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F*ck! I should have never got sexual with him... I should have left it at friendship.

I just had an ephiphany... . I think I want to be used for sex by him... And men in general (unconsciously of course) our sex is really kinky sometimes and intense... .

I think I feel like that is all I am good for... And he

Reinforces it by not wanting to be with me...

But having a high sexual attraction towards me.

I dont want to live life this way.

Then you have some very tough decisions to make about this.  You will have to decide if you are staying or leaving.

This is an important realization, one that you didn't have before... .   You should be proud of it. The question is: If you don't want to live this way, what are you going to do about it?   If you don't want to live this way, why do you feel that sex is all you are good for?

My step dad was very perverted and inappropriate. My family inly comolimented me in my looks.

My life is very disordered ( I may not have BPD... But im avoidant and depressive)

I feel my deep depression and avoidanf issues have held me back in life by qyite a bit and that I have nothing to offer.

I just feel worthless.

I dont jnow what im going to do about it but I feel like im reliving my dad right now and I feel angry (rare for me) he is doing this to me. I know its partially projection bc im just realizing this stuff...

But how could he? Just use me for sex? Wth?

And I give it to him! However he wants!

Someone asked if im in therapy up there... . I am... But its edmr... We arent really talking about him at all.

EMDR is fantastic for dealing with and overcoming trauma.  It sounds like that may be a good fit to keep doing that.  Is there a way you could also do some CBT to work on some of the underlying thoughts and beliefs behind these behaviors too?  Many of them are probably deeply ingrained and automatic having been learned in childhood.

I'm so sorry that on top of this BPD relationship you have had all of these other issues brought to the surface to deal with now too.  The silver lining is that now you have the opportunity to overcome these issues too.  Childhood sexual abuse (in any form) is profoundly damaging to the child.  It is a vile and evil thing your stepfather did.  I'm really glad that you are in therapy and working on overcoming this.  I'm so proud of you!  Truly, you are awesome!  That takes such guts!   |iiii  |iiii 

I did cbt for 2 years before this! But I messed around alot afraid to reveal things.

Im joining a therapy group for relationships called chains of love soon...

Im hoping that helps.

in thereapy im really just focusing on the avoidant stuff

Bc its on the severe side. I feel lile when im doing better with

Functioning everything else will fall into place.

I'm sorry to hear about everything that is going on in your life.  Hopefully, the therapy will keep helping.  I'm sorry to hear about your pain.  I'm glad to hear you are going to therapy.

Don't be angry with yourself-- easier said than done I know-- but focus on making today better than yesterday.

HurtBeyondRepair

I understand how great your need is and how much heart and emotion you have invested... .

We all know here... . I needed my support group to constantly tell me "focus on you". I really had trouble sorting that out. I kept focusing on the pwBPD ... . (which is our part in this that we need to work on), that would get me no where... . HurtBeyondRepair, it is very, very painful to turn away from that connection... . But the sooner you can steer you energy away the sooner you can start to heal and love you. It really is soo much harder to accept than a death, because the person is still there, but truly they are not.  It is a twisted reality, but with hard work you can heal!  It is a process and it takes time. Getting serious about NC is difficult but also fulfilling when enacted.  This big life stuff... . use ALL the resources here. You can do this.

Are you possibly equating the sex to love?  Hard question, I know.  It will take time to answer.  Be patient.

Your posting is filled with very high anxiety - very distressed - do you have a prescribing therapist and are you taking any anti-anxiety meds now?  

I think this may help you today.

so I'm leaving. Deactivated FB accounts... no more.

Here's the dilemma and yet another epiphany I so desperately do not want to face:

A true relationship scares me/bores me even.

I like the high sex appeal/chemistry of these dysfunctional relationships.

The thought of settling down into a healthy relationship seems... so... boring.

So obviously... I have some serious issues... which makes since why I have so many

BPD friends... and lovers. However, I am not BPD.

I'm not getting younger... I cannot live this way forever... what I have discovered is

BPD's usually get infatuated with me through my beauty... . so the sex goes hand in hand

with what they want too.

I don't want to live this way forever.

Does anyone else feel this way too? Bored with the normal ... day to day

relationship life... Does anyone else crave the sexual excitement... that is

so pervasive with BPD's.

