dealing with someone with a pretty low self worth who is seeking validation outwardly in her relationship... . and that's going affect her being a present mom. It's her #1 priority because it's the only way she knows how to feel OK.

I also have a son whose Dad lives an ocean away - it's been that way his entire life.

I think one thing that I've actually done right in this life is that while I've always fought legally to keep the custody schedule where I was the primary parent, I have every single step of the way encouraged the relationship between his dad and him. Told him that because his Dad didn't love him the way he wanted didn't mean for one second that he wasn't lovable.

And when he came to me at 15 years old saying "he should be the one contacting me"... .

I responded with something along the lines of, "you're right, he should. But that's just not who he is. So while I agree with you, and while I just love being your mama, not everyone is like that. It's where you make the choice... . if you really want him in your life... . then it's going to be up to you to have him in your life."

He's 18 years old now. He accepts his Dad and harbors no anger towards him, towards me, towards anyone. He's the one who puts forth the most effort because Dad's priorities are just different. Dad is also coming to his highschool graduation not because he asked but because I sent him the invitation.

It is what it is.

It also took me several years to get over being pretty PO'd about it though.  :)

My son turning out to be a pretty great young man also helps me a lot in this because we can't help but worry about our children when there is a not-so-great parent involved.  

Yes It's still very early in the game for me and I know I have a ways to go to get past being PO'd. I'm working on "Giving it up to God"!

Glad to hear about your son. That is my biggest worry and concern, my two boys. That's when it hurts ME the most... . When they are hurting!

Thanks for your thoughtful replies DG!

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  There is no protecting your boys from being damaged collaterally from her, and they probably blame her to some extent for the split.  However, I think that whatever they do, it needs to be authentic.  I gather they know she has a condition.  If they regret NOT getting her a gift over the course of the next year, they can approach it differently next time and will have learned something within themselves.  For now, like you - they may need to be PO'd, followed by some compassion later from a safe distance.

Another angle for perspective - reverse the situation - would their mother sincerely encourage and aid them to get something for you on Father's Day?

My thoughts are to not push the issue.

Does this really matter though?

Shouldn't we live by our values?

Not really determining our behavior or the lessons we teach our kids based on the other parent?

 I think it's only fair to push your kids to do the right thing, even if they don't want to.  she's their mom, she probably should get a card on mother's day.  if the situation were reversed, I'd want the mom to push for you to get a card.  it fights against alienation.

While it's the job of a father (or mother) to teach children respect of the other parent in a healthy way, I'd say mywifecrazy's Ex has done a brilliant job herself of alienating the kids from her.

The long term challenge is to raise them with a healthy respect of the opposite sex. I'm not sure that forcing them to do this isn't just going to add to resentment that is already boiling within them.

I may be a cynical, middle-aged coot, but I don't give a darn about Father's Day. Every day I can see my kids is Father's Day to me  :)

If she wants to get me something (since my kids are young), I'll accept it with grace. If not, no big deal.

Yes you have hit the nail on the head Turkish! Weather she gets a card from the kids or not isn't going to change the FACT that it's HER actions that are causing her kids to react negatively towards her. She has to live with that and OWN it as her doing and nobody else's.

My dilemma about yes or no on a Mother's Day gift from the boys was about THEM and not her. I wanted to validate their feelings and let them know that they are justified at feeling hurt or angry by what she does but I didn't want them to hurt themselves by doing something or in this case NOT doing something out of anger.  We (the boys and myself) need to take the HIGH ROAD on this. Sometimes doing the right thing isn't always easy.

So many good points on both sides of this issue!

I will post next week how it went. No matter what... .I KNOW that in her mind I will still be the VILLAIN   

fair enough.  it depends on the situation.

but mother's day isn't every day.  it's just a card.  i'd do it and not put a lot of emphasis on it.

 

If our S17 wanted to send a card he wouldn't know where to send it. He wasn't seen UBPB mom in 5 months. She may get hurt feelings but she brought it on herself.

I'm sure I'll be blamed and shamed by her not getting a call or text.

SS13 called to wish his mom a happy Mother's Day and she told him it's not Mother's Day since he and his brother aren't with her. No blame for her embezzling and going to jail, just DH for taking her boys and her boys for not wanting to come back. So typical. We found out from SS18 last week that she used to beat them with a metal spatula. Yeah, motherly love. Hope everybody else has managed!

So much for her wanting to be alone on Mother's Day with her kids! She ended up taking them to see her new r/s... . LMAO. Your lunch idea would be great for a REAL mother who WANTED to spend some quality time with her boys!

I'm still glad that I got the card and a little gift for the boys to give her. A lesson learned for my sons. Just because someone hurts you whether intentionally or not doesn't mean you need to lower your standards and chNge who you are.

And to those who said she didn't deserve any gift, I see your point as well.

The funny thing is that in reality SHE should have gotten ME a Mother's Day card being that I'm the one raising them full time!

 |iiii  Way to take the high road.

It was that way with my ex when she used to spend time with our son.

Our Son has grown into a young man. He's spent 1 day with his Mom in 2 years. Her disappearing for 5 months and not giving him her address makes it difficult to even acknowledge the day with a card.

So it worked out fairly well, I think. 

The kids and I did what I thought was best. I'm glad I did because she would have just used it as fodder to defame my character. Of course she came up SMALL as the kids were looking forward to a day with just them and her as you suggested.

I talked to my uBPDx earlier about some unrelated issues. No text thanking me for the card the kids (I) made her. I don't know what I was expecting. As my T said, a lot of my anger stems from expecting her to be something she is not. Radical Acceptance, I guess. I did the right thing anyway, that's what I accept.

Yes Turkish I didn't get a thank you either but that's not why I did it. I did it for my boys sake and will continue to do so because it's the right thing to do. Lesson learned by me!

Your T is spot on. All my anger and anxiety come from expecting her to act like a normal person when I NOW know she's not. She is a pwBPD and I NEED to accept that so I don't get STUCK and can completely heal. It's just so hard sometimes because for 20 years I was blinded by her and I didn't know the truth. WELL NOW I DO!

PS I will be starting a new thread on how I'm struggling with letting go and giving it to God.

That's what my T said to me as well. So far it's been working. Working on my own emotions has been harder, but I'm getting there. 20 years of trauma for you is a lot to process!