BPDFamily.com

"If you're that stupid, then I'm not going to tell you"

I don't post here too much because things have been much much better after 30 years with my BPDh, but, of course, he still dystegulates from time to time. The above phrase seems to be his "go to" line whenever he is "off" and i was wondering if this was common among pwBPD.

For instance this past weekend something set him off and he started in with the accusations. We have 3 grown children who are successful and well-adjusted.  :)uring his rant he told me that I never taught them anything while they were growing up. When I asked what specifically he was talking about, he went to... . "If you're that stupid, then I'm not going to tell you".

It used to upset me so much because I believed his accusations. Then when he would leave me hanging, I would really doubt myself about whatever he was accusing me of. And I would ask him over and over to please tell me what he meant so that I could correct myself... . which of course gave him the satisfaction he was looking for... . knowing that he had hurt me and "won" the argument.

Now after finding this site and learning the reasons behind his behavior, I understand that the phrase is just a coping mechanism for him.  It just is part of his "black/white" thinking as every accusation usually includes the words "never" or "always" or "everyone".  Just a way to satisfy his own needs and that it really has nothing to do with me. Still hard to hear, but I do not take it personally anymore.

I'm not sure if it's a general thing but it probably is something he knows he can hurt you with. If he's in a mood to get a fight (seeing you as the persecutor / bad one) and you're helping to find out what is wrong, that doesn't add up. You're being friendly and cooperative and that's just not what he's experiencing at that moment. Such a comment is a very easy way to make you (the helper / the nice one) feel bad about yourself. And apparently it has worked in the past.

I would suggest to leave him alone (let him cool down a little bit) or say something like "I can see you're upset with me. I get that.' Don't get into the details, it doesn't matter. It's not about being right, it's about validating his emotion (and apparently he's annoyed with you at that time, whether that is factually right... . is better left undiscussed :)).

PS, good to hear things are doing well and you've raised three wonderful children. I hope to be able to say something like that someday as well  .

A similar one for me is if I ask how BPDw is feeling and she won't tell me on the basis that I would know if I was a decent husband.

I'm also really happy to hear you have 3 well adjusted adult children :)

yI find the truth very powerful. I think I would say, "You have started using that line when you can't support the accusations you have made. It is very childish and hurtful".

I think this may deserve validation:

"You are angry and don't want to explain. Fine. No reason to resort to personal attacks and being rude.".

He may be doing better and that is excellent  |iiii. It still will pay to be vigilant with respect to respect. Giving him explicit feedback that this is upsetting may be needed as he may have become so used to it that it does not register. Boundaries are of course also an alternative, may be needed in addition to force the change after making clear that this is not acceptable and rude. Boundaries are of course the only choice if he is so dysregulated that he is not able to listen.

I have to say, after reading your post I feel like you are me in 30 years (hopefully). I've heard that line many, many, many times. It does it hurt. The past month has been good though... . with just a few moments like that. I've learned better ways of dealing with this (from this group) but it hurts. I too find myself questioning if I am "stupid" or "dumb" ... . I believe he uses it because he knows that it hurts me. I wish he wouldn't... . but for the time being, it is what it is. I find that journaling during these times really helps me put things in perspective.

That's good to know, I didn't register that. Sometimes I'm afraid to tell what hurts me because he is tremendously affected by me not doing well due to his actions. The only way to 'validate' that a little is to normalize it. That it happens in relationships that people hurt each other (un)intentionally. That I probably do it to him as well, that other couples go through the same thing. Still, it's difficult I find...