BPDFamily.com

I feel it is probably therapeutic to write out my story, I'm sure many are long and when I did a full story list it took up an entire therapy session of 45 minutes and a few months before 10K words and 16 pages in MS Word.  We're not going to do that.

* Around 3 months into the relationship I had moved in and signs started to show of excessive strange questioning and insecurity in constant questions about me cheating.  (I had been in a previous relationship where someone thought I cheated on them 3 times, and I didn't until they went on a date with someone else and we ended it - they did not physically cheat at that time yet emotionally did.)  This made me slightly wonder if those that complain about something are the one's who are actually committing it, that cliche turned out right in this case, however there is a healthy amount of jealousy that is natural, this person does not have that.

* 5 days after my son was born in November of 2012 I found out I was losing my job.

* 23 days after my son was born she cheated on me while drunk at a bar when I had asked her to come home after 3 beers she said one more and I will - I never followed up thinking she would make the right decision - wrong.  While it was totally acceptable I thought I would try something I never had before - forgiving and staying with someone that had done this.  I also had a son(my first) that was less than a month old, did I really have a choice?

* She has Crohns and was hospitalized for a week over New Years in 2012/2013.  She then quit drinking alcohol and switched to marijuana, then the alcohol came back slowly 2 times a month was the boundary which was weakened thinking she could handle it.

* She was drinking with a woman and man at a bar over mothers day weekend, and came home with them, then left, I walked down two blocks and found her in bed with the man - they had fooled around yet not "had sex" yet - still cheating.  Told her to get her clothes on - was assaulted by the man as I took my eyes off him.

* Left this time right away, she called me the same day I came over that night and laid out more stipulations which included signing over custody of my son.  Each day passed each boundary was broken, yet I felt I had the right to be a father, because I did.  On that Friday she went to go see that guy they kissed three times and my 6 month old son at the time was in the back seat of the minivan.  Ensuing altercation when we get home, she has weed in her system and so I threaten to call the police, my mother talked her down when she came over at midnight.

* After that she went into religious revival mode, lets quit the drinking, go to church, God will get us through this.  I had fear reading the entire Bible that rather than compassion God might execute some Wrath in this situation.  Meaning I felt for a long time this was going to end and that it was going to be in a way that no matter how compassionate I was to her, it was going to happen. 

* As the months went on we went to a therapist in June wanted to see her be sober for 6 months from all things and then we could come back and work on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, he referred her for now to a different therapist, she went to that therapist for about 5 times and then stopped. 

* At home the typical rage and odd demands or questions of why you are doing impulsive things that make no sense came up, arguments occurred over her insecurity until I couldn't take it and sent in the paperwork for the custody agreement to be made up.  I told her leap of faith for leap of faith, she wanted a leap of faith from me in that I am going to stay with her and I said I need one from her in that if she ever cheats again I am leaving for good.

* At first after Mother's Day I was gung ho on trying to fix this, I was so sick of parents that got divorced or did not stay together it made me sick, yet what she did to me made me sick.  I felt anxiety coming home and thoughts of what she had done.  I searched the internet for sources of help and it was all pretty bleak for repeat cheaters, seeing sites such as marriagebuilders.com, and other various how to survive infidelity sites.

* It was during one of the phone calls she had with her therapist that she was not paying attention to our son and he fell to the floor and hit his head.  At that point I got scared and was thinking I have to get her to sign these papers and get the heck out of here.  However I remember I gave her my word, of which I later broke.

* Over the months going to church there was more arguments, there was good times to no doubt, yet argument, argument, argument, and very judgmental to me in how I still wanted a beer now and then, because I can control myself and my drinking.  It was hard to be in pain, and be mistreated at the same time, while trying to get through each week and each next explosive argument or strange accusation or assumption.  She punched me in the face the day before our 2 year anniversary. 

* After waiting to see if my pain level would reduce or be gone, in January I finally got to the point of asking for support or advice giving the full story, 67% of responses said to leave her, another site said "you'll never fix her, she's a serial cheater."  She has cheated on her first boyfriend ever, first love twice, ex-husband with a woman at the end of marriage, and me 3-5 times overall now.

* At the same time in January I felt, was I really giving her a fair shot so I tried extra hard that month to look past my pain and give her the best, when I did she disrespected me by not giving me a phone call at work one night while she was almost 3 hours late coming home.  Its obvious I have trust issues because of what she has done, yet she would simply not agree to call.  I said that's it, I am done and over with this, I packed a few things and left.

* The very next day she wants me back, and through the past 4 months before this there was a makeup/breakup each month it seemed, I just never really left until now. 

