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So my ex and I have been talking. It's been a month since our 4.5 year sudden end to our relationship where she broke me into a million pieces, walked away and discarded me, then feverishly trying to find another RS, none which have worked out to well it seems.

Today I asked her if she ever thinks of me, how can we be soul mates for nearly 5 years and then nothing etc.

She texted back, she doesn't think about or miss me, and then followed up by telling me about how she thinks she got caught by a speed camera.

I phone her up, obviously ___ing hurt, but I remain calm and ask her how she is, and enquire about the speeding.

She talks about herself for some time, I try to bring up myself a few times in the conversation but that quickly switches back to her. I suspect she is willing to talk to me now because her LTR/REBOUND with this overseas guy she met online is either fizzing out or at a down point, or he's just not giving her the attention she demands.

I notice she is still flippant, and her demeanor is aggressive even though she says she is calm, I.E. Queen mode which she has been like since a few days after she went awol. She sounds like a child in some respects, loud, and lairy.

Anyway, We talked for 15 minutes and then continued texting for a while. I asked her how can she not feel anything or miss me and she starts going off about everything she does from the moment she wakes up till later and how she's too busy, she doesn't think about anyone, not just me. (Yeah right I think, probably lieing to herself because she has frightened every love interest she has tried to latch onto since we split, (that's 3, and they were all within a week, while this overseas guy has continued/struggled on).

She told me she wasn't going to America, either she's lieing or things have dulled with this guy, but who cares, she'll find someone/anyone, as her need to replace me, and fill her void is too great.

I bought some new summer clothes today and sent her a picture of me in them, and asked her if it suited me. Yep, I did that to try to invoke some feelings in her, obviously, but I masterfully included it in the conversation to just be a casual thing. She may have suspected my true motives but I doubt it.

She sais "Looks fine" and we converse a few more texts. Then she sais "whatsapp doesn't work 4 me atm. Kik has issues too. Got 6/8 hr delays n ___" Yeah, she's been talking like a proper moron/chav since she went back to her enablers (parents). Now this text seemed odd to me, seeing as she had already verified she looked at the picture, and I can see on whatsapp that she had too.

Her final text was, "Anyway im off now, phones going away.(not quite sure what this meant). You're already giving me a headache

Now, I think there are a number of ways to interpret this.

1. Talking to me and seeing me in new clothes (and slimmer and more fit) has perhaps stirred up some emotions, due to object constancy I think images help (as when we split up, she removed all trace of me from facebook, bar 1 or 2 pictures, maybe she just missed them). Perhaps due to being emotionally stunted, she construes emotions of regret or any negative emotion as a headache. Or a headache is just an excuse.

2. My replacement has contacted her.

3. She's busy and being in Queen mode, is a complete b___ and that's how she fobs people off.

4. She thinks I'm trying to get close to her by sending image, and because of the way i fit it in the conversation, she couldn't go flipping mad and/or go silent on me.

5. She only was willing to talk in the first place to waffle on about her own problems, and when she had finished, there was no use continuing with me, and this 'headache' was an emotional threat of cutting me of.

6. She's just a crazy f**king C**t and nothing makes sense.

Any input, ideas or introspection on this would be greatly appreciated.

I have to admit, just talking to her has cheered me up. But I know that will be have a backlash 10fold tomorrow, or the next day, when she doesn't.

a few more things, I cannot even remember now if this is what her attitude was like when she was with me, and one of the reasons I couldn't stand to be around her at times. Am I candy coating everything in memory and why I want her back so much, I really do think she is another person now though so maybe not.

She also talked about getting her degree (she has two years left) and doing a masters in America. Obviously I think, she's lieing about the American guy, but then she lists the state she wants to go to and that is nowhere near him, and it was one of the things we discussed and looked into, moving to America. Actually it was my dream the f**king b___ stole. She hates the sun (Vampire), and now plans to go to a sunny state.

Her reasons are because there is nothing left for her here. Which I tend to agree with, she has nothing and is sleeping at her Mums on her little brothers bed. She has no career prospects until she gets her degree (if she finishes it I will be amazed).

