BPDFamily.com

My fiancee flipped the switch on me a month before she was due to finally arrive to live with me. (She is California, I am in Texas). I had no intellectual framework to understand the coldness, the accusations, the insults- in spite of the fact that I pretty much read everything about everything. When reason and words failed me, I finally began research her behaviors and then when describing them to a friend who is an abuse survivor (and counsels abused teens) said "she may have BPD," there it was. Textbook, right down the line except (as far as I know) no self-harm.

She's now due to arrive (or not) in 8 days. And I don't know if I want her to or not.

I'm glad I finally found this forum.

Thanks. Help.

Hello davidamnesia,

*welcome*

Yikes! What a dilemma... .

I am glad you have found us, and - I understand what you are saying. We had a similar situation with my step-daughter a few years ago. She decided to move into our town then, and we were having mixed feelings about it. What we did not know then was that she suffered from BPD - all the signs were there, we just had no clue what that was.

In a way, you are at an advantage - knowing what you are dealing with. BTW - not all persons w/BPD self-harm (that is only one of the possible coping behaviors. It's a good thing that your fiancee doesn't seem to struggle with that).

Eight days is a short time - what seems to be the deciding factor in her coming or not?

How long have you been together?

 *welcome*... .  |iiii

Seven months, counting this last month of hell. We had been friends online, it blossomed into love. The intensity was such that we even discussed whether we might have "rescue fantasies" about each other. (She had done what I now know is the classic BPD move of almost immediately telling me about the current emotionally and physically abuse relationship she was in).

She visited last Fall and it was the real thing. Even with what I now know about BPD (and the part about going over the good times/good thing said), there was a core of very real love and connection there.

We began working towards this: being together. We declared our engagement. Her husband (yes, of three years) agreed to finally pay for her visa... . and the flight, a one-way ticket was booked.

If had known to even think BPD-- there were minor incidents about every two weeks or so where she would get very anxious about this or that... . or minor insults. That we would talk through eventually after just a few hours or a day.

Part of the problem was her isolation-- we had little else but facebook chat and the occasional skype video chat when we both had enough privacy.

I currently don't expect her to come. Our last Skype video chat was Sunday last-- on her terms which were about 3 AM to 5 AM-- mostly insults and a reciting of the narrative she's created of how I've let her down, been a chronic liar, flirted with other women online, etc. (all untrue). She says it's over, except for her saying "it would be so easy to fall back into this" and me sadly fighting for her to give it a chance because is she going to stay there with a man she's said has beaten and even raped her?-- and her saying she's loyal and there wouldn't be sex. Oh-- loyal to the NEW facebook fanatasy guy--who seems to be more not me than anything truly interesting. But in what I know now is classic BPD-- she really cares about him and I'm worthless.

Yeah. I'm getting the full blowtorch. And as I now know-- everything I say is a trigger. Reasoning with her invalidates her 'reality."

I've never felt such cognitive dissonance-- it's a physical pain in my head, a somatic draining of all my energy.

For "part of the problem was her isolation" read: "I thought the occasional problems were due to her isolation... . "  Apologies for the typos and/or lack of clarity; I haven't slept much for days and days.

And thanks for the welcome.

This is loving a BPD in a nutshell.No happiness 90% of the time and very very draining.I am so blessed not to be there anymore and I never want that in my life again.I would rather be single than ever go back to any BPD Disordered human being.I feel for you but there is a way out of the madness and darkness.These forums and therapy has helped me have a very peaceful life again. |iiii

I understand what you're saying, though until this last month (and another thing I've recently learned is that not only the upheaval of actually coming here AND the fact I'm the person who, because somewhere in there she loved me, triggers her abandonment fears the most)--- it was 90% GOOD.

I'm seeing a therapist-- but I already know to "work on me."

And I know that letting go and understanding I have no control over her or this situation are the keys to that.

I even know that my loving her and being compassionate enough to not want to consign her to this pattern for possibly the rest of her life is a complete cliche for the SO of BPD.

I'm pretty (normally) well-adjusted-- though of course love of that intensity could push anyone's buttons, even a non-codependent person.

