BPDFamily.com

So we all know Facebook is sort of the devil.  I’ve been good about ignoring my ex-BPD wifes social media actions since we’ve been split, but once in awhile she shows up in my feed because I do not want to lose some of our mutual friends.  We are not Facebook friends anymore, so when she appears it sets me back a little.

So anyways, I saw her in my feed last night…

First she is engaged to her new guy after a year of dating.  Second, she has gained at least 40 lbs in the last 6 months since I’ve seen her.   Based on my experience with her, weight gain = pure misery.  She is back to the weight she had when were separated, with drastic weight loss occurring when she was seducing me five year ago, and my replacement last year. 

Another thing, she gained this weight AFTER she had seen me with my new girlfriend.   Part of me knows I had nothing to do with it, but the other part knows that she compares herself to other girls all the time.   My new girlfriend is a STUNNER.

Has anyone else dealt with drastic physical changes with their ex-BPD partner?  I can’t say I’m not surprised by her weight gain…but it’s sad to see her so big.

Mine lost weight on both occasions. First time because she was  depressed when I left her without warning (even though I told her that I would be leaving her and why).

Second time was after the brutal discard when she wanted to look good for the replacement she had lined up and to show the world how much better off she was without me.

When heavy, was she miserable?

Mine continually got fatter as we dated, kinda sad because she was cute and almost one of those androgynous girls, skinny and fit. I was the heavier one, and she gained weight through my awesome cooking, but she also ate like a horse that hadnt seen food in a week, she would annihilate a plate of food before I was halfway done. It was a huge turn off. Now, post break up, I lost about 15-20lbs and mutual friends say she hasnt dropped any, and gained some if anything. 

Weight gain.  Gee,  I am the one doing all the emotional eating and have gained 25 pounds since he is gone.   I wonder if my BPDexbf will get a stunner. 

Who cares if they gained weight.  That sounds like something I could hear my ex says.   "Yeah, and she got fat too?"  Somehow I feel worse.

Oh weill.  Glad you got a "stunner," but obviously not enought if you are still on here talking about your wounds from the fat girl.     This probably sounds  really mean, and I guess I am lashing out at all men.  We all know how verbally abusive these people are and I guess reading this post about gaining weight just made me feel worse   And he called me this morning after two weeks no contact at 4:00 a.m.   He sounded really together until he again pointed out everything wrong with me.   I don't know I am sure I will get slammed with this response.   Sorry     

Ur not alone! I was gonna say something myself but decided to stay out of it.

Guys. Come on now. Stop comparing... . Stop celebrating,in,ur ex's misfortune

That brings you to their level.

Its natural tp a degree... But there are some women on,here

Who are strugglimg and dont need anymore proof

That men are all shallow pigs. Sorry to say but

That is truth right there

If she suffers from BPD, which is a persecution complex, then she will have been miserable with you based upon what she perceived was expected of her by you. So, in order to put this in perspective, if her new boyfriend loves her for who she is and not how she looks, then she will not be in misery for her weight gain. There may be other issues between them, but not her appearance.

Hope that makes sense.

It's sounds like you are an emotional eater.  I'm not trying to be mean either, but I know that you are hurt.  It's because you are not happy in your life.  I'm not saying you and my ex-wife are similar but people cope with trauma in different/similar ways.  

Why do I care?  I was married to her.  You invest 5 years with someone, they abuse you, you get divorced, and they are engaged a year later - and it's not like you forget everything.  

Things will get better for you.  

It's sounds like you are an emotional eater.  I'm not trying to be mean either, but I know that you are hurt.  It's because you are not happy in your life.  I'm not saying you and my ex-wife are similar but people cope with trauma in different/similar ways.  

Why do I care?  I was married to her.  You invest 5 years with someone, they abuse you, you get divorced, and they are engaged a year later - and it's not like you forget everything.  

Things will get better for you.  [/quote]
Ha, of course I am an emotional eater.  Ha.  I won't deny that.  Altough its new for me to gain weight usually the opposite.  But pushing 50 I guess I changed my addiction to stuffing my face.  I guess its just I started feeling better and was working out and then he calls again this morning and I see this about weight gain.   I don't know.  I trigger easy myself.   I know I have low self esteem and I am working on that.  Anyway,  I didn't mean to make light of you still thinking about your ex wife.  I guess it just kinda looked like my new girls a stunner and my ex is gaining weight.  Neener neener neener!   I am sure you are hurting.  I am glad you found somene else besides a bag of doritos with a chocolate bar chaser (GRR!) .   Hey at least I am not doing the alcohol. 

Wow.  Not really sure what we are all trying to say here.  Miserable women gain weight (I was one of them) and husband went up to the strip club to get private, full contact lap dances from 25-year-old STUNNERS.  One thing led to another and voilà - he now dates a girl only four years older than his daughter.

That's all I'm going to say on this one.  Except that I got him out of bankruptcy, raised his kids (and ours) alone, financed his new company and am now alone.  I guess I can feed off my weight.

What I'm trying to say here is that my ex-wife worked out like lunatic to seduce me and my replacement.   She gained nearly 40 lbs during our three year marriage and got depressed.  She lost all 40 when the new guy came along during our separation.

Recent photos show her grossly overweight.  I was shocked.

I initially thought that she didn't have BPD, that I made her miserable and that I was partly to blame because of her weight gain.  I began to think that her new fiance was her "savior" and he had something I didn't.  Turns out, HE couldn't solve HER problems either.

Even though I'm thin, I'm not slighting heavy people at all.  Half of my relatives are overweight.  But the massive recent weight gain told me that not all was well in her world as I initially thought. 

Expos,

    Some couples gain weight together because they are comfortable and happy.

If her new boyfriend is a narcissist, who cares about what she looks like because it reflects upon his self worth (not hers,) and he's more about harping on her for her weight because she represents him (not herself,) then yes, she will be miserable. Anyone would.

Borderlines often evaluate people based upon their needs and finding a male narcissist can be very fulfilling if the trade-off for each other is objectification. Unfortunately, finding a narcissist to try to attach to- also means that there is also a power struggle over objectification, especially concerning appearances, as the narcissist must maintain a carefully crafted grandiose "false self" and he suffers a tremendous amount of paranoia about his perfectionism which causes him to create defense mechanisms to control how people see (perceive) him. The Borderline on the other hand, will suffer the same fate as always, mistrust and the failure to be her own person without being attacked.

If his mate has gained weight, the narcissist often feels like he is under attack for being "less than" perfect because he is under the mistaken belief that his mate defines him. This is "subsuming" the object. Because the objectified female cannot remain perfect, the attachment becomes counter-transferent and this causes a narcissistic injury which causes the narcissist to flee the attachment to save his ego. From outside appearances, the difference between perfection and reality is called the grandiosity gap.

Hopefully she is not in that dynamic and will be accepted for her weight gain.

This was a great read.  Maybe you figure this one out about my replacement.

- Not a good looking guy at all.  Overweight, not good facial aesthetics. 

- Very smart guy.

- Brash and pushy at the office, but a people-pleaser outside of work.  Puts someone else's happiness before his own.

- Good Salary

The Dynamic:

From what I gather, is that my ex-wife loves money and wealth, but choose him because she knows that he CAN'T do better.  My ex-wife is beautiful (when she is in shape, but now she isn't at all).    So the result will be him constantly doing things to make her happy and spoiling her.  I don't believe he is a narcissist.  Being a smart guy, he will try to his hard to fix her problems. 

I would say it's not uncommon for both pwBpd and Nons to alter their eating habits in times of emotional stress.  I for one lost about 10 pounds after the final round with my exBPDgf. 

My ex uses food and alcohol to "stuff" her feelings down.  When we first met, she was a very healthy weight.  When we got together two years later she had put on some weight.  She was self-conscious about it but I thought it looked good on her, which it did, and often told her how beautiful she was.  When things were good in her world she would eat decently healthy.  When things were bad I would find fast food bags in the trash despite her telling me she just made a salad for dinner.

When I saw her a few month ago, she looked as if she has put on a bit of weight since our break-up.  At first, I must admit, there was a juvenile sense of satisfaction.  Now, two months after seeing, I just feel sad for her.  Not only because she is a beautiful woman, which she very much is, but because she is clearly in emotional pain.  Whether or not it has anything to do with me, I don't know, nor is it my business.  Am I still disgusted with her for what she did to me?  Yes.  Do I want her back in my life?  No.  However, my moments of anger and desire for "revenge" are fading.  More and more I really hope she can finally admit things are messed up and go back to therapy.

A quick Google search brings up a lot of articles on the co-morbidity between BPD and eating disorders.  I didn't read them and can't vouch for their merit, but the sheer amount of makes me believe that it's not uncommon.

CRAZY.  This happened to me too.  This is all too similar.  Every BPD story follows that pattern of love bombing, idealization, slow withdraw, painting black, game over. 

At what stage of BPD is the weight gain stage?  Is this the withdrawal part?

I would imagine that it is different for everyone, BPD or not.  Only your ex can answer that question.

Truthfully, it doesn't matter.  If you guys are separated then it truly is none of your business.  I can understand the draw of wanting to know where her head is at.  I have been there and still go there at times.  The reality is that will only keep you from detaching.  Focus on yourself, heal the wounds within you.

Amen. 

This past year my udBPD lost 100lbs. Then gained it all back. I feel sad for him. He is very obese, an emotional eater. Years ago before I had detached he would blame me for his weight. He would say I didn't cook the food he needed. Then it was me not making him exercise. Blah, blah, blah.

Mine started restricting( she was with my replacement while we were married) she would eat a power bar for lunch and salad for dinner. She was actively bulimic as well. I saw her in court and she has lost most of her muscles-lost alot of weight.

Its important to note that when people stop eating they become very agressive- its a natural response to hunger we become agressive because we need to actively hunt for food... its a strong survival mechanism.

My ex was very healthy and worked out when we were together but since she found opiates and became an alcoholic she gained weight through that and simply doesn't exhibit the confidence she used to have. I haven't seen her myself but I was told this past weekend that she doesn't even resemble the person she once was. I don't get any satisfaction out of that and I am sad for her.