She then hints about me joining her in America, the comment came so quick I can't remember it verbatim. It was something like, "we should do it" or "we can do it together" or something.

I think this is clear "backup" manuerving and she is now keeping me 'in'. As opposed to keeping me completely "out" over the weekend and going completely silent. Which led me to send a spurious amount of texts and emails, some of them insulting and some of them explicitly explaining her behaviours in line with BPD.

Another thing she mentioned on the phone was a flat out confession of having BPD, as opposed to last weeks complete defiance of it.

She has come off medication now, I don't know what that means.

She is still rather cold to me, in general, though, and it is I who initiates contact, but she seems happy to play for at least a short chat, the last two days.

By the way kik is one of the ways she communicates with this overseas guy, so I suspect, they are at least still somewhat talking. He has nearly pulled out, at least 4 times that I know of, due to her behaviour, so perhaps he is distancing himself again, she keeps putting her claws into him though.

I don't know if I can interpret anything -- all I can offer is that I spent an enormous (and ultimately futile) amount of time trying to figure out why and how my ex-girlfriend did things.   Thus, unfortunately, for a long time, I was:

1. Stuck

2. Enmeshed

3. Yo-yo'ing between hope and fear

4. Stuck

5. Stuck

6. Stuck

You get my point.  I know this is terribly painful, and each of us has to decide for ourselves how to process the relationship.

Introspection by definition is related to ourselves.   How do we feel?  What do we value?  How do we self-regulate?  How do we individuate?  Those are the only questions we can answer.

I offer only as an alternative perspective, not as advice.  I'm just saying that I was stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck until I stopped trying to decipher someone else.

Keep posting.  We are all looking for resolution, and the discussions help us all.

I just remembered one of the things she said to me in the first week of our breakup. I was asking how she doesn't love me anymore when she asked me to marry her but a few weeks before, and was still hanging onto my, seemingly madly in love right up to the walk out. I said to her we made love only a few days ago.

She was in already in Queen mode by this point and seemed to set out to hurt me in anyway possible.

Her response:

You manipulated me to do it.

I was flabbergasted.

It has taken me a month to realise this was total bull___.

She bought the condoms before that event, she had a bath and got undressed and she was a fully willing participant.

I can't believe I bought that ___ for so long.

And that was just one, of many insults and threats and accusations that have been handed to me since the breakup.

I am to blame for everything it seems. I am the bad guy. When in fact, most of the accusations were directly her fault, yet do I dare argue against her? There is no point, because I am walking on f**king eggshells, to her emotional, chillingly cruel abuse.

When I consider that she has been manipulating not just me, not just her family but everyone. And she accuses me of bullying her into sex, after the fact. While I'm going through hell trying to salvage the love of my life.

I can see how toxic she really is.

I am still clearly enmeshed and still very stuck. But I feel that I cannot get past this point in my healing for a while. I think it's a natural progression and letting go, like really letting go, will be the defining moment, a ureka moment, and the day I stop caring.

Until then I'm not going to lie to myself, my heart wants her back, and if the opportunity is there, I will take it.

This may be unhealthy, but it also may be the only way I can deal with this, it may be my only route.

Day by day, the feelings dim, just a tiny bit, and one day, they switch off, and then I will free. I can't change the speed of that switch, and I wont force it.

I offer this as an alternative perspective:

I agree we should start where we are, and stay there as needed.  That said, I have found "letting go" means accepting that I still care, and that this relationship will always be part of me.  I can hold love for her, inside of me, and not need it validated, accepted, or known to her.  In this way, I don't have to repress or express.  I can simply hold inside of me as a part of myself.



I concur.  We are engaged in a process of detachment.  Again, as an alternative perspective only, I offer a different metaphor:

There is no switch.  Instead, there is a perspective that can shift.   For a long time, I had a telescope that looked for answers outside of me.  My feelings waxed and waned depending on what I perceived on the outside.   

Then, over time, I stopped looking through the telescope.  I started looking in the mirror.  I started thinking about who I am, and what I can do, and how I can do it.   As my focus shifted, my thinking shifted, which altered my feelings, which altered my thinking, which altered my feelings, et cetera, et cetera.

