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My exBPDbf and I had been NC for 90 days, initiated by me but he followed thru, which surprised me... . day 90 and I get the usual NPD text, "just wanted to say hi, hope things are going well for you." We'll, needless to say I ended up seeing him that night and 2 things happened, I did some manscaping for him, we had sex and I left. We have not spoken since and it has been 3 weeks now. Did I fall for getting him cosmetically prepared and giving him the ability to not want sex from the new supply so he can look like a gentleman? I am happy we both went back NC but I am confused about his motives.

Good to see you giirl87.   I think, if you don't mind me asking, I'd ask you: 

1. How do you feel?

2. What were your motives?

I don't ask to challenge, or criticize.   I do it because, if I have learned anything in this community, it is to let go of trying to understand my ex-girlfriends motives for anything.   Instead, I want to know why I do things, or don't do things.

Does that make sense?

To be blunt, breakup sex is not unusual  - the last "time".  It is a part of letting go sometimes... .

At this point, answering LettingGo's questions will help you determine what you need at this point.

I had a few motives... . Of course validation being the biggest (even though I KNEW I wouldn't get it, I wanted to see if I still had that "in love" feeling for him and, the sex was usually good and I wanted the sex.

When I left his place I realized that I definitely don't feel the same about him as I did when I left him. I don't  feel anger, hate nor do I loathe him. I actually feel sorry for him. He will never know what it is to be truly loved, adored, or content with one person who treats you with love and respect.

I also realized that I do not need him to validate what a good person I am, the right man(when I find him) will not only validate but will appreciate me for me... . the ex will never have those feelings either.

I know someday I will be in love with the right person and they will be in love with me. I never worry about living my life alone and miserable... . I am neither of those now. The ex... . Doesn't have to worry about those things because it is inevitable that that is exactly how he will end up.

I felt relieved knowing I never will feel a need to walk thru the front door of his house again, I felt liberated... . And the sex, well it was not that good.

Wow, Girl87,

That was so eloquent and accurate to my feelings, I almost copied and pasted that to an email to my ex

Boom.  You are the best -- that's an awesome conclusion.


I want some of that!

Seriously -- that's a good result. 

I did the exact same thing about a week after my breakup. It was strange because we had sex and then went to sleep after a token fight. But something had changed. I was just not as desperate for him anymore. He tried to fight and to be mean and I just realized that there would be no change if I didn't make one. He is no longer my world and my emotions are not his to control anymore. I would be lying if I said that I didn't still love him, but it is not the all consuming thing I felt before. It is a sad sort of love that may always be there but is now marbled with pity.


Stay strong!