The problem is the relationship are so short... rip your heart out... and they just

don't work. They are based in fantasy not reality. I am a fantasy addict...

and so is he. I have a dissociative issue that started as a child. I used fantasy

and that is pretty pervasive through my relationships as well...

I feel like my brain is fix... (even with therapy) and I am doomed.

It seriously makes me want to take my life. It's so stressful... and I'm sick

of living in this fantasy hell.

Yes... I think I equate sex to love ... . very much so.

but at the same time I like being used in that way...

It's very complicated and confusing.

I don't want anti-depressants... and my therapist will

not recommend anti-anxiety for me...

Have you tried the personailty test?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128254.0

Dear Hurtbeyondrepair27

Do you have a close (trusted) female friend or family member that you can get lots of hugs off?

Trust me, this will make you feel heaps better than any of these relationships will, (even the sex).

I may not be you, but I do know where you are coming from, was there once too, and also VERY sexually addicted to my exBP.

Please try that instead, and if not, take care of YOU.

Sincerely

Roller

I am not touchy feely with friends, it's incredibly bizarre simply because in a relationship I totally am!

I asked for a hug from a fellow "non huggy" friend for mothers day! Ha!

I just think I'm addicted to sex... but I despise casual sex... There are many complex reasons

as to why I'm addicted to him wrapped up in screwedupness.

Annoying. Normalcy please.

I want to thank you for posting this, very brave... .   I can totally completely relate. It hasn't been this way for me my entire life but it has been the past few years. And Im not getting any younger... . and I dont want to end up in a relationship that has no core. But Im afraid of just going thru the motions... and being bored to death. I wish I didnt know the difference.

Exactly... it's hard to admit. But it's the brutal truth. I watch married couples with their kids... and their life just looks so boring.

I know it's supposed to be fulfilling and what not... but it just looks monotonous and boring.

I had issues, but recently (it took a whole year of push-pull and hurt) that I realized that it is not about relationship, sex or love, but it is about me. I was bored with myself and I often felt detached from myself when alone. So I would create all those fantasies, basically live in them, from teenager years. I considered myself a love and sex addict.

But the problem is my self-worth was defined by others. Whenever I was getting self-validation of being loved the relationship was turning "boring" or something "missing" or "someday he would leave me".  Whereas the constant push-n-pull was keeping me alive, I tried to prove that I am lovable. I got the feeling of being loved when he (and some other exes) were either drunk or wanting me sexually. That was the high of the relationship that I was addicted to.

As cliche as it sounds the key for me was to love myself. I know people say it everywhere, I felt that I liked myself, I was OK with me, I did not consider myself ugly or stupid, but still apparently I did not love myself. It took me almost 30 years to realize how much I defined my self-worth from those relationships, and since I was not loving myself I needed a no-win struggle with someone else to prove that I am lovable. Rinse/repeat and find another... .

Now I love spending time with myself, enjoying my own company and being more sensitive to what I feel, being vulnerable and loving. Relationship also improves, I do not need drama. Just recently I smiled and laughed during sex from pleasure, which was odd for me. I was feeling more "me" than being in a way objectified.

Good luck to you!

Very good post happylogist.

Hurtbeyondrepair27, this is personal inventory, so lets look at you.   :)

You have expressed aspirations for an unhealthy lifestyle.  You seem to want the benefits of an unhealthy lifestyle without the problems associated with it.

We had a member, years ago, that aspired for a happy marriage, but only dated strippers.  We have had members want stability but did not want to give up their addiction.  We've had members try to find true love in affairs.

Does it ever work, long term, when we want the benefits of an unhealthy lifestyle without the problems associated with it?

No it doesn't so I'm sick of it...

Plus it's a double edged sword for me... . I end up falling for people that are

more infatuated with me because of my looks. If they are BPD they confuse it

for genuine feelings... then eventually the "shallow" core of the relationship follows through.

I know my ex loved my personality too... but he wasn't in love with me. I believe I was more

of a conquest for him. Simply b/c he slept with me... but professes a deep longing for a

co-worker on FB.

Obviously these relationships are not sustainable. Plus... it eventually erodes my

self esteem, because I assume if the person doesn't want me anymore it's b/c I'm not

attractive to them... . or never was.

I know it is based on the relationship I had with my father... . It's very disturbing

and sad.

I hope I get here. Loving oneself is so hard!

