BPDFamily.com

I accidentally found out something interesting today regarding my exBPDh.

I went to look at a property with a view to buying it as I want to move.  I asked the vendor why it was back on the market as I had thought a sale was going through.  To cut a long story short, the vendor told me that the buyer had let him down and explained why.  I immediately recognised from what he told me that the buyer had been my ex but gave no indication of this to the vendor.  All the blame was placed on me.  What really happened was that my ex delayed everything during the divorce, presumably to get at me.  What happened was that it backfired and stopped him buying the house after spending out on legal fees etc.

I admit that this made me smile.  Lots of people say there is no need for revenge and that those BPD exs eventually end up in a mess of their own making.  I can see now that this is true!
<br/>:)oes anyone else have victories like this?

 

I guess I could share tons of stories, but I really don't see the point.  I mean, it took me so long to come to the realization that my r/s with my diagnosed ex was froth with the drama because of the disorder and to detach (successfully) and to get to a point where I am emotionally stable, why would I want to even concern myself with what she does or if she is happy, or sad or making it or breaking it?

One of the goals in "leaving" is to understand the pain we went through, understand it, deal with it, and move on so that we can heal.

If it were me, I'd rather share stories of where I'm going since those "dark times" than still be attached to them even prose.

In the context of my BPD ex and karma, I would hope that her maladaptive coping skills and actions someday would be the catalyst for her to seek help for herself. I don't measure karma to right a wrong from her with me. The more that I learned about what truly drives BPD, how she is a person that is flailing against the world, due to her core trauma, I became more tolerant and accepting.

While in one context we should focus on the light and getting 'away' from them it can also be healthy to observe Karma at work as in the OP.

Why?

It very simply is a sign of emotional health in one respect because it DOES validate that there IS something wrong with the way they function and we are not crazy. Thats very helpful in coming out of the FOG. Same as anger is. When we are stoked to anger we are more likely to finally move and go into self preservation mode rather then allowing the abuse to continue.

That being said, I have seen Karma at work in so many ways with me exBPD. I honestly believe that when we allow Karma to do its thing, it will do its thing. But in the same token, as long as we are angry and seething or whatever, Karma will stand off the side and not move forward until we stop it. Karma will not interfere with our effert to get even and likewise Karma will not exact itself during that time.

That being said, theres no better Karma then allowing one to his, or her, own vices.


Be Well |iiii

On the flip side, Radical Acceptance, just let reality be.

You know, i wonder if there is such a thing as Karma at all, and say there is... . don't you think having a mental illness in this lifetime and all of the pain and suffering attached to it is just about enough to handle ?  I feel anger towards him at times but ultimately, I don't want him to suffer or have any more pain.  But its not my issue, and certainly not in my control any more, thought it was... . wrong..

and you know for something completely different.

let's say i believe in past lives... . maybe i did something really horrible to my ex and now we are working it out where i get to pay for what i did.

well, i can go all over the place with this and end up getting really existential about it all.

what I am really trying to do is just accept it here and now and be in my integrity, not easy at times.

We're talking about your karma, correct? That's the only karma you can be certain is working. Your karma, (and your interpretation of it) is the only karma that you will ever be certain of. No one else's.

Most westerners have an incorrect notion of karma as punishment. Karma is really about consequences. It is a law of cause and effect. In suffering the consequences, human beings can rise to a higher level of consciousness.

When we accept what it means to suffer from a cause- we radically accept the suffering (the effect) as a consequence that teaches us to let go of the cause. Hopefully those teachings involve "evolving" change.

If we do not abide by the teachings from the effects of the "cause," we do not change and we stay in the suffering or repeat the cause and suffer from the effect in a completely new way. This is the notion of samsara; fixating on a mistaken concept of self and experiences that arise out of our wrong beliefs (about reality) which are characterized by dukkha (failure, suffering, anxiety, dissatisfaction.)

Many people who involve themselves in fantasy relationships, whether long distance or married, etc. suffer the effects of a cause. Many people with BPD suffer the effects of a cause. It's all about their beliefs.

