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Question from anyone that has found anyway to do this.

My wife struggles with low self esteem.  At the same time she does not like to do the things she actually does well but instead inserts herself into areas she is not well versed in. Which leads to failure and a perpetual. Problem.

Do you just praise her all the time for everything she does correct? And then not mention anything she does wrong as long as it isn't destructive?

No, I don't always praise my BP-friend.

First of all I am not used to do that and I kind of have to remind myself that he needs a lot more approvement and applause than I find "normal" , but I'm learning  :)

But second, praising doesn't always work, if he is feeling low he doesn't want to hear it or doesn't believe it anyway, so I more or less adjust my reactions on what I sense that he wants to hear at a specific moment, but I have no idea if this is the right way to handle this  

What I find very difficult is to not criticise, because sometimes I just say what I think or notice without thinking it through and afterwards I realise I hurt him because he's so over-sensitive to any comment that he thinks is meant negative, and he will keep on repeating it every once in a while, unfortunately he remembers the "negative" comments much better than the positive comments... .

Someone on the forum recently said to me that to the BPD, encouragement equals lies.  They don't believe it.  There is no good solution to this problem. 

Hi AlwaysFrustrated,

good question. There are plenty of angles one could look at this. First of all triss gave some good suggestions.

Not sure you like Billy Joel but I think one can sometimes learn from his Lyrics. This is the beginning of "Honesty":


Now of course being blunt is no good idea. How to do it right work on validation and SET skills - it take a while (a few weeks maybe months) to put it consistently into practice. This won't solve the self esteem problem but it ensures that you are not making it worse. Our meddling can often be the biggest risk to their emotional regulation and also self esteem.

Self esteem comes from good deeds and healthy self judgment. The latter is really a problem as b&w thinking is undermining them. You can contribute here by helping to provide an honest and balanced view. You also can contribute here by avoiding being judgmental - also with outside parties. It is tempting to bash the neighbors so to speak as it distracts the pwBPD and gives us reprive. But we feed the judgmental inner monster that way.

Self esteem is connected to self respect. Respect relies on boundaries. Working on your boundaries can help as it forces her to be more independent. Will lead to conflicts in the short term - validation skills are critical to manage those.

Last but not least if you want to dive deeper for yourself or if she has some interest on working on this problem: Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques... . - McKay M., Fanning P. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=183126.msg12114562#msg12114562). The approach in the book is compatible with DBT and the LESSONS on this board.

So if encouraging them means we are lying to them (in their minds) - then what are we supposed to do/say?

There is a difference between

- unreflected praise

- unreflected encouragement

and

- genuine observation, appreciation and occasional encouragement and praise

Lack of self esteem often is related to people talking themselves down internally. And pwBPD can be quite harsh thanks to b&w thinking - we are often targets - they are always targets of their own inner voice.

Simply throwing encouragement at the pwBPD would be invalidating. We would going up straight against their inner critic, loose and strengthen it.

We can:

- validate. Less emotionally excited means less b&w thinking

- focus on facts, practice mindfulness of facts with them. Discourage judgment not by saying "don't do it" but by not doing it ourselves.

- where truly justified encourage and praise in reasonable doses using SET