I'm a good person. I'm kind. I'm loving. I'm compassionate. It sounds arrogant I know, but I don't want her to lose this chance at someone who understands and actually won't abandon her.

davidamnesia,

I'm sorry your going through all this. Sounds like you really have a lot to sort through and a ton of grief on top of that. I'm married but separated to an uBPDstbxw of 4 years. I never knew about BPD till after we separated. You seem wise and are driven to have an understanding of things. So now if you get married you know what your getting involved with. Your above statement in bold is what I want to comment on for the most part. I could not reason with my wife ever, we could never solve anything and she would never believe anything fully that I said. She just raged. This can be a recipe for disaster marrying someone like this. I say that out of care. Take your time on any life decisions like that and be careful. I can't even file for divorce here from her for about 4 more months due to region guidelines. Hang in there and just stay wise and be careful, it will all sort out one way or another for the best if you do this. Good luck.



AO

Thanks. It really is the hardest thing emotionally and rationally I've ever faced. Part of me wants to make sure she doesn't come here. And honestly, I'd say it's 50/50 at best that she does-- after all, I've already been replaced by someone new-- right after this month of trouble started, she started talking to him and putting him on the pedestal.

Everything feels like a dagger made of ice directly in my heart. And my mind. And my back.

Acute cognitive dissonance is the best way I've found to describe it-- it's not like a parent dying-- it's more like facing an irrational evil force over which you have no power-- perhaps (and not to minimize their experience at all)-- innocents caught in a horrible conflict. The helplessness. And the sadness and care I feel for her on top of it all.

It's disorienting in the worst way. Unmooring. Holding on to who I really am is tough-- especially when I realize all I'm doing is reacting to her.

These words of yours describe who I am also. I tried soo hard to save our marriage.

That didn't stop her from abandoning me heartlessly, taking all the money, the car, leaving me no place to live, no chance to get to class - I went to college (I dropped out), no way to get to work (fired) and no safety.

I wish you the best. Just telling you that this type of relationship is not easy. Different rules apply.

You are already very aware, davidamnesia. That is a tremendous asset in all this.


This is very true, and stepping back enough to re-gain your own balance and perspective, and then acting rather than reacting is the best antidote.

I think that for right now, you would benefit best from posting on the [L2] Undecided : Staying or Leaving (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0) board. It will help you step back to look at your options and understand how you really feel. Learning the "Stop the bleeding" tools such as validation, techniques for erecting and maintaining boundaries, and using time outs is essential. There is also a process called "Choosing a Path" on that board, that the senior members will be happy to help you with.

Feel free to check it out and come on over there.

Thanks-- I actually thought I was posting in the "undecided" thread---oof. And now I've typed all this stuff here in... . "new members." So. Tired.

You should be in the right place now... .  

Well I've never read a post here from someone before they really get involved with a pwBPD. She hasn't even arrived and you haven't slept for days. This is good training for those nights that she is going to keep you awake all night with her nonsense and accuse you of all sorts of things.

If you're pretty normal and well adjusted as you say you are, you should resist the temptation to "prove" anything to her about your undying commitment. There is nothing wrong with saying, "I don't want an unreasonable dead weight on my shoulders", regardless of how harsh that sounds.

Sometimes in life we already swim against the current so why swim against a tsunami? The reason you're here is that you know that she is wrong for you. Go with your gut instinct and run as fast as you can. Good luck.

Hi davidamnesia,

I'm so glad that you reached out and have started posting.  I can understand your feeling conflicted right now, you have been through a lot of stress.  We have lots of resources that can help.

Davidamnesia, can you get out into the fresh air for awhile, go fishing, or play an instrument – anything to get you out of the swirling thoughts for a time?  I think it would be really helpful to take a time-out just for you and your well-being, if you can.  Deep breaths and movement can make such a difference.

I know how urgent everything feels right now, the "reacting mode" is very normal.  In my experience, however, coming from that space can ratchet up the distress, which ultimately wears you out even more.  I've been there. 

When you are ready, we have communication tools that can immediately calm things and help you get back on track with your partner.  They don't create miracles, and take a lot of patience, but you can start using them immediately, while still staying balanced and firm in your own needs and desires.  Check them out here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.msg1099713#msg1099713), when you are ready.