Now, having said that. The idea of karmic retribution is really missing the point unless you agree that karma visits everyone. It is a law of the universe, and it teaches us, dispensing inner wisdom when we understand we've brought many things upon ourselves. So rather than focusing on someone else's experience of karma, it's necessary to focus on your own, because the path is fraught with causes, and the effects they create cause beliefs which cause suffering.

It is in the belief that you'll find the cause of the suffering. That's what needs to be addressed right now. The belief may go back to your childhood, rather than this most recent relationship. Test your belief and you may see that it consists of wrong knowledge, about yourself, about others, it's the result of actions and reactions, cause and effect.

That was... . very very well stated!  |iiii

After finding my way to this site and reading up on personality disorders - the sharing of the members struck me as oddly familiar.  I couldn't ignore the data that a great many people I have never known ranging from all ages are telling the exact same story that was my day to day life with my diagnosed wife.  (well, we were and are separated).

And although I knew my wife had gotten a diagnosis (a few months before we split for good), the roller coaster ride we went on was almost word for word the same as most of the other members sharing their life.  So I couldn't ignore that what I was dealing with was the effects of a r/s with someone with a disorder.

But I couldn't just stop there.  I had to keep reading not only to understand why she acted the way she did - but why I would allow myself to stay in such a relationship and even want to be with her. Yes, it was mostly due to the fact I loved her... . but there was something more.

Looking backwards from there, I realized it was the same thing I did in my first marriage. My first marriage was horrible.  The woman turned out to be a real piece of work.  Not just in how she dealt with me, but even how she dealt with our children.  It was a really bad scene especially after we split.  But I had kept going back to her ... . and event today (well, last night) I reached out to her after my daughter called to let me know her BF just proposed and she accepted.  I couldn't help myself and I reached out to let her know.  I think I did it because I was still running interference for my child (her and her bio-mom don't get along at all).  And I took the brunt of her smugness (ex-wife, not daughter).

But that was just my digression and momentary lapse in giving a crap about her.

But back to where I was going.  Then I had to figure out what kept me in these messed up relationshps.  I mean, it was obvious there was something which drew me to them - and kept me in them. I'm not an unintelligent sort... . so what was it.

Took it all the way back to childhood and realized it was my original childhood trauma and, of course, my diagnosed mother and her antics as I was growing up.  I mean, I knew my mom was a little off - but to me, it was normal.  But in the end, it wasn't normal and all it did was "teach me" to stay and stick with crazy.

I mean, how do you leave your mother?  We all put up with her behavior, didn't like it - but never could leave.  Even as adults.

Heck, I didn't even know she had been diagnosed (over 30 years ago) until just a few short months ago.  I'm thinking that would have been nice to have know these past three decades.

So there it was.  This "thing" in me which kept me trying to "fix" my partner, my love mate, whatever, was me trying to fix the broken relationship with my mother.  A relationship I would never be able to fix... . mostly, because I didn't know how broken it was.

Now I was able to integrate that into my present day... . and it is a slow process - day by day - and I'm really only a couple of months into is.  So I still stumble from time to time.

But I finally have the peace I need.

No, I can't go back and change any of the past relationship problems.  No I can't mend whatever rupture there was with my first wife, or second.  There have been too many bad things which came between us which would make that utterly impossible.  And yes, given some emotional overwhelming stuff... . I can still get a little 'freaked out' and can be prone to anger outbursts. 

It took a lifetime for me to get here, it will take a minute or two for me to change the course into something new and exciting.

I don't look at what is going on with my ex anymore.  I don't have a secret under the hood wish that they suffer negative consequences for whatever they do.  I don't even want to say "I wish them well".  I mean I do - but, I would want well for anyone... . especially for those who want it.  But I'm just trying to live my life and focus on what is out there for me to do.  And in doing so, I'm just trying to be the best me possible, knowing that from time to time I may stumble and/or fall.