We're here for you.  It helps us all to probe these questions together.

There is a point number 7: she doesn't think about you and she's not interested.

She did state this in her first response.

Sometimes we over analyse everything they say and do, and we don't listen enough to the very words coming from their mouth. We think things have hidden meanings, we scratch below the surface to see what they " may" be saying instead of really listening to what they are saying.

A couple thoughts:

I would agree with Letting Go that attempting to uncover her motives is likely to be unproductive and almost certain to be maddening.  She may very well not understand her own motives, and in any case it is unlikely that she is asking herself about them.  I would also agree that "Eureka" moments are unlikely to occur, and what's probably more typical is a gradual oscillation between good days and bad days while our perspectives gradually shift, until ultimately we can feel detachment. 

You may be correct that you will be recycled on the road to "dealing with this."  I would ask yourself about your own motivations though in doing so.  For example, why would you start a sentence with "This may be unhealthy but" and then say you will do it?  What would drive something that is more or less consciously self-destructive?  That's not a criticism: we have ALL been in this spot and have had to figure it out for ourselves. These r/s, in all their chaos and insanity, are opportunities to learn about ourselves.

Finally, while I would agree with Narellan that you should listen to her when she says she's not interested in you, I would add this: as ridiculous as this sounds, you should not take this personally.  I say this because, although she may not be interested in you, she doesn't really even know who YOU are, or who anyone is, because she doesn't have a concept of self that allows for understanding or even conceiving of a whole person outside herself.  It is most likely the case that she views relationships (consciously or subconsciously) through the lens of what she extracts from them, which of her needs they meet.  Saying "I'm not interested in you" means "you are no longer fulfilling the needs I need met."  This is a sad and difficult thing to accept, but it is also liberating.  Because it really isn't about you, it's about her.  And you can only control yourself. 

Just one more thought: while I haven't had a "Eureka" moment myself, I have had a number of sort of small epiphanies that have been gradually growing in size, and a number of those have been due to the thought shared in this community. Keep posting here. People may say things at times that seem hostile or make you feel defensive, but they aren't and you don't need to. Everyone here is supportive

This is a great point, BacknthSaddle.   Multiple perspectives have helped me muddle through, and adjust my perspective as I go.   We definitely help each other as we add bits and pieces of our experience. 

That is liberating, I don't what happened but I nearly cried reading that.

That would explain why she seems to be a different person now. She is probably the same person she has been along, but to others, without the idealising and projection, this is who she is without seeking love. A selfish, unempathetic, callous 3 year old who has no idea about how to interact with others.

It also explains why she has no friends.

On an emotional level though, it just feels like she has tripped into another person, like scitzophrenia and has forgotten me, forgotten the level of emotion attachment I thought we had and just needs a shunt out of it, to actually spend some time with me to remember again.

Again I initiated contact, I said "goodnight, sigh x" as if to try to communicate to her on some level that I feel frustrated with her, and deeply sad, she replied with goodnight sleep well, obviously a rather formal, obligated response, but at least she is bothering now, that is all I'll get out of her I suspect, probably just to abate her own feelings of guilt now, all the meanwhile she is probably feeding from the other sucker, whoever he may be.

My first experience of love, is beginning to become a curse, I still have a constant cold or hot fuzzy feeling around my heart, like literally, I can literally feel this feeling, it is there constantly, and hurts, it hurts because she is not here, and she may never be, and I can't figure out for the life of me why, despite reading about BPD, on these forums, and despite getting as much information as I can squeeze out of her, my heart doesn't get it, and really, although it makes sense from a psychological perspective, my brain doesn't quite get it either.

I hate her,

I love her,

I f**king hate her,

I f**king love her,

Perhaps I am more BPD than her now.

Why do I want this?

How do I get her back?

I just obsess and ruminate and die slowly inside. I just want it to stop.

Number 7 is clearly what is going, this is the nature of BPD, I was trying to find the meaning of her behaviour when she she's my picture.

I wasn't badgering her to speak. She initiated the text messaging, and continued it, my response was actually "Ive barely said anything, but whatever. Enjoy your evening =) ttfn"

And left it at that.

Again, most of the texting was about her.

I guess the answer probably is that she's fine with talking to me, as long as it all about her. She might as well be talking to brick wall in an emotional context. Because, like relationships, anyone will do, as long as it fills her needs.

Although that sentiment does fly in the face of the person I know, she was for a long time caring, and not self centred. Although she was emotionally abusive.

Still, she is definitely a different person now, and I certainly don't like this person. I guess it all comes down to me, she definitely isn't worth this pain I'm going through, I just feel largely powerless to change it.

And she's just texted me she's done with the American guy.

Joy, more renewed hope, it'll probably be back on tommorrow.

Why would she tell me this? I was tired now I'm anxious as hell.

Blueman... . I agree with EVERYTHING LETTINGo is saying!

I did the things you are doing(my pwBPD ran off with a guy she was creating on me with. VERY abrupt. We had lived together 5 years).

I was able to break off contact very quickly because the coldness and emotional abuse I was receiving was not livable for me.  I still hoped for a LONG time that she might realize that we were good together... . but that never happened.  It was EXCRUSIATINGLY painful to go NC. I came very close to committing suicide. Got into therapy, group therapy and an an addiction self help group because I was in so much pain all I wanted to do was medicate.

She would do drive byes and stuff just to f¥Ck with me... . but I did not play the pathetic dog taking the scraps she threw once in a while.   IT WAS NOT EASY, but I slowly moved forward.

I loved me. Ten yrs. later she tried to ambush me in a supermarket parking lot and I just did NOT interact with her because of the way she had treated me, our relationship and our home, I could not talk to her and still love me. NO WAY.  I hope she is ok... . but I will NEVER have a conversation with her again while I am alive on this planet. She was that mean to me.  I know she is sick, but I am not a doctor! LOL!

I would wish for a drive by right now. And yes, I have stood on the cliffs near my home and I have thought about it. I have been suicidal, I have never been this low in my life, nowhere near it.

I guess the new guy being ditched it reasoning for this contact I've been getting. I doubt it means anything to her, just attention she is needing. It will be back on with him, or she will find someone else, clearly. She won't come back to this mess, not at least for a very long time. By then I won't want her.

I just don't feel ready to go no contact, in a way I wish she would sleep with someone, she is trying hard not to because she is ashamed of her past behaviour, when she was younger she would bounced around, after a breakup, for months or years, trying to find what she is looking for. Now she is refusing to drink, at least she has learnt that but I doubt it will last for long, her self control is limited and her parents are enablers.

She has absolutely no respect for me whatsoever.

One of the things I struggle with the most is remembering that I am not in love with my ex, I am in love with the person I wish she was. I keep forgetting that she is a liar, a cheater, and a thief. Sometimes all I can remember is how I felt during idealization, and I long to feel that way again. But as it says in Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm), idealization is a drug.

I want to be in a r/s with someone who is honest, open, and respectful. My ex in not capable of those things.

What do you want in a r/s? Do you believe your ex can give you those things?

She does not even know what that is.

She just hasher needs.  There is no figuring that brain out. You sound normal. Drop any and all expectations.  I so feel for you.

When mine tried to ambush me ten years after  .I just put my head down, sped up my pace and got by her.I looked over my shoulder and she did the big sigh, slumped her shoulders and did the whole VICTIM thing.  She ain't no victim... she is a man eater. Not again to this man! Nothing had changed... still dishonest, manipulative and immature. Very sick... . She is real cute and manipulative when she is needy. Tons of guys will fall for that.  Not me any more... . I got in my car as fast as I could and got out of Dodge.

I know you hurt horrible, but please TRY to love you!

I don't, no. And that is why I withdrew from her, eventually triggering this breakup.

Not until she is willing to get help, and that may be never.

The drug is hard to let go, when it lifted me so high. I guess in a way she gave me something, something I was missing, that I should see a therapist about, and now she's taken it away, and replaced it with hurt and damage. I crave for my fix.

She did this 2 years ago, and I managed to get her back then, but I always remember the same night I got her back, when I had my fix, I remember thinking, I'm not sure this was the right decision.

It's hard.

I am trying believe me, I am putting a real effort into fixing my life now she has gone. It will take years I suspect. It's still early days and I have made some improvement. I just have days of extreme weakness now and then.

I am so sad you are all going through this as well. It's hard when you hit rockbottom and the realisation that it really is over. Feeling so devastated and having thoughts of suicide is part of the grieving process. I was there a few weeks back, and I'm so glad to be alive now. I am very up and down and that's all part of it too. I wake up crying almost every day, it's as if my body is saying you need to let these tears and pain out, but I control it most of the day. I have to for my work and my kids. Then sometimes the grief just comes out of nowhere.

But I do feel happy sometimes, and I'm excited to be going for my first T appointment in an hour. I can't wait to get this out.

It's so important to feel and acknowledge your pain. Lots of days I give in to it and just stay in bed crying. I will not do that in time. I am doing everything I can to get over this person and get my soul back.

Take care xx we are all here for you.

We are definitely all here for you. 

A thought experiment related to her not having a concept of success.  You mentioned that she was at a child's level of emotional development.  Think about a 5-year-old child, in the process of expanding his young vocabulary, who tries to learn the word "respect."  He hears adults use the words, so he know it exists.  He hears the contexts in which they use it, and eventually he figures out the right and wrong times to use in in conversation.  This 5-year-old now knows there is a word and a concept "respect" and can use the word respect in a way that on the surface sounds appropriate.  But there is NO WAY that this child has the emotional understanding to comprehend what adults mean when they use the word in the complex, nuanced way in which they use it.  Understanding "respect" requires a complete sense of self, sense of others as selves, and just a whole lot of emotional growth and development. 

Your ex knows the word "respect" and can probably use it in a way that makes it sounds like she know what it means.  So that might lead you to believe that she understands it.  But she doesn't, because she can't, because she has a child's emotional development.  She knows the word but doesn't get the concept.  And as long as that's the case, she won't really have "respect" for anyone.  So again, it's not about you, and it's not personal.  It's about her. 

Well, she is definitely single now. And probably scanning the internet for another person. I'm not an option clearly.

blueman 4.5 years is a long time so everything you are feeling--wanting her back, being confused, hating her--all of this is normal especially since you are so soon out of the breakup. these feelings and emotions will just be. and i think instead of trying to fight them it's best to try and work either with them, or around them.

one of the first realizations i had after the breakup was that the things that would make me more attractive to my ex would also be a positive influence in my life. ok, so she jumped into bed with another guy in no time flat and claimed she never loved me (among other things). now, i wasn't going to do that, because i have what are called 'real feelings'. at the same time though, my own protective self didn't allow me to show her how i felt. or how i suffered. sure i said a few things here and there while we still lived together but if this was how she dealt with ending a r/s then she wasn't going to get pleasure out of seeing me squirm. eff her << it's not that i didn't feel the same way you do because i did--but it's important for your own bruised ego to stop showing her and telling her about your pain. she really doesn't care about your pain or anyone else's. it's unfortunate but true.

i think a good exercise is to visualize who you will be a few years from now. and imagine being blueman in 2017 and looking back on yourself right now in this moment. how would your future self want your present self to act. the future self that has been in other r/s with better women... . the future self that has gone through the phases of hate/infatuation/acceptance. how would that guy want you to act right now?

do not at all feel bad about feeling how you do. you want her back even though you know it's unhealthy. at least you're able to admit it to yourself and to us--that's the first step. you are making progress even though in the storm you may not see this. so, we'll accept this messed up reality as something we have to deal with for now. but how you act and play out this part of your life--behave in ways that your future self would be proud of. try your best in this regard. fantasize on your own all you want and come to us and tell all. but don't do it with her. you know she'll just use and abuse this vulnerability. make your future self proud 

I love Goldylamont's positive visualization of the future exercise. That can be a very helpful positive endeavor, perhaps if treated like a meditation at regular intervals throughout you day. Something that can help calm and direct you forward.

Blueman, I identify with ALL of your feelings. Love (your heart wrapped around the idealization phase), hate (the absolute inability to comprehend the abrupt change(s) in her current behavior). You think you are going crazy, but that is exactly what I experienced, too.