No matter what you ultimately decide to do, these tools will be helpful in all your relationships – with pwBPD or not.  And the lessons on the site will support you in finding the path that is right for you.  We are all here to walk beside you as you work through this.

heartandwhole 

I agree wholeheartedly.  Man, you're not even in this deep yet and its causing you HELL.  HELL.  Look at that bolded statement.  My god.  Mine yelled at me for HOURS in the middle of the night.  Threw stuff, pushed me, just couldn't stop RAGING.  I raced out of my home on multiple occasions to make sure I didn't slap her or restrain her.  That's the stuff that gets you arrested.  Im a GOOD guy, but EVERYMAN has his breaking point and there are many on here that got pushed to the point that they lost it. 

Dude.  You need to let this go.  My two cents.  If you've done the proper research you know this is likely to get WORSE not better.  Standard rational communication with a BPD DOES NOT WORK.  We've all tried.  It's like trying to tell a 5 year old why they can't have an ice cream or toy.  They pout, scream, have tantrums.  EXCEPT now they can call the police, get you arrested, destroy your reputation in social circles, get you fired, take all your money... . I mean... . do you really want this?

There are other women out there... . hot ones too that aren't going to give you anxiety attacks from other states much less in your own home.  I hate to say it but unless she wants therapy (which I doubt she really does) the odds of this getting fixed are ZERO. 

Again, just my two cents.  Wish someone had told me this before I moved mine in.  Oops... . some of them did... . and I just didn't listen.  Lesson learned.   

Sorry... . need to mention one more thing... . you're engaged at 7 months?  That's WAY quick my friend. 

I'm not trying to burst your bubble here but that is standard operating procedure with MANY BPD's.  They love bomb you with sex, attention, unearthly flattery and put you on a pedastal so high you will shatter when you fall off... . which is already happening. 

They push the relationship into 6th gear and 240mph... . sex on the first date, I love you's within two weeks, and then BOOM!  Living together or engaged... . and THAT is when the real stuff comes out... . and YOU ARE TRAPPED. 

This is why so many people have trouble walking away.  They become addicted to the push pull looking for that original high just like a drug... . then theres the inconvenience factor... . kids, splitting up possesions, money, etc.  Then there's the really hard stuff like them raging, attacking, making false accusations, etc that many people just don't want to deal with in order to leave. 

It take TREMENDOUS strength at that point and most people's self esteems have been shredded into confetti by then so good luck with that. 

Don't do it man.  Talk to your therapist.  If she really loves you delaying things a bit until these issues are resolved shoulnd't bother her that much.  If she FREAKS you have your answer and a preview of the future. 

You're not alone.  You're not a sucker.  We've all been there.  IT IS BRUTAL, but a fantastic learning experience.  Remember the man before you was the villain right?  If you two break up... . guess what?  YOU'RE THE NEW VILLAIN FOR THE NEXT GUY.  I bet you half of the stuff if not more that she says about the guy before you is exaggerated or fake... . ask it would be with out... . as it already is in the accusations she's been leveling at you regarding flirting with other women etc. 

It's gonna get worse dude.  I've heard CRAZY stories about BPD's enlisting their new partners to attack the old ones... . not kidding.  Some have actually died.  This isn't hyperbole.  This is triangulation and drama that entertains the heck out of them.  Two guys pairing off against one another for her hand?  Oh how romantic. 

Be wary. 

She's not going to get on that plane. It's not happening.

Two days ago, she popped into facebook chat via her dummy account to say everything I was posting was about her (it wasn't) and that it was all a pathetic, childish attempt to get attention.

This, of course, from someone with over 400 selfies over time as her advertisements, er, profile pics.

I tried using the SET stuff to not validate her paranoid stuff, just basically "I know that must not feel very good" or words to that effect.

It worked for a moment and we made plans to skype late that night (when I got off work) or the next day.

Then it went south again when she accused me of creeping on her (blocked from me) real facebook due to a song I posted (coincidentally) by an artist she had posted about.

At that point, she was saying there's not even a point in being friends at all or even in contact.

I said "there are a couple of things you should know" in a weird moment of just trying to keep her willing to talk again. Weak, I know.

Her response? "You have HIV"

"You have HEP C" (if you missed my earlier posts, she DID visit last fall for 12 days)

I think that's where I reached some kind of limit on the amount of emotional and verbal abuse I've gotten from her over the last month. The feeling that I've been hit by a truck.

I've done nothing but read about BPD since I first sorted out that was what was happening to me here. I know it would be a horrible, uphill climb (remember, she doesn't know she has it-- unless she DOES and never told me) if she did arrive.

