BPDFamily.com

My dh is gone for work two nights a week (Monday and Tuesday) and has been for the past several years. On those nights, I can't sleep, or rather I stay awake, afraid and hyper vigilant for as long as I can, waiting for something to happen (I'm not sure what…something bad). I think that something bad is bound to happen and I need to be awake and ready for it. If I'm asleep, then I'll be in big trouble. This has been going on for so long that I'm beginning to feel crazy. I know it sounds paranoid. I'm not this way when my dh is home, though. It reminds me of when I was a child and I stayed up as late as I could, too, concentrating on the nighttime sounds and waiting for the sound of my dad's very quiet footsteps to come towards my room or for my mom to barge in in the middle of the night and scream at me for something. On the nights now when I can't sleep, my heartbeat races and my breathing is fast and shallow and I feel pure panic. I have a young dd and, ever since she was born and my dh is away on those nights, I think that I have to protect her but I won't be able to if I'm asleep.

Can anyone relate? Or am I just crazy/paranoid? I'm not sure what I can do to make this stop.

What you're going through is actually to be expected and you are not crazy or paranoid.

I know how that feels, to be terrified at night because of past abuse. Sometimes I can't stand sleeping in the same bed with my husband because I'm afraid I'll wake up and it will be my mother.

What worked for me was doing kundalini yoga in my office before I go to bed. My office is kinda my safe place. Is there anyway you can ... . I dunno exorcise your bedroom? As in burn an image or symbol of your past in your bedroom? Or place something special for you in the bedroom, like a symbol of protection? I have a crystal from Germany and a statue of a fairy sleeping peacefully. I know it sounds new age-y put psychologically it works for me.* Maybe you can get a matching symbol for your daughter's room? Just to remind you that she is being watched over and protected.

Also seeing a therapist helped me tons. Also reaching out, like you are doing know is a good step. That's awesome! I have a friend who has the same PTSD diagnoses and we text each other. That's not very convenient for late at night but laughing with a friend during the day helps sometimes.

I could quote Roger Rabbit but I''ll spare you.

 I wish you the best of luck as you continue growing and healing. 

*Wish I could make it work in the daytime. Maybe I'll start doing morning yoga.

I had the same thing! Listening for sounds of windows opening, footsteps, etc.

What helped 99% is I got a barky dog! She has passed now, but I had a mini schnauzer. Absolutely nothing would get past those great ears of hers and she would bark her little head off!

Any terrier mix type dog is great. I have 3 dogs now.

Thanks StrangerinParadise. I'm sorry you have the same kind of fears. And I do understand not wanting to sleep with your husband because you're afraid of waking up and thinking it's your mother. I have the same problem when my dh is home - only I'm reminded of my dad. Ugh.

I really like the idea of taking back my space, making it safe. I'm going to think of something I can put there or burn there or something. When my dh is away for those 2 nights, I don't even sleep in my bedroom but I stay on the couch in the living room. I feel (irrationally, I know) that the bedroom is too far away and upstairs and I won't be able to stop something bad from happening from up there.

BreatheDeep, I do have a dog. And she's wonderful and a great comfort but, like your dogs, she barks at night if she hears something and when she does, I nearly jump out of my skin. It puts me on even higher alert, my panic reaching new levels of, well, panic.