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With a BPD person is it true to say that the sense of self is so weak that it makes everything very difficult?

My ex has a very strong SECRET sense of self.

He hid that side from me. But he is highly narc

And lacks empathy.

Pretends to be a nice helpful down to earth guy before I saw the mask slip...

Maybe thats how he views me.

If you're referring to maintaining a relationship with someone who has a low level of self-esteem, then yes. It's very hard to maintain a relationship with someone who suffers from low self-esteem. By adding BPD on top of that will makes it even harder.

I'm not sure what you're attempting to ask ... . Anyway, hope it helped answer your question.

Hello AimingforMastery,

My understanding of the disorder is that the pwBPD has a profound lack of sense of self and this is at the core of this disorder; low self-esteem, poor and often distorted negative self image tortures the pwBPD. This is true of my dBPDh, he is tormented by his lack of identity, his quest to find out who he is is truly heartbreaking to see.

Over the years he has assimilated and internalised bits of other people that he kind of hero worships. He did this even before I met him, then when he met me that's what he did with aspects of my personality and identity, so much so that I thought then that we must be soul mates. Eight years on from then I now realise that this assimilation of other selves is about filling the emptiness and confusion inside him. Trying to quiet a truly tormented soul with the bits of others that become an identity that he presents to the world.

In answer to the question you posted about whether all of this makes everything really difficult, it absolutely does, and certainly in my experience with my dBPDh, is that without formal therapeutic intervention (DBT ) nothing will ever change. The identities change and fill the emptiness for short periods of time, but my dBPDh lacks insight and awareness into what this process is about for him, and currently he is a constant state of dysregulation. For me this  is a desperately cruel and sad disorder for everyone touched by it.

Thank you for your reply; this is heartbreaking t read but I salute your courage.

May I ask what is dBPDh? I am new to this... .

Do you think DBT is better than EMDR?

YUP.

Actually it's an understatement.  If you KNOW a person, you know how to appeal to them because they have core beliefs and values.  When there IS no person, it's a moving target that will exhaust you.

My GF does not know who she is, what she likes, or what she likes to do.  She admits to this.  This causes her much distress, and leads her to become dependent on me.  She has difficulty doing anything on her own, even making decisions about what to order at a restaurant.  And this exhausts the hell out of me. 

dBPDh = husband diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I don't know much about EMDR but I know it can be used alongside BPD. DBT  is the recommended therapy for someone diagnosed with BPD.

Sorry I meant alongside DBT not BPD.  :)

I have arrived at this conclusion again and again. I feel it's the truth, but therapists and other well-meaning people feel it's something that shouldn't be said. But the person with BPD does not have what we know as a "self". They do not accumlate experience or learn through a personal history. The thing we are searching for (and think we can find through our tremendous people skills and super developed empathy) is just not there.

I also think this is true. There is in some way, no one there... . to a greater or lesser degree. That sounds far too harsh but I think what it is that the sense of self has been so badly damaged that they go without whatever is in front of them to get a sense of being met, validated - as opposed to how most of us are which is yes, we like that, we like "strokes" - but we would not give away our sense of who we are  or moral compass, to do that... .

In fairness, I would say there is a continuum and none of us are perfect... .