Yesterday, the day after, was hard. I've never felt so drained-- but for most of the day I felt like I had really turned a corner on this.

Today I woke up with the full weight of sadness over the loss of what I'd worked so hard for. And that white-hot, idealization-stage love. And the full intensity of her ability to morph into the smartest, funniest, most perfectly compatible woman I've ever known. And of course--- the most compatible lover, too.

As today progressed, I've still not been able to focus on the work (writing) I need to be doing, but I'm not dwelling on this, and I'm sort-of better. I'm still going on about 4 hrs sleep max per night at best, so i'm not 100% in any way.

This is amazing. Brutal. Maddening. Depressing. I've never imagined anything like this. It's really a horror story.

And having read so much about BPD in the last few weeks-- part of the horror is in knowing that everything is playing out-- and would continue to do so-- according to the same script with variations as it does for everyone else.

Everyone who warned me, before I understood, based on her "little freakouts" of complete irrationality over the months, that I might be better off without her--- or more recently that I was going to "dodge a bullet" or "be careful what you wish for"---you just don't want to give up. And when you really love someone, you don't want to give up on THEM, either.

What complete hell this is.

I realized I left the end of that fbook chat with her.

After she suggested that what I wanted to tell her was that I'd given her an incurable STD, the SET stuff went out the window.

I was back reacting. I said "what the hell is wrong with you to even suggest that?"

Remarkably, she was back to saying we could skype later. But now I was the angry one, so I said "I'll see if you're up when I get off work, but there's a chance I won't be alone."

I knew the moment I said it that I wanted to say something to test her reaction. Not to show her up (because she's already talking to a new guy on fbook that she will likely never see in person), not to hurt her--- but certainly also to try to get back a little control for myself.

She lost it. Completely. From my innocuous remark (which was far less than when she wanted to tell me a week ago how "honest and sweet" the new guy is----she derived that I was telling her about my "sex life." Her reaction was so off base. She went on to say pretty bizarre things like "I know you can pound that p*sy" and "I know you can do a lot of things." (whatever that last one means).

And that was it. She immediately deleted or blocked me on the dummy account.

And yet. There she sits on Skype in "available" mode every time I log in. (Invisibly-- because not only yes am I checking to see if she's there, I admit it, but I also do need Skype for a couple of business contacts on a project).

To everybody who is undecided / staying in the relationship:

Whatever you decide:

PLEASE DONT HAVE CHILDREN

It complicates everything and the real losers

may be the kiddies !

First resolve ("cure" the BPD !

You dodged a bullet my friend, my gf is BPD and we also started off as a long distance relationship.  I had no clue about her BPD until she moved here, I love her with all of me, but had I known, I'd probably have not moved her here.  Life in a BPD relationship is HELL on earth.  IMHO. 

David,

Take deep breaths.  Your coping skills have been completely overwhelmed by the tornado that is BPD.  Why do I use that metaphor?  They come into your life... . looking beautiful at a distance... . but when they come close they rip up your world to pieces and then keep moving on leaving you in the rubble... .

You have to rebuild.  It's going to take TIME. 

First things first.  You have got to accept that this is OVER.  There is no happy ending.  You need to accept that she isn't the oasis in the desert that is going to save you from the heat of life.  SHE IS THE HEAT! 

Cry.  Grieve.  Weep for what never was because deep down you know she is NOT the person you fell in love with.  That person was caring and kind.  That's how it starts out in the beginning.  Doting, acts of altruism, generoisty, etc. 

THEN she starts attacking you.  Part of the devaluation phase.  You don't measure up and the secret is... . NO ONE DOES.  Eventually parents, friends, and lovers are all attacked.  Thing is she's still hanging onto you because she either enjoys torturing you or you are providing her with a source of attention (narcissistic supply).  400 profile pics?  Yeah that's standard. 

YOU need to cut her off as well.  Block her phone number, fb, email, everything and THANK GOD she doesn't live in the same city as you.  It's MUCH worse then believe me. 

Keep seeing the therapist and share your knowledge on that she might be a BPD.  If your therapist isn't that well versed in personality disorders find another one!  You need guidance in this. 

Try to consider everything she said to you, the history about the ex, the I love you's, all of it to be a LIE.  OR at least an extremely distorted truth.

