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So when we first broke up I got her a plant. She just moved and so I thought it would be nice. Well that was last July. And I'm trying to go no contact and suprise suprise she texts me saying how that plant is still alive! I always take those types of comments as I miss you but I just can't bring myself to say it. Do I respond?

zen,

What are you hoping to gain out of responding?

I don't know. I guess leaving the door open for her to walk through?

A week ago my BF told me (in no uncertain terms) that he wanted nothing more to do with me ever.  To stop trying to "engage" him.  Then last night I got a "Happy Mother's Day" text.  Which made me feel good... . calmer... . he wasn't hating me forever.  Then a horrible thought started to blossom... . what if that was a cruel jab?  (We broke up after me caring for him for a week after a surgery.  He told me he needed a girlfriend not a mother.)  He is totally capable of it if he's still angry.

Point is... . the fact that I have to wonder is very telling.  In what kind of rs do you have to wonder about the motives of a "Happy Mother's Day" text?  Try and decipher what "The plant is still alive" means. 

I'm sorry you had that experience with the happy mothers days text. I'm sure that was extremely frustrating. And I think it means i miss you. But I don't know. That was the plant I gave her as a gift. It was part of my initial please lets get back together I miss you gesture

I'm sorry Zen.  I'm letting some of my confusion and frustration bleed into your situation.  I'm sure it was an "I miss you" gesture on her part.  How are you feeling about opening that door?

No trust me. I completely understand where you're coming from. Its frustrating. Im frustrated for you and me. It's so hard. I never know what she wants from me.

Do you envision a time where you will know what she wants from you?

Not exactly envision, more that i remain hopeful and optimistic. One could argue that it's a mere fantasy.

Hi zen,

What do you want?

Why are you NC?

You can leave the door open for her to walk through, but then what?

:)

For her to walk through. So maybe we could give things another go?

It's a constant battle of saying I don't want her and I want her. But when it comes down to it I do. I want another go ahead. And I never know what to do with her texts.

Like she texted me at 3 in the morning! What was she possibly doing awake at that hour? She never ever stays up past eleven and she was texting me at 3 a.m. And she has a boyfriend. Like really?

Well, you can lay out what you feel honestly, "Are you texting me to get back together? If not, I'd prefer you to stop contacting me so that I can move on."  That should give you a definite answer... . The other choice is to read tea leaves so you can stay in this mixed state, which is probably not healthy.

I wish it was that easy :/ we've been doing this dance for a year now?

She always speaks in code. She knows I just got to San Diego. She's still in New York

Her: Actually when I left for Christmas my roommates didn't water it and it apparently completely died and then it came back to life!

Me:Haha. See. Its like it's owner. It's a plant that never gives up!

Her: You are so weird. Thats sweet but... . also kinda weird. Hows san Diego?

Me: San Diego is great! It's absolutely gorgeous here. The weather is literally perfect. It's always warm but not too hot and sunny. It's kind of crazy. And the people are so nice. I'm very impressed so far.

Her: Omg thats so cool I wanna go. But ny will do for now, especially since I got mah peeps here. I just hate winter

Me: I know right? Winter gets old fast. Its crazy. Everything is out doors. Even the mall! Sign with a ballet company in Cali. Haha You really would love it here. Plus it's pretty close to your brother. I want my whole family to come out!

Her: Okay settle, im not moving out there haha i have another year here at least


It's just always riddles. New York will do for now. I got my peeps here. Like if she was happy with friends and her bf she wouldn't make comments like that. It's just so bizarre to me.

She then writes this

Her: I'll go when you come back so we dont run into each other.  Haha jk jk

I can appreciate that this may all be very confusing and even painful for you, zenwexler, but you really are doing it to yourself.  You continue to engage her.  If you need to go NC, then you need to go NC.  That means you have to stop responding.  If you want to be in LC, that's fine, but you need to then accept that this sort of dance will continue.

It will only go on as along as you allow it.  It takes two.

It could also mean 1) I don't think you're serious about this NC thing 2) I can't deal with this NC thing if you really are serious and 3) I don't know what to do with myself now if you're really gone. It's probably an abrupt change and he/she doesn't have the skills to cope.

If you're serious about NC you might do best to not read into it and not respond. That's the only way these texts are gonna stop

Zen,

If you want another go, why not post on the staying board so you can learn the tools you need to communicate with her better? Though honestly it seems like she really has no intention of getting back with you as she has a bf already. Reading the text messages you posted, I don't really see how she was speaking in code. It looks like she was just trying to have a normal conversation with you for the most part.

Haha the staying  board knows my story very well. They all agree that this girl is abusive and a lost cause and that I should run while i still can. Aka no marriage or children. And unfortunately it's never a normal conversation with her. Every talk we have she tries to sneak in jabs at me. Never fails. I just try and roll with it. Seems like she just tries harder when I don't give her the reaction she wants. And yeah. She is in riddles. She has a bf yet she texts me into the night. Not OK!  I would never want my gf to text her ex late night

I know i'm doing this to myself. I know it's on me now. I am just so irritated! I sent her a picture of a dolphin. She loves sea life. What does she say? That I need new shoes. I was like haha uh ok. I got plenty of shoes.  she then said:

"you always have to make your point, ah, somethings never change. I don't know how we ever lasted as long as we did with all the fights. You have to admit, we were not good together."

Like really? All that because I sent her a freaking text of a cute dolphin. And then she wants to put on me saying I haven't changed? It makes me just want to scream.

One side of me wants to just say nothing, ignore her forever. The other side of me wants to say

"we stayed together because once upon a time we cared about each other. But now that has passed, We've moved on, and quite frankly I don't really enjoy this friendship much either. Then just go NC... . for REAL this time.

Zenwexler, can I ask you why you are sending your ex pictures of dolphins?  What is your goal here?  What do you want from her?

We were just casually talking about san diego and sea world. She's very anti sea world, and right on my street there is a picture by a sewer of a dolphin that says no dumping. I live here. And it all stemmed from that. My goal? My goal was to hope to be civil. To keep the door open. To be nice, friendly, and there for her in light of her disorder. But she doesn't let me, she just uses me as a punching bag, and makes comments like I haven't changed. When literally every conversation is her trying to come at me or put a negative spin either on me or my personal life. And I just go with it. I laugh it off. I deflect it. I change the subject. Yes she still paints me black. NO MATTER what I do.

What do you want to keep the door open for?  What are you hoping that door will lead to?

I hope you don't feel I'm overstepping, but it doesn't seem to me like you are interested in detaching at all.  From what I understand it seems that she was the one to break no contact, but you are now running with it.  I think it is seriously worth reflecting on how committed you are to detaching from this woman.  Especially in light of how she has made it clear that she is not interested in resuming a relationship with you. I don't think your ex has painted you black, but it certainly seems that she is baiting you.  Given that you suspect (or know) that she has BPD, can you understand why she is interested in doing this?

What do you really want?  Be honest with yourself.  If you have not yet accepted that the relationship is over, maybe that's the first thing to address before you can begin to detach.

I know that the end of a relationship with a pwBPD is very difficult - even traumatic.  I have been there too.  I think I can understand something of what you must be feeling.  I know this is a hellish experience and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Not at all. I appreciate you taking the time to push me. And I want to detach but I also want another try at the relationship. You said she doesn't want to be with me and I don't disagree but she never leaves me alone. Every time I go no contact she goes balls to the wall to get my attention. The definition of I hate you don't leave me.

And I have no idea why she baits me. She always tries to push and push and push. And when I be nice she just tries even harder or just makes comments like I haven't changed. When clearly I'm doing nothing wