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I really thought I was moving away from this - my sister exhibits almost every characteristic currently listed for borderline personality.  I stopped "validating" her the way I used to.  

She rarely calls me for validation, and when she does, I don't give it to her, not the way I used to.  I'm more detached,I won't call her "violators" bi***es and bas**rds. When I don't take the bait, she will end the conversation pretty quickly.  If I'm not in the mood for drama, I just start talking about myself.  She's gone.

Now I am in an in-law situation, with bf's son's babymomma.  We are thrown together occasionally.  I have noticed that I feel phsically ill after I have been around her for more than a few minutes.  Headache, nausea.

A couple of days ago, I realised it's my sister that she reminds me of.  Why I want to help her (Mom programmed me to help), and why it makes me angry after babymomma tells me wildly contradicting stories in the same breath, manages to put me down in front of an audience, or it's just the constant stream-of-consciousness way she has of talking. I just sit and nod at her, because I don't want the drama of her winding herself up if I ask her to clarify conflicting statements.    I'm hamstrung because everyone is terrified she will hurt herself, the baby,or take the baby to her home town, 3 hours from them.

It's my sister all over again.

I hate that I can still be triggered like that.  

Hi Renni,

Thanks for sharing this story about your son's babymomma  Certain people that remind me of my BPD relatives have this effect on me too, I get tense and it often takes me a while to realize why they make me feel this way. I'm sorry she's making you feel this way, it seems like like you're walking on eggshells again. You say everyone is terrified she will hurt herself or the baby. Has she ever done anything like that before? You're also afraid that she will take the baby away to her home town, has she threatened to do this?

Having had long time experience with someone who has BPD, it isn't that unusual that you still get triggered like this. I think you're not the only one on this board who this happens too. It would be nice of course if we could prevent ourselves from feeling this way but unfortunately we can't. However, we can learn how to better deal with these difficult emotions. You already pointed out your experiences with your sister. When your sister triggered you like the babymomma is doing now, what did you do to cope and do you think that strategy could work here too?

Hi, Renni,

I just wanted to say I agree with Kwamina. I think this has happened to a lot of us, where people who remind us of our relatives with BPD trigger feelings of dread and anxiety in us. It sounds like you are worried about what she might do with your boyfriends' grandchild. It is understandable you would feel that way and try not to rock the boat or trigger her, because you don't want anything to happen to the baby. Has  the mother ever expressed that she may be thinking about hurting herself or the baby?

Is there anything you can do to cope when you feel your anxiety levels rising? Do you have a therapist to talk to? Therapy helped me a lot to deal with triggers that were popping up in every day life.

Learning how to stay in Wise Mind can also really help in situations like this. Here is some more information: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0) It can also help to know where your boundaries are and how you want to take care of them. There are some good examples here: BOUNDARIES: Case studies  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0).

How often do you see the mother?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Kwamina, when we were children, I read books all the time.  When we were teenagers, I made friends, got a job, stayed out of the house as much as possible, and moved out when I was 18.  So...   I distanced myself however I could.

PFChange, yes, she's attempted suicide twice before she met stepson.  She took off twice during her pregnancy, and had the baby in her hometown. In 2 years, I've seen cigarette burns on her wrists.  When stepson isn't with her and the baby, she texts him incessantly.  She tells him she wants to hurt the baby.   A couple of months ago, the baby had burns on his face. 

She's in extended foster care.  The burns on the baby's face were noticed by her caseworker on her annual visit.  She told the caseworker my stepson did it, of course.  I don't know what the caseworker actually thought but she is going to visit once a month from now on. 

She knows what to threaten to get what she wants - money or attention from babydaddy. 

I don't know what to call bf.  I'm thinking xbf.  There are subjects he will not talk about, such as the burns on the baby's face.  He's so afraid the kid is going to be yanked out of the home and he'll never get to see him, he tried to shut me up when I told him. 

They lived here for 4 months, while she waited for subsidized housing.  I sleep days.  One day I got up to get a glass of water, saw her sleeping on the couch, and her 4 month old baby in his walker staring at her, gumming a saltine.  Not crying, not fussing, just watching mommy sleep.  She's been coming by about once a week.  The last time she was here, she started ranting and raging about something, and the baby just got, you know, real still.  It chills me.  I grew up like that. 

How terrible that the little boy has suffered cigarette burns from his mother.  :'( That kind of abuse needs to be reported to authorities. It is good that her caseworker happened to notice. If his mother is threatening to kill him or herself, it may be necessary to get the professionals involved at that point. Have you ever thought about making a report when you notice the child being abused and neglected?

Has your stepson considered what his legal paternal rights are?

In terms of your home, do you have any boundaries about how people will behave there? For instance, in my home, we do not shout and yell. If someone is upset enough to behave that way, they need to go somewhere else to calm down. I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling, too. I can understand why it would trigger you to watch her behaving toward her child the way you endured your parents behaving. When you were a child, you did not have the power to tell your parents to stop. Now that you are an adult, you do have the power to tell people to stop when they are yelling in your home. Have you thought about using one of the Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0) to communicate your boundaries? What would that be like?

PF

There were so many issues with bf's kids.  And bf. Their mom was paranoid schizophrenic (he said).  He got custody of the kids and moved halfway across the country.  She died about a year later.  He blames all the kids problems on their mom's mental illness. 