You will not get her back.  It's over.  She might try to charm you back in and act nice for a while but all this crap would start up again and for god's sake why would you put yourself through this?  Have some respect.  Love yourself.  You don't deserve this. 

You write?  Can't find anything to write about?  WRITE ABOUT THIS!  Get it all out!  It will help. 

Start going to the gym asap everyday.  That will help your neurochemistry and looks for when you start dating again. 

Two things here that really helped me though others might disagree are xanax and sex.  Xanax in limitied quantities when you're overwhelmed is invaluable.  It will also help you sleep.  Ask your therapist or doctor about it at least. 

Sex?  Yup.  After your self esteem is shredded you need to get back in the game.  If you have to take some time off fair enough, but you need to get back on the horse.  Date again.  See women again.  They might not have her fire... . but you also won't get BURNED. 

Get yourself tested to dude.  That stuff she's talking about... . you need to be wary.  For real. 

Hang in there man.  Just don't talk to her anymore.  It's killiing you and the worst part is she knows it AND DOES NOT CARE.  She never did.  You're a plaything.  A toy.  When you break she gets a new one... . and she has. 

My life is SO much better since that freak left with her alcoholism, 100k of debt, drug abuse, and INCREDIBLE ANGER.  Hot women, new job, trips everywhere, my confidence and self respect are back, and I've gained 10 pounds of muscle.  It's worth it.  Trust me. 

I see advice to stay the hell away and cut all contact and see advice for dealing with her. I can't focus on anything, haven't for months and now I realize that the idealization phase is just as draining as the devaluing phase, just in a different way. It's like I've had a parasite draining me for almost the entire relationship.

Hell of a time for my therapist to have to leave town.

Her arrival date was to be this coming Saturday. I think once that has definitively passed, I can really work on moving on. I think, I hope, I don't know.

Time the healer, time the destroyer.

This is definitely a tough tough time... . There are no easy fixes, but the best thing you can do for yourself right now is taking a step back and focusing on 1. Self-care (trying to get regular sleep, food, exercise, hopefully function at work). 2. Taking it a day at a time with the relationship/relationship fallout; and focusing on how to stay safe and sane for now. 3. As time goes on, some things will sort themselves out, and you can start sorting some things out for yourself at your own speed... .

just glanced at this quickly - i know you want to be the one who doesn't abandon her.  but she may perceive small abandonments anyway.  there may have been others who were good to her.  this isn't a disease that makes sense.  maybe it is salvageable and maybe there is hope, but just don't think you have magic powers.

be glad you aren't married yet so you have a chance to figure this all out first.

I must agree with several who have replied to this.  You are getting into a potentially life altering (and probably not for the good for you) experience.  I have been together with my BPD wife for almost 12 years.  The one singularly good thing about our relationship is we never had kids together.  She had 3 kids before I met her.  Her oldest died at 9 yrs old (about 6 months after we got together).  This put her on a downward spiral and eventually led to her seeking mental health.  It was at this time that I learned that she was BPD, which was a reconfirmation of an earlier diagnosis when she was 16 (when she had her first son).  She has not had an easy life and abandonment has been a big part of it, sometimes through her own actions, sometimes not.  She is aware that she is BPD.  She is also aware that the trauma she has experienced in her life is overwhelming to her when she even begins to think of it, so she doesn't and so the cycle continues.  I have hope and faith that she will get well.  My older sister went through the same cycle until one day, she had enough and decided to get well, into treatment and recover.  The thing is, it has to be their choice.  You CANNOT FIX HER.  No matter how much you want to, how much you try or how much you do.  If she is not willing to face what is, accept what is and put the work in to heal what is, for herself and nobody else, then you have already lost.  If you continue down the road you have chosen, it might get better for the moment, but long term, forget it.  You are in for a lot of pain and misery.  I had been told way back when that sometimes they grow out of it and mellow with age, even without therapy or treatment.  This may or may not be so, everyone is different, but believe me, those 20 or 30 years will be the longest of your life.  If you are ready to be lied to, cheated on, blamed for, not trusted, accused of everything and generally have a sucky life, then my advice to you is proceed.  If not, my advice would be to end it before you are sucked in so far you can't get out.  7 months is not a long time invested.  Another thing to consider is if and when you do marry her, your troubles have just begun.  There is an article on this site titled How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves.  My advice to you would be to read it very carefully.  Take heed of the wisdom you will find in it.  It describes my own relationship with my BPD wife to an exact T.  You might be able to relate to it and if you can, think long and hard about moving forward into marriage.  I would also maybe see if she is aware of BPD (not sure if she has been diagnosed or just showing all of the signs).  If she is and you still want to proceed, I would then possibly attempt to see if she would be willing to seek help, but keep in mind it must be her decision and hers alone.  It is like an alcoholic or addict.  If they don't get into recovery for themselves, then it is basically a lost cause.  If that turns out to be the case I would cut my losses and cut her loose.  Good luck and God's speed, my feeling is, your gonna need it.  Faith, hope and love.

One day to non-arrival.

Awoke to news that she had unblocked on facebook my former best friend here who helped set the crisis in motion by creepily sitting in MY facebook account and chats with her (Chrome didn't sign out all the way when I was on his computer), reading why he and I weren't friends anymore (because he joked about her being raped, just for one thing, besides ultimately being a sociopathic type with zero empathy)---

and she's publicly declaring her love for New Facebook-Only Guy Who Is Not Me.

I can't keep going like this. Even now understanding as much as I do about pwBPD, etc, I still can't make it all OK.

The swings from depression to sort-of ok to anger are tearing me apart.

She doesn't know. Or if she does, has never told me. She is just textbook, all the way down the line except for (as far as I know) no self-harm.

It's so unreal. All of it. Faced with complete, beyond my control unreality is without question the hardest thing I could conceive of. And yes, a life or a marriage like that seems like signing up for a tour of hell.

Getting over this is not as easy as intellectually knowing what's happened to me though. To state something probably obvious to you guys.

You are right... . Knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easier to go through, does it?

It is a devastating experience... . It's ok to not feel ok... . What can you do to make yourself feel better?

There are a several things on the website that might also help you through this:

Article 9: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm)

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing.htm) (book review), and also a workshop on the same topic: Shattering (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=213728.0.htm)

So in being devalued, abandoned, and replaced by a pwBPD, I get to mirror her symptoms via my own "fear of abandonment" issues that we "all apparently have," and then get stuck in cycles of grief, anger, etc and be "shattered" just like she is.

That's just great.

My sarcasm wasn't directed at anyone pointing me towards resources, by the way. I'm grateful for every response and this board. It was directed at the results from reading those resources-- confirming my worst instincts about... . well, everything. Her, it, what this feels like. All of it.

We understand david... . breakup is a crappy situation to be in all-around.

It is overwhelming, it's infuriating and depressing at the same time, and a host of other emotions on top of it. 


One positive heads-up though: even though right now it might seem you will feel like this 'forever' and this pain will 'never end,' you will get through this and you will start feeling better. No worries, you won't get stuck in these cycles. You will meander in and out and through them, but you will emerge on the other side, unscathed.

For anyone who has never been through opiate withdrawal-- that is not only exactly what this feels like, it's exactly what this is-- thanks to the endogenous opioids triggered (probably like never before) during the idealization phase.

When she came to visit last Fall and we confirmed our love in person, I had six months clean from pain management that had gone sideways on me. Those 12 days of intense love, and naturally (I now know why) the best sex I'd ever had, gave me a quite literal high like none other I'd never felt-- except I had felt something very, very similar.

She was a drug. I am in withdrawal.

It strikes me as pretty miraculous that I haven't self-medicated during any of this-- while I was idealized but separated by distance, and especially when the devaluation began in early April. Oddly, getting clean from the opiates was easy: I put a mediation practice back together.

But this. This is different. Obviously. And people who know that I meditate tell me "you'll be fine." "You know what to do."

Yes. Yes I do know exactly what to do. Be in the present moment. Be ok with the way things are. Do not be attached to outcomes.

More often than not, "knowing what to do" seems to make it worse right now. It's the getting from here to there that I'm unable to do.

By the way, the decision has been made for me by her. I've already been replaced anyway. So I don't know if that counts as me being "undecided" here or not. Clearly my mind and even my body are still locked into the dance in a huge way.

I've never been so close to suicide in my life--- not as a dramatic, "I'll show her" gesture. And not that I would ever do anything about it-- I haven't really even had ideation. But the closeness is in wanting to just... . not feel this way anymore. And because I "know what to do," and because self-medicating is off the table for me, I feel stuck.

The drug and withdrawal analogy is a good one.  That is what it is like so you are ahead of the game a little in having personal experience with that.  Self medicating will only make your situation worse (take it from somebody who knows).  In my own situation I liken the BPD to addiction or alcoholism.  This has helped me deal with my own situation in a little better way because I can understand my BPD wife a little better, which helps, especially with communicating with her and dealing with my own issues regarding our relationship.  As far as intellectually knowing, don't feel bad.  I have read many posts on this site of people who are in the same situation (myself included).  The head and the heart are definitely two different ways of perceiving the world around us.  Hang in there, it will eventually resolve itself one way or the other.  Faith, Hope, Love.

That is pretty awesome david, give yourself some credit for that!  |iiii


I'd say it depends on how you will benefit best from the resources on this site and also from the discussions. I'd encourage you to check out the side panel here ---------------> , and see what speaks to your situation.

Also, you can have a look at the Leaving forum, and see the tools there  (their side panel). If/when you feel ready, you can make the transition there.


It's good to know that you haven't had the ideation - if you ever get there, please know that it's important to connect with someone who can talk you through it. Calling a 24/7 hotline that specializes in that is actually great, even though many people are reluctant to do so. They are very helpful, and trained for these situations, and even just chatting with them can make you feel much much better... .

I have a question: Are you thinking that because you 'know what to do' you 'should just do it' and automatically feel better, and are supposed to be tough with yourself and 'pull yourself by the bootstraps?'

I am wondering what you meant by this:


What in particular is making it worse? Is it the answers that you are getting? That people sort of tell you 'oh, you'll be fine' rather than being able to sit down with you and listen to your sorrow? Do you have someone who you can talk to about this in real life?

Also - have you tried physical exercise? (It's hard to motivate yourself to do it, but then you feel better due to the endorphins released in your body, and also the speeding up in your physiology during exercise - it works against the feelings of being down)

Another thing that works for some: getting your mind off things - watching your favorite movies. If you like comedies or humor - laughter works wonders (if that's something you feel up to. If not, that's ok).

What is making it worse, and "it" is getting far worse, is a number of things. The people who think it's just a breakup or just rejecting and that I should be able to dust off and carry on. Knowing what should help or has in the past-- like mediation-- but getting very little relief from it.

I'm trying everything. Exercise. Diversions. I'm sinking. I lost a bunch of work last week (not due to a lack of willingness on my part but due to an unscrupulous club owner) and the basics of life are falling away. I'm broke. I need work.

I haven't contacted her once since the final break in communications, but due to needing work and a couple of actual friends I can chat with, I can't leave facebook--- and she's circling the wagons against me, having unblocked her dummy account to monitor my posts (and for some reason, I can't block it), and yesterday, unblocking me from her real account apparently just so she could delete ONE sweet comment from February when things were of course, great. Worse, she's recruited fb friends far past her original core, neurotic, echo chamber support group. On top of that, she's unblocked or friended real-life friends who she knows to be truly horrible people, ex-friends, who wish no me no well at best and at worst, would take delight in sticking knives in me. Metaphorically speaking.

So. I'm getting worse. Nothing I've learned about BPD and the aftermath is helping. Yet, at least.

And even though I'm not in contact, she's clearly not done with me.

I was getting ok at not dwelling on HER and the past. Most of the time. But at this point, even facebook doesn't feel like a safe space for me yet I have to use it to both not be completely isolated and to try to find work opportunities, so I'm being exposed to what she's doing on fb and the cumulative picture is both not helping me and looks... . portentious. A gathering storm of... . something is coming for me. I know it sounds dramatic but I also have learned that is to be expected-- --and the vast majority of people will, of course, believe everything the beautiful damsel in distress tells them.

I wish I could move to a new city and make a new start, not because she's here, because the sole silver lining so far is that she didn't-- but to just live in the world and have real life friends and escape the madness online.

And yes, because she didn't come here, I'm no longer tethered to the place I live.

I suppose she's building a network of people who, in part, will reinforce her construct of me as "all bad." I fully expect a slander campaign to start any time.