* I did break my word at this point saying I wouldn't leave her unless she had cheated on me again, and that guilted me in to trying again when I laid down the firm boundary of you are either going to counseling with me or I am not considering this relationship at all.  She went, realized she had BiPolar and not OCD, or both, she went from Feb - April, the first visit was group, the rest were individual sessions of which she was late once, she rescheduled another, and did not even show to her last one on the 6th.  Showing she does not want to get better or get help, and when I start her child support I don't know how she could afford it anyway, without my insurance helping her.  5th of April we had sex last time, 8th my day with the counselor we decided to end it on differing religious beliefs of her's "no pre-marital sex" and mine "you cannot get remarried".

* She had already targeted the replacement IMO - trying to find sex to reduce her emotional pain, and while we seen each other again one more time, and gave each other kisses and her last I love you was on April 21st - she was talking to another guy online, lying about it, and I found out on the 29th on my last visit with the counselor we were seeing that it was probably BPD, I quickly read sites on how to deal with people that have it, I prayed that Sunday on the 3rd a few days ago and she told me when I went there she was sleeping with someone else.  Not a relationship, not dating, just sex.  Total lies across the board to try and ease her emotional pain with the replacement.

Here we are now, I am ready to move on with my life and get better, I hope there are people here that can help me do this.

Thank you,

Thank you for taking time to share your story, and to participate here.  I think, if my own experience is any guide, you'll find that active participation, in your own healing and in others' healing is very, very helpful.

I am sorry all of this has happened.   It is difficult to arrive at a decision to move on, especially when a child is involved.   This is a process, not a switch, of course, and I'll share some things I've learned:

1. You're not alone.  When I found this community, I felt alone.  The very first days here confirmed my sense that we all struggle with the end of our relationships, and the process of grieving is hard.  But, as evidenced by many here, detachment leads to freedom.

2. It's best to focus on yourself.   Early on, I thought I needed to "make sense" of everything -- what she did, what I did -- but I learned, slowly and painfully, to let go of blaming myself or her.   All I could do is accept that things happened, and that I could only take responsibility for myself.  "Responsibility for self" doesn't mean beating self up -- in my evolving view, it is recognition that I have abilities to self-soothe, to draw boundaries, to feel emotion, to accept loss.

3. Learning about BPD helps us heal, but doesn't mean we can fix anyone else.  For me, it meant learning I could not fix her, or the relationship.   It allowed me to accept the loss.   Nothing more.   Now, my job is to work really hard for good mental health -- for me.   I was a participant in the relationship, and I can accept responsibility for me, and what I want to do.

Your story is powerful.  There are great people in this community who can give you perspective.

We're glad you're here.  It helps us all to engage with each other.

Thank you so much for the response and that is exactly what I am trying to do.  We can crack out probabilities of coming back, resistance to future therapy, and even success there of. 

I am accountable in that I could have stayed longer or not left the house until she came back to reason however none of us knew what the disorder was until its at its "too late" stage it seems now.  Even in accepting that it would take years of therapy to recover from, as that is what it takes for BPD's.  Yet even though there is a part of me that wants to say I will be honorable and love you forever, I also wonder if aside from co-dependency that is an aspect of siding with our abuser or trying to prove to them that we are superior in our state of staying with them and never having cheated on them.  That I think is an unhealthy thought process to walk around with, the relationship has to get back to normalcy, fun, dating, love, and intimacy. 

I did cause her pain, she is resentful to me severely because of her disorder and lets be honest, since I have left I have taken her son away from seeing him everyday.  However I was working on this with her and the counselor and she has made a decision to stop going therefore I am working on me and my son right now.  There are consequences though to both of us, I wanted a family, I have that with my son right now rather than with a partner, her consequences are based upon her actions because of this disorder and her unwillingness to get help.

I would like to move forward and went through the first two lessons, they talked No Contact and seeing a therapist, should I see the therapist before I do NC, or do that right away, or do I wait and see if the replacement fizzles out in the next two weeks like most do?  I'd rather not do option 3 or the latter as that is not fair to me, there is no growth there, and its stasis.

 *welcome*

Sharing your story is a great start at acknowledging exactly where we are.  If you look to the right, there are 5 stages of Detachment as a sort of guide to work from.


There is no right or wrong in terms of the order of doing NC or a T.  If I read correctly, you have a child with her, correct?  As such, NC is not a realistic expectation, but giving yourself space to get your own emotions regulated so you can parent with her is important.

CBT for you will be  a really good healing place along with this community.  You are not alone, many of us have healed from these relationships and it really will get better.

Keep reading the lessons and learning - it helps.

Peace,

SB