Coming here a talking very honestly about your feelings is a very positive thing to do as well.

There is some tough love here and I know I needed to hear that when I was detaching... sometimes I embraced it and sometimes I just got angry, knowing its was the present truth.  The roller coaster ride is all part of the process... . giant highs and lows... .

It has to do with "our" make up. Try to work toward evening out you feelings and to get them more like a lasagna ripple instead of the roller coaster... . get lots of support in any "positive" way you can to occupy your mind with new thoughts... . and keep talking about it. We all do understand.

I do use that, I think about myself in two years, I just hope I can keep up the pace. I made lots of changes to my life. I am getting fit, doing weights, going swimming, fixing my health. And much more.

Seeing as she is single I texted her 3 long texts about how I feel, and asking her to think about getting back together.

I know I was weak but no doubt she will be onto someone else soon, if not already.

No response back yet.

Probably won't get one either.

Hope is a terrible thing.

Hope is a wonderful thing... . Expectations are not.    So the saying goes, 'expectiation is the root of all heartache'... . you cannot negotiate,  beg,  or barter for her to respect you and feel the way you want.   That is why you have deemed her BPD.   If she clinically falls into a textbook of this,  then you already know how the story goes,  read post after post after post after post.    Your job is take back control of yourself.    Keep working out,  keep reading,  and remember,  its not a game... . Some relationships are a game,  but this one is not,  she is emotionally numb,  and these people have less and less respect the more admirable we attempt to be.    Its really the truth.   They want someone new,  they don't want us,  they already had us.   They want US to soothe them,  but like I experienced,  as soon as you don't play dumb and play along with their script,  and you say you miss them,  and hope for a heartfelt connection,  End of the communication... .   Work on yourself,  find that clarity you need,  and even if slips away,   just remember it,  because that clarity of who you are as a person, and who they are,  is truth.       And also remember... . 'anticipation is disappointment in progress'... . sad to say,  but a watched pot never boils.   Work through this with dignity for yourself.   And don't have regrets for caring for someone so deeply,  but learn something about yourself in the process.    Keep us posted,  its a process... .   a LONG process for many.   But it gets better.   The re-engagements in between rebounds will set you back to ground zero,  make note. 

Blueman54321... . I am sorry you are suffering.   Many of us have been in your shoes, waiting for a sign that we are okay, that we are validated.  Thank you for posting your pain -- it is accepted here, and understood.

I sat in darkness for a long time, waiting for hope to arrive in the form of validation from my ex-girlfriend.  I sat & sat & sat because I felt powerless.

Ultimately, with the help of this community, I slowly found the joy of abandoning hope.   I am returning to myself.   I am learning to be okay with groundlessness.  

We're here for you.

As a footnote, there's a passage from a book by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist teacher, that I like:

"As long as we’re addicted to hope, we feel that we can tone our experience down or liven it up or change it somehow, and we continue to suffer a lot. Abandoning hope is an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning. You could even put “Abandon Hope” on your refrigerator door instead of more conventional aspirations like “Everyday in everyway, I’m getting better and better.” We hold onto hope and it robs us of the present moment. If hope and fear are two different sides of the same coin, so are hopelessness and confidence. If we’re willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation."

 I caught this term on these boards,  and it is a valid state of thought... . it's called  malignant hope.    Know the difference,  and keep re-directing the sails forward.  Look into the sunrise,  not back at the sunset.

|iiii

This is so true! He was a pro at turning everything I said into something that offended him... I would turn obvious rejection into something positive... . it  hurt less to do this and one of the hardest thing to stop doing

Her response:

"Not going to happen, don't make me ignore you again please."

Just, dumbfounding.

I have just woken up at 4 in the morning and read that. It is sickening really, no emotion, no thought, just a threat.

I wrote a reply back and send it. Really, just looking for understanding, but I doubt she knows and will probably really with some bulls**t.


":)on't keep threatening to ignore me, that's unfair.

Why would you ignore me after this I'm just asking you to think.

I still don't understand how you can dump me emotionally from everything to nothing *name*, and not want to see me anymore. I am incredibly hurt. i need help from you to talk about that. I don't get it. Have you done this before?