I'm isolated, broke, broken, and sinking. I can't focus to complete any kind of task like writing or working on music. I never sleep more than four hours a night so I'm always exhausted.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I told him I couldn't afford the $10 co-pay and he said I should schedule anyway, bless him.

hi davidamnesia--

Of course you aren't able to just put away your feelings like putting a coat away in a closet--you fell in love. Even in the face of 30 odd years of being treated badly by my uBPDh i still feel love for him. It's not like a tap to be turned off. And it's a grieving to be done. there are so many things you had in your mind of where the 2 of you would be in years to come, things you would do, sitting together and laughing. It takes time to work through releasing those things you had firmly in your mind.

It sounds like you are doing many great things to keep moving forward (and yes, that's what it is in the separating stage, simply keep moving forward) and those are all valuable and will eventually start feeling like they're helping. Right now it's one foot in front of the other, and if that's the best you could do that day then at the end of that day tell yourself, "hey! i kept moving today. i did things i had scheduled to do today. i kept my goals." And be thankful for that and proud of yourself!

Your name caught my attention because i truly have a problem of amnesia with all the bad times with my husband, all the raging and belittling and name calling. They are barely there, like i can see the memory out of the corner of my eye, but 2 weeks later i couldn't have told you what the argument started about. There can be real trauma in this rodeo we've lived. Once i started working to become more clear on what was happening in the moment i started realizing how awful and exhausting and selfish his actions were. i already have fibromyalgia, a chronic pain and fatigue disorder, but i haven't been allowed to talk about it. Nobody can be as tired or achy as him.

The clarity will come, you will start realizing that your workout or your meditation seemed to do more than it did for you last week. This will happen slowly over time. My husband's actions took me to the passive-death thoughts too, that's the trauma speaking, the sense of hopelessness.

Perhaps keep a notebook and write yourself a note each day, or make a 1 to 10 designation of how hopeless <---> hopeful you feel. Of how you met your goals, of what you've done toward your work. Of how well you're sleeping. At the end of a month when you look back you can gain a clearer understanding of how you're progressing, because we can lose sight that we ARE progressing when we look in the short term.

And don't be afraid to grieve. It can help to find a way to express the things you are letting go of--print a picture or an email, tear it into pieces and name them as you watch them float away on a body of water. Name the dreams you had, the things you are grieving, and do something that is physically letting them go. these things can help us grieve, whether it's a good clean grief like i experienced with my sister who was the one person in my family who supported me, or a more complicated and dirty grief like i experienced when my uBPD/NPD mother died. Burn the notes, watch them disappear. Somehow it attaches us more to what's happening.

All the best to you--your therapist sounds like a great one who truly has your best in mind. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, this is one of those times when the stuff of life can take our feet out from under us.

with you in the journey,

df99

Thank you for your replies.

When I saw the therapist, because I'm not holding anything back with him-- I had to ask if thoughts about assembling my housemate's shotgun, but not going so far as to think about using it on myself, was suicidal ideation. The housemate was out of town but told me about the gun in his room in case anything shady happened around the house.

The therapist said "no, it's just an indication of how intolerable these feelings are and the desire to feel any other way but this, or even just get to no feelings at all." And of course a warning that if I moved on to "planning," to contact someone immediately.

I've never felt so out of control of my emotional state.

One of the worst things is feeling like you're paying this price all the more for having opened your heart to someone, been kind and loving and thoughtful.

Many of us totally get this thought of yours--it can feel like we're being punished for being good, and in a way we are. The pwBPD's deeply held faulty belief system lies to them and causes these issues.

If you can find ways to be "intentional" right now it will help. Make yourself a list of what you plan to do the next day, get up, do some breathing exercises, and start on your list. This can help you pull in your wildly swinging emotions and help you move through your day.

Your T sounds wise. "Intolerable" is a great word for what you've been through, and what I've been through. And when our emotions are trying to take us down we need to find ways to channel their energy into actions that will help us and not hurt us. Have you thought about trying the idea of writing out your broken dreams, and saying goodbye to them while they burn or float away? Connecting your emotions to an intentional act will help you grieve.

i wrote tons of poetry and journaling when my sister died. That's my way to deal with grief and life. What could be a way you could just get the feelings out until you've run them dry? Something you can do without judging yourself on the quality, something that just expresses your grief?

Remember, it's one small step at a time, that's all you need to do... .

We're here for you, don't forget that.