BPDFamily.com

Hello,

Due to the different emotions I am feeling at this time and the fact that I want to be healthy moving forward I would like a suggestion as a NONBPD as to what type of therapist I should see, or what they specialize in?

Should I focus on(examples):

Abusive Relationship

Trauma Recovery

BPD Specialist

Any General Counselor/Therapist

etc.

This is my goal for the night to see what type I need to see for optimal results, I understand you cannot pick the perfect match for me, yet I am looking for general direction.

Thank you,

Exeter

PTSD is the answer for this and it kind of makes sense, it depends on how you take it though.  You could just see a general counselor for anxiety or depression, PTSD is considered a fairly strong problem and I have been functioning through this nightmare so while there may be some post-damaging ramifications I do not think its as startling or the triggers hurt as bad as someone that was in a war for example.

However that is the course I went in looking for a therapist.

So you answered your question more or less yourself.

Since you have a son together I would suggest  a T how has at least some experience with BPD.

Hi Exeter,

You might want to look into CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or EMDR.

We have some information about EMDR here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37825.0

Hello-

Please forgive me if this topic has already been covered. I am the spouse of an undiagnosed BPD husband and am looking for a therapist for myself. My husband will not seek help, at least not now, so I'm learning more about this behavior and trying to make changes myself. Are there specific qualifications I should look for in a therapist?

Thank you.

Greetings and welcome.  The short answer is " someone that has dealt with personality disorders".  This sort of leaves out the local minister and typical "family practice" therapists. My ex had gone to one that specialized in PTSD but that was to help "her" and not me.  My T understood personality disorders, but treatment is often a specialized area.

While we want "answers" for their behavior, counseling in general is about addressing our own issues, which often are contributory to our current state; our choices in life; our behavior and so on.  While having an understanding and knowledgeable T regarding BPD,  the T is going to focus on you; your life; your issues and likely how they are expressed in your marriage and your life.

I did go to counseling seeking the same, and while it would have answered questions regarding "her", likely I would have simply come away thinking "yes it is all her and therefore I can wave my finger and feel vindicated".  The bigger question was "what was I thinking when I ignored the red-flags and more; why were my boundaries either mushy or non-existent and were they always that way, long before I met her.

I found my validation and understanding of BPD here and though I was told in my final sessions that she had a PD, likely I would not have known had we stayed married, because she opted out of counseling at some point and the T was not going to divulge anything about her to me, without the wife's approval (we were in separate sessions).  We eventually divorced and that is when I was given a clearer picture.  By then however I had worked on myself enough to know how I got into the mess in the first place.  This site helped me with the understanding of the disorder, something that allowed me to find peace in the end.

So a long winded way of saying that finding a good T that understands BPD and the challenges may be helpful in your understanding and coping, however typically the focus is on the person there and what they need to be healthy.  From a T's perspective, telling you all about BPD is not going to help you address your issues and how they may be contributing to the situation and/or may have been a pattern in your life in general.  Having said that understanding about BPD when you go to counseling,may help the counselor better understand your current situation.  "I am here because I think I am going crazy over my SO's behavior" is pretty much where I started.  From that I discovered my poor boundaries, co-dependency, rescue tendency and more.  My wife simply exploited all that and more.

Dealing with a BPD person in a marriage meant I first had to stop my contribution and only then could I begin to stop making it worse.  Without my ex participation and being a willing partner in dealing with and accepting her disorder, it was going to all fall on me, and I really didn't have it in me to go that route.   There is lot of great information here for those trying to go that route.  Everyone's situation is different.

Maybe a few others can offer additional suggestions?

Great advice as usual.  I have to side with the recommendation that a T with experience of BPD (or other difficult personality disorders) is valuable.  For me, I wasted too much time with T's that assume a traditional degree of disfunction.  Yes no matter what the experience the focus will be on 'me' and my choices and actions, etc.  But talking to someone that at least had a clue at the possible distortion and extreme behaviors I found as useful.

And it was one of the early T's that pointed me to this site as a possibility ,which changed my life.

Prior to that too many T's go through the same process for everyone.  A process that might work in a normal relationship, but that isnt all that helpful for relationships with someone that has a disorder.

There were two T's in particular that got it.  These were the most helpful in establishing concrete actions that would make a difference.

$.02

GREAT idea to get your own T - good luck!

The first would be a T who knows BPD. It would help you to "understand" what happened. After that, a T who knows about [Developmental] Trauma, Attachment, Complex PTSD.

I recommend a therapist who specializes in ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy).  It has been, by far, the most productive therapy I've ever done.  I stride when I walk, now :)

I have found it difficult to find a therapist who specialises in PDs

Google, registries, yellow pages. Nothing.

I found one who specialises in anxiety and depression but am still a little frustrated by how she minimises anything I begin to say about NPD/BPD. Would be great to find a therapist who knows this stuff backwards, but at the same time I appreciate my own issues pre-date my borderline and that I need to examine my FOO and the things that drew me to him in the first place.

I am happy with anxiety / depression specialist for now and will use this site and other reading for specific help I need in relation to PDs

bb12

I went to a therapist who I think focused on behavioral. After hearing me talk about the relationship for some time he basically just said "She's a rock tied to your ankle, and you're going to sink." Another good one was "You are not the Catholic Church. You can't run a charity." He understood that her disorder caused her to be abusive, demanding, and inconsistent. When I told him that I wasn't happy in the relationship anymore he said "With someone like her, you have to let her think the break-up was *her* idea." What's crazy is that that's one of the tips for breaking up with a BPD, to become boring. Boring enough to the point that they want to leave, it's often safer that way. Maybe somewhere deep down, that's exactly what I was doing towards the end, the thought was swimming somewhere beneath the surface. She broke it off with me.

My therapist focused on ME getting out of a hole, and out into life. Her disorder wasn't as relevant as what effects it was having on me. In a nutshell, he was there to help me get through *my* issues and cut out the BS in *my* life and become a stronger person. He sorta helped me with the FOG, actually.