How about you explain why you are so resolute that their is no future for us, when we spent 4 years together when you thought there was a brilliant future for us? And just one 1 month later you are so resolute. I would appreciate that.

Also, can you tell me how you don't ever want to see me again? Yes I am still in love with you *name*, but even if I wasn't you would still be my best friend and soul mate and I would want to see you. I would want to talk to you on Facebook and MSN text, I would like to hear from you, whereas you seem to treat me like a stranger now, I don't get it, can you please explain this because it is very very saddening. This hurts more than anything.

I don't understand how you don't think of me at all when we were lovers for so long and the wounds are still fresh?

Also, I don't understand how you can move on so quick without remorse or grief. When two people in love end a long relationship, they were will mourn, grieve, hurt, hide for a long time, and generally do not want to get involved with anyone until they are absolutely ready to give themselves to someone else. They quite often are still in love with each other too and will get back together if the relationship failed from external factors, like ours did. I don't understand how you have gone on so quick. You know I think that I triggered you and I'm black in your mind now, hence being blocked on everything. But even so, you attempted to move on quickly. Please explain this in detail.

If it's a case of GIGS, the grass is greener, I don't think that's fair as we could fix everything easy, and I made a lot of sacrifices for you that you should appreciate. I love you to bits.

And if you just feel there is too much damage done now or you're too stubborn to go back on what you have said. That is rubbish. There is no long term damage done and in the persuit of love nothing can get in the way of that.

Please help me understand this dramatic turn around, you wanted to spend your life with me *name*, not very long ago, please help me understand.

Think about these questions, don't just give me spin. I want it from the heart."

and 2nd email quickly sent after

"And you also thought about making a mistake. But refuse to meet me, isn't this a little stubborn?

What is so bad about meeting me?

And conversely, you fell in love with me for a long time before, what is so bad about me now?

Yes I made mistakes, we both did, but underneath I am still the same person who you fell in love with, and the same for you, just with a lot more knowledge now and great insight into where I went wrong.

Please help me with all these questions, from the last email specifically. I don't really understand who you are right now, but try and remember sitting with me, me in my ghostbusters, you in your doggies and kissing and talking and hugging and then just write down answers for these questions, respectfully. My mind is confused and my heart is completely messed up."

Not the greatest of emails but I'm pretty tired.

Just can't believe the switch off that BPDs do. I want her to try to be introspective, but I never seen her be introspective before so I know it's probably not gonna happen, I don't think she's capable of it. And I'll probably get some s**t thrown my way.

I'm thinking of driving the 2 hours down there, but living with her enablers, who she has demonised me to, I doubt she'll even show her face.

Regardless, my goal is to try to organise her to meet me on friendship grounds to just talk on Sunday, hopefully I can get her to do this. Going to be a struggle when she doesn't have barely any time for me anymore, and when she does it's mainly talking about her.

Impending sense of doom and failure. I just don't have the energy for this anymore.

Not to mention she'll probably be in another relationship by then, with anyone. heh.

Nope, she's back on with the overseas guy.

Blueman, I understand your suffering.  I felt so frustrated.  So exasperated and depressed. Men want, by force of their own free will will to fix things. I tried to force my will on the situation with all the power I had in me (without being an ass or part of the problem... i.e. No Drama)  I wanted to fix it with every cell in my being. With all the live that I had in me.  Sometimes it is just the will of the universe (or God if you believe), that something just cannot be. There is no "understanding" it.  Trying to be rational with an a totally irrational human being is like trying to build an ice castle on a beach on the equator. Futile.

I did not want to here these words, but "as long as you try to pursue this you will suffer".

Please try to surround yourself with people who support you.

Sometimes you have to surrender to win.

This is exactly what I tell myself when I think back to the good times. I tell myself that my ex was a "liar, cheater, and a thief." There's a reason why all of our mutual friends and even HER family have supported me during these tough times.

blueman, I promise you that soon you will contact her less and less and you finally free yourself from her grip. I advise you to work on getting to that stage. Find your support through friends and family and surround yourself with positive people.