But - the younger stepson moved in for a while.  When I told him I would not tolerate anyone doing drugs in my house, even pot. He got angry.  Weird little things started happening around my house.  Hinge pins taken out of doors.  He went in and out of the window in the room I let him sleep in.  I bought a new house a year and a half ago.  I'd been here 7 months, and he started little minor destructions.  Nothing that couldn't be repaired, but spiteful and malicious. He high kicked my vented microwave door shut. 

His father did nothing, he covered for his son, or told me it was nothing.  In the history of my computer, I saw a google search for how to mindf**k a person.  It had to have been the kid,

because bf and I were asleep at the time.

I kicked the pothead out.  Bf paid me back for this by spending most of his time back at his house. Blessed relief for me, and when I didn't comment, bf came back a few nights a week.

But the babymomma was really in a jam.  She was living in

some really bad inner city subsidised housing in a city 3 hours north of where I live.

Her mom quit helping her, because she kept seeing older stepson. She tried to work but couldn't afford child care- that was one of the way her mom helped.  I told her if she wanted to

come down here, go to school, I would help her.  Offered her a room in my home while she waited on subsidised housing transfer.

Since the baby was here, my bf and stepson came back.  Within a week, we got the housing transfer approved.  I have a friend that works for the registrar at a nearby State college, and she helped us wade through the paperwork.  Within 2 weeks, babymomma was accepted into the school.  But, babymomma didn't get registered in time.  :/ She was keeping the same hours as the babydaddy, and there's no night shift at the college. 

Both Babymomma and Babydaddy are hoarders!  Babydaddy took 5 hot showers a day, had to use 2 FRESH towels each shower, but threw the wet towels on the floor beside the laundry basket I gave them. 

She threw all her clothes on the floor, and they would lay their 4 month old baby in the middle of this dirty clothes hoardpile instead of the crib bf built for the baby.  No one did dishes, and there were half filled bottles with formula everywhere.  Under the bed, under the couch, curdling away.  They never wiped the little trays on his high chair or walker, and would let my dog lick the tray. When I said anything about it, I got blank looks or a sneer.

Stepson has been diagnosed as bipolar, and is very paranoid.  He searched my house for hidden cameras. Stepson used to tw**k.  Can't say for sure that was happening then, but he slept all day, got up at 7 pm, took a shower, then he and babymomma would go to the store.  Leaving the baby with me and/or his dad. For hours. Of course, we both work.  Bf would try to go to bed, leaving me with the baby, but I couldn't lift him, since I had just had carpal tunnel release surgery.  When I put my foot down about that, bf got angry with me. Stepson can't get up to make appointments that are only available during standard business hours, such as job interviews, Legal Aid.  Cuz he's asleep.

I stopped trying to clean.  I went on a silent strike.  I stocked my closet with snacks tea bags, plastic cups that I washed in the bathroom sink,

a Mr teapot in the bathroom, and left the house once a day to have a meal at a restaurant.  THe kitchen was too filthy to cook in.  After 2 days, it was horribly noticeable.  bf got angry with ME.  When I left to go anywhere, stepson would turn and smile, and make this weird fake smile and say, "Oh... you LEaving?"  Once I fake smiled back and said, "yes, but I won't tell you for how long."

When I took her to the store with me, my bf accused me of sleeping with HER.  Stepson accused her of flirting with his dad.

When I tried to have a benign conversation with stepson, he would say," I don't think you really meant to say what you did" Like I'd be talking about the light play through the beveled glass insert in the door.  Or- my personal favorite- That's your perception, it might not be right"

After a couple of months of this, one morning, I weaved and tiptoed through the living room, piled with blankets, their shoes, her panties,baby toys, empty  monster drink cans, dirty plates,

game controllers, remote controls.  I thought "I'm under siege" 

She runs.  Every time someone has told her to clean the house, whether it was bf's or mine, she's taken off.  If it had just been them, I would have kicked them out

after a couple of weeks.  I took pictures of my house, each room, and when I showed a couple of friends, they both shrieked. And according to my bf, I couldn't go in the room I let them use, because it was invading their privacy.  Ironic, because

they went through every drawer in my house, even my bedroom, and closet. My bf was so worried about the baby, he actually physically held me back from saying anything a few times.

But I didn't know what to do about the baby.  If I reported it, they would know it, and I felt like the baby was better off at my house

where I could keep an eye out.  Sometimes they would wrap him in a blanket like a cocoon, and leave him in the middle of the living room floor alone, while they went outside, or stayed in the bedroom.

Finally in November her housing came through. THey didn't leave, because bf said the roads were too slick, and the car stepson drove wasn't safe enough. Or they didn't have enough gas, had no money. Hmm.  I blew up one day because there were no clean pans, nothing to cook with.  My utility bill was 4 times what it usually

was because of the compulsive showering and constant game and internet usage.

I kicked them all out the week before Xmas.  I had been telling them there was no reason to stay any longer, because the ice had melted, the roads were clear.  I gave them money for

gas.  I told my bf they were not welcome here again. Ever. I came home from work one morning, and they were here.  Running around trying to gather their belongings, looking terrified.  I just said,"Your

alarm not go off?" Stepson laughed a little, then caught himself.  When bf got home from work, I confronted him.  He said, "This is a warm safe place, and I have to be with my family"  I told him if his house wasn't a warm safe place, (where the younger son is living),then he needed to make it so, because they were not coming back here.

I have kept in contact with her because of the baby.  I meet her for lunch sometimes, she brings the baby.  I talk to him, and listen to her lie. It's really difficult to be all zen and detached when there's a helpless little soul involved. 

But she lies so much.  It wears me down.