My T said that everything is going to be boring because Im like a soldier that came back from 5 tours of duty, and everything is vibrating from the intensity, stress and adrenaline of this past year with my ex psycho. I need to try normal again.

Or find people who are sexually open/high sex dtive and adventurous without

The crazy! I know,it exists!

It does? ... . hmmm... .   lmao.  Is this a dating site?   

I feel like that's me so there must be others!  

Yes there are... .    

Or maybe im just like that bc I am not ready for settled

Down im not sure.

Im 27... So I meed to prepare myself for that...

Again scared of boredom and lack of sex... .

Thpse should npt be at the top of my lost but sadly they are.

I need lots of sex I swear im like a dude.

For women what keeps them is the emotional stuff...

Its always the sex for me. Pretty sure

Im just grossly confusing the two.

Ive always found sex with some intimacy as opposed to a mechanical session was more rewarding for both... . having said that there is a time and place for everything  lol   

What were you holding back?  Why?

Thats ,y preference too which is why I oot out of mechanical sex.

It,hurts bc,i feel like I out myself,fully into sex with him.

It was probably only one sided. It probably meant nothing to him.


In denial, really young, not ready.

I had a lot of sexual transference w my therapist that held it back...

I have a lot of sexual issues.

HBR I'm so happy to see you still posting. I've been thinking of you , wondering how you're doing now? Have there been any new developments? Are you still in NC and off FB?

I cheated and reactivated for a desk peek the other night to see that my exBPD had defriended me.  that set me back a bit. Another rejection from him, but I'm kind of glad. I didn't have the guts to defriend him that's why I deactivated. I'm still deactivated and really don't miss it. And I'm still NC with him, it's 9 weeks  i think today. The hurt is still there but I have good days. I'm glad you're starting to look at your sexual issues, and your contribution to the relationship.

It's all mostly uphill for you from here sweetie xx

Man I can't believe how honest you are and how much you are hitting some of my core.

I have been comfortable in pain my whole life - inferiority and even masochistic in some ways. Deserved hurt, deserved all the  things my own worthlessness brought upon me. yes I had the molestation (curse developing a mature body by 11) and the tampering  etc. Being exposed to bizarre porn  at a young age also took its toll. I was promiscuous after the last sexual assault - nothing to lose now - I am soiled and have nothing to save. Partly I equated sex with approval - no one would sleep with you if you weren't attractive right? But partly it was another way to set myself up for the inevitable pain. It was better than numbness. I could long.

Long for better things, long for someone who would finally fulfill my wishlist (and I had a literal list) Long for intensity and drama and to be thrilled and 'love' like that and be 'loved' like that.

After a particularly heartrending adventure that took me 2000 miles from home at the tender age of 19 I ended up on a bus for 2 and a half days straight being awake and mourning and crying and FEELING I realised I loved feeling this intensity. But it was wearing me out. It felt like the same strength when my best friend died. her death, perversely made me feel more alive. And the fact that I felt so intensely was PROOF of that.

I got deeper and deeper into the idea that I had to feel pain to feel intensely. This made it incomprehensible that when i first met the man who is my husband that he was calm. Not dramatic. Reserved. And completely unpredictable. I can't understand why I was attracted to him SO much when he didn't provoke my need for drama. When instead of screeching and slamming doors he just held me. When i wanted to go wild in bed he calmed me. When I misunderstood him or riled at him or hated on him or demanded more love more -everything he waited till it was past.

And then he would throw things off kilter. Sudenly drive off somewhere. I'd go inSANE. Where is he? Is he coming back? Often guys left and never came back. I'd obsess for hours (no mobile phones then)  And suddenly he'd be back. With a pair of socks for me. Socks? wth? WTH? Socks? But it worked.

It may be that as you graduate through your pain you will find your desire  to be with someone healthier may rise. As you learn to love yourself you could find that you don't need to feel used in order to feel excitement.

Can I assure you that even now after 14 years our sex is explosive but healthy. he drives me NUTS. As my need for comfort in stinging pain has abated (not disappeared) I have begun to accept that there IS drama in the 'ordinary' there are people who can take you by surprise and love you intensely without using or exploiting you.

Wishing you relief from pain

Z

(I put that hug in there cause you said you are non huggy. I had a non huggy friend. She likes hugs more now. i hope you will too )

Sex and multiple partners, trying to fill an abyss that cant be filled will keep me/us/you distanced and unavailable for intimacy... . seeking intimacy with partners like borderline women or men... . who are not capable of of it. And then when it crashes we wonder why... . until seeking it again with the totally unavailable. Fun huh... .   crazy as they are in a different way.

