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After everything he has put me through I'm pissed at myself for missing him.  Knowing what I know now.  I know all his horrible traits and horrible things he's done.  I know nothing was real.  I know he didn't love me.  I know we could never have been happy.  I know that he will never change.  He claimed to love me more than he's ever loved anyone.  I believed it and loved him back.  He became my best friend and we had a passion for each other that was unbelievable.  He made the most horrible best friend but I still miss him.  I can't believe I'm serious that I actually miss this man.  I don't want him back so why can't I stop missing him?

It's because you are attached to him through a trauma bond.  I would highly encourage your to read the book Betrayal Bond to understand why we still want someone that has hurt us.  In the end though all the understanding will not help as long as you have an emotional attachment, and the only way to break that emotional attachment is through time via no contact, getting the help you need to internally grow, and understanding your role in the relationship, I.e. Why you allowed him to violate your boundaries and stay in a relationship that was detrimental to your mental and physical health.  These are tough areas for anyone to address, but think of it as his gift to you.  The gift of a journey that will make you a healthier person so you can have a healthy and positive relationship the next time around. 

You are a mind reader! I am mad at me also. I have been reading some about trauma bonds. I read some along this journey as many here suggested. Somehow, I convinced myself that because he hadn't physically assaulted me, there was no correlation to the trauma bond. WRONG! I suggest diligent study on the subject. Also, finding a reputable therapist who understands and cousels those who have experienced abusive relationships. ( YES IT WAS ABUSE).

I keep wanting to believe all his words to me. I thought that him continuing contact was some indication that he did truly love me. On some level, even his hate made me want to believe he loved me. ( He would say that he only said those things to get me to respond because I was trying to not reply and end things). Who truly knows what they really feel or dont feel. We can read case study after cAse study. Story upon story on hear and all over about people who have experienced our own story or some variation. That fact of the matter is that we have been very mistreated. We deserve better of ourselves and any person who we allow to enter our lives. We have to love ourselves enough to not accept less than kindness, consistency, honesty, compassion, and all the wonderful things we know love truly is. Not just words. Actions. We are all here. Hang in there. You are in no way alone in this.

Thank you both.  I will read it!  Feeling a bit more where I need to be.  Yes, why I was  vulnerable and never being in that place again is what I am working on.  The book How to Spot a Dangerous Man has really helped me with this.  I recommend it.  Preventing this from ever happening again is my biggest goal.

The book looks like it makes a lot of sense.  Just ordered it.  Hope I can break the bond.  I don't want a bond or to give him the satisfaction of having a bond.  Can't wait to read it!

After reading it, you will have a better understanding of why you are where you are.  And it really was the last step for me to totally disconnect from my exuBPDgf.  The point that drove it home for me was that if you follow the advise in the book about setting boundaries and decide to stay with someone with BPD/NPD, you are committing yourself to a relationship that will lack a healthy emotional connection, I certainly didn't want to live like that, I would rather be alone than go through that on a daily basis.  This specific point really helped to make the final break for me and it was truly my ah ha moment!

Read the book in 1 night.  It was hard to read but good for me.  Helped me to focus on my recovery yesterday but looks like I need to read it again cause tonight I'm a mess.  Crying and missing him like usual.  Feeling like I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life.  Wishing he could be a normal man and we could have spent our lives together.  Got to get out of this.  Gonna read a book that doesn't have to do with personality disorders for the first time in a while.  When does this pain end?

Hi Promises,

Depends on each person and what they've been through. I am 9 months out it still isn't easy, mostly horrible memories though with the uBPDstbxw. I still have ups and downs but things got a whole lot better over time.

Like you mentioned, read a book about something else instead of disorders for a change. What helped me was to keep busy doing something where I couldn't sit and dwell on her. I spent a lot of time advancing my guitar skills. Try to get excited about any one or two things (I know it won't be easy) and just go with it. If you play piano dive into it. I don't even to this day listen to love songs anymore. If you workout dive into that. If you collect antiques spend your time looking for them. I changed my listening habits from darker & alternative music into completely the other direction for a positive change. Now folk/bluegrass.

It sounds like you been through a storm with your ex. That's how I viewed my marriage with the cruel person who abandoned me in the end. The storm is over now and I am forcing myself to put positive things into my life to change the vibe from a storm into the sun instead.

The sun is so much better. *)

Sorry your going through this pain, hang in there.  

AO