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I have allowed myself to be sucked back in.  I had stayed away for a couple of weeks.  I swore to myself that I wouldn't go back and I did.  It's an addiction plain and simple.  I have been reading the book Addiction to Love by Susan Peabody and it describes me to a T.  I am a love addict. I love being in love. I spent the biggest part of my day with her today and I really didn't want to.  I wanted her to go home.    It's the addiction.  The what if it comes back?  :)o I want it to come back.  I can tell she senses how I'm feeling.  It's like she has turned into this different person and is on her best behavior.  I don't trust her though.  It feels like manipulation. I don't know how to get out of it and stay out of it.  

Iv totally been there man... .

And I read that book w my last BPD really spoke to me.

Its a control thing to... . Unconscously of course... .

If she is there u have her... When she is gone who knows what.

So we go against our better judgement just to ascertain

Some false sense of security there.

Its a comfort thing. Youre feelung trapped and distraught I can

Tell through your words... It almost seems like you feel defeated...

Like you have no power over it.

But you do! Its hella hard but you do.

Nc. Anything else will trigger.

Dont looj at social media... Dont text... Dont call...

Remind yourself of harsh truths about her.

Remember this is the hearts and rainbows stage...

This is a very temporary mask she is wearing.

Youre right presuming she is manipulating.

Your instincts are spot on. Listen to them.

the withdrawl us scary and hard... I know...

But we have got to detox from that drug... .

Its toxic!

Without the purge of toxins and that difficult but necessary.withdrawl

Stage we ll just keep using again and again.

No different from heroin. But youre in this place where you know

Its wrong... You know it isnt working...

Or you wouldnt be inquiring about it.

Youre coming "out of the fog" as they say.

That is progress towards being free of her.

Youre almost there keep digging... .

I keep reminding nyself how he treated me... Among other things

Hurts like hell but the cold hard truth will set you free.

Get out of the fantasy. Shes not going to change. Not now. Not ever.

Its impossible to change your life if you keep on doing the same old things over and over again. I can't remember who the quote was from, but it helped me when I felt  stuck in my BPDex's world. 

And you're subconscious is screaming that don't really want to be around them because you know what is coming, but you can't let go because you are stuck in the cycle. 

It also helped me to repeat this phrase "I'm finished with this abusive behavior".  repeat repeat repeat... .

Hurtbeyonrepair & letmeout

Thank you for your words of encouragement. HBR you are right, I don't want to be there with her. I was doing so well until I gave in to her pleas. I felt defeated. Powerless. Ashamed. Addicted to the drama. All of those feelings came rushing back when I spent time with her.

Letmeout, I will keep repeating those sentences to myself. "It is impossible to change your life if you keep doing the same things."  Is so true. You're right, she is never going to change and I know this is temporary. The mask will slip. And that's what makes me mad at myself for engaging with her. I know these things in my head but the addiction keeps me in the loop believing that she's the only one who can make me feel good. But it's only temporary.

Maybe you looking for your golf ball on the wrong fareway  *)

You weren't recycled.  You recycle.

What are some of the reasons we get caught up in cycles?

• We are afraid to be alone  

• We have our own abandonment issues  

• We fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again  

• We fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)  

This is the questions we need to answer.  Being a "love addict" is a symptom. But what is the cause?

Why are you returning to this person?  They feel safe?  From what?

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PERSPECTIVES: Relationship recycling [romantic partners]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

Skip,

I returned because it felt familiar to me and I have a hard time being alone. As a kid, I felt powerless to change the abuse I faced as a child. And now I'm living it all over again with her.

I'm actually glad I met my pwBPD. My unresolved FOO issues was what lead me to a borderline woman. My emotional issues were there long before I met her. I recognized that there was a pattern of unstable / unhealthy relationships because of my childhood, my journey led me to my ex. She was a wake-up call. She doesn't hold the key to my happiness, I do. I have the power to break my cycle of unhealthy patterns. Radical acceptance helped me with my trauma from my past, and begin my healing.

We fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again .

We fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.) .

I think this is largely what is keeping me enmeshed. Although I still love my exbpgf.

My problem with letting go also includes the time I have invested in this relationship. We haven't been together for a lot of years but I have invested so much of myself into it that it's hard to walk away. I'm also not young anymore. And it's so hard to just let go and trust that I'm going to find someone who will compare with the good times that we have had. I would like to know how to convince myself to just walk away. How to let go for good?

I am also mad at myself. So mad. I was out of the relationship. I felt stronger more confident. I had blocked all communication with her and she shows up at my job. Dressed to kill. I listened to her instead of my self. And I chose to go back into the abyss. I chose it. I could have said no but I didn't. I thought about the time we had spent together. I thought about the good times we had. And I stepped back in to the lows again. I chose it.

Frustration and anger are good, use it, but don't lose yourself.

I got "recycled" last night. I am proud of you that you lasted weeks. Mine was only 4 1/2 days. But I have been married a long time to uBPDh. I feel the same feelings: shame (for not being stronger, mainly for my kids), sadness (I don't want him here), pity (that is the emotion that made me take him back) He immediatley back to his old tricks like nothing ever happened and I hate myself for giving in. Bu this time is different for me too. I really feel like this is it, I am done. Even though he is back, I know it is only temporrary and I am heading towards real change. And there is no more hope that things will change, no more illusions that I can just "enjoy" his good moods and forgive the bad. I KNOW I am done. When I look at him, and study what he says, I see him for what he is, not for what I wished he would be. I also know that this will not last, and I pray, I pray so hard, I will have the strength to ask him to leave and keep him out next time.

Keep reading books, staying strong, and not reacting to her manipulations. try to anticipate what she is going to do next (we partners get very good at this once we get out of the denial)

Good luck to you!

well my exBPD called me after i broke up with her (next morning !) and she requested that should meet me in her place as she would not feel free to talk openly in a public place  lol i went to her place and of course logic was not on her side. she seduced me. we ended up having sex. at that moment i was sure that there is something wrong with her and that she does not love me. keeping it short, she recycled with me once and then she discarded me in a flick of an eye and traveled to another country. pretty harsh but this is how BPDs are