Wow Ziggiddy thank you do much for your post. It hit a lot of nerves for me and I can identify strongly with your take on pain. It is so much better than numb. Recently I found myself in the greatest pain I've ever experienced and I liked it. It was almost ( sorry, for want of a better word) orgasmic. How weird is that? Adrenaline was all through my body. I felt alive. I also felt like I wanted to die, but the feelings were just so intense.  I also felt alive when I was at my happiest a few days prior to this breakdown.

I'm so grateful you shared your feelings. And I'm so happy to hear how well you are doing now. That instils hope in me that I will get there too one day .

Thank you so much for writing this. I feel the same way, except I have more of a "Madonna" complex.

I have only slept with three males. For some reason I feel my value is higher the lower my number is.

But once I am with someone I experience all of those things and more.

I think if I didn't have so many body issues I would be promiscuous. I have fantasized about

being a stripper, as shameful as that is, to even being an escort a prostitute. I have never acted

on any of that though.

My ex is very misogynistic and perverted. I really wouldn't be surprised if

he used prostitutes regularly. I want it to stop... . I do want a man that will love me, or woman,

as is without all the crazy. But it scares the living crap out of me. It is my own personal Hell.

This man contacted me yesterday... and I still responded! I feel numb to him... but I can hear

the desire slowly beckoning to gain his love and affection through my sexuality again. It is very painful,

and I am addicted to the pain. It feels very symbiotic to his narcissism/BPD. I just want it to stop.

Not a peep from him today, and I feel some of those old feelings creeping slowly back in.

I feel like he knows me so well he has planned it that way.

And I'm merely waiting patiently for his attack again. I don't want him to pounce.

I want this pressure in my head to dissipate but it gradually re-emerges no matter what I do.

It's an emptiness that has to be filled. It's a place of self worth that is missing; I fill

it up with sexual and emotional proclivities that I feel are out of my control.

Once someone owns this part of me it is hard to stop the cycle.

It is literally a perversion of my brain.

HBR I truly relate to your post. I "attach myself" to every man I've been intimate with. Regardless of whether they are the right guy for me or not. I've been caught up in the power of sex and had sex too soon with some, and then I try to create a relationship due to my attachment feelings. I know this is not normal. I know heaps of people that can have sex just for the nights pleasure and then move on. I can't. I never have been able to separate love/ lust.

It was the same when I met my exh we got overwhelmed with the sex and married, and 22 years later I'm still questioning what on earth we had in common.

22 years man f*** that!

He wasn't my BPD ex. My exh had depression and bipolar disorder. Difficult to live with but no where near what I've been through with my BPD ex. I left my marriage 2 years ago because I was just exhausted from constantly walking on eggshells, and I needed to find myself again.

18 months later I found myself with BPD guy, and lost myself again. But it was majorly different to my marriage. Opposite in every way. Except for the eggshell walking.

"Out of the frying pan into the fire"

I'm finding myself now though, once and for all.

My first one was a sociopath. (who I have a child with!

Pure hell!) But I love me some BPD meat. This is my second!

I didnt realize my first one was tho until well after our relationship ended

4 years with her.

6 months with him(last BPD). So im slowly improving... I couldnt walk away

From her. This time around is a lot different.

My T last week said it sounded like my BPD  ex was a sociopath. So I researched again. I don't agree. I don't believe his motives were calculated as with sociopath. I had some very real moments with him. And he ran 4 times in 4 months due to emotional instability. I see a scared little boy in him not a lying cheating manipulator. Even though he did lie and cheat and manipulate me, it wasn't deliberate and calculated.

Then again I just might be in denial.

Ill never know. I don't really need to know. I need to move on and leave it behind, and it's easier to do that believing he has BPD.

Sometimes these disorders are comorbid with others so some

Of the traits really overlap. Some BPDs do calculate and lack empathy!

But still have very raw emotions a sociopath cant have.

My soc ex... Even my BPD ex has a restraining order om him!

He is so cruel and calculating... I tried so hard to be good to him and have

Empathhy... And he just continued with the threats.

He is a big dark empty hole. I dont think BPDs are totally like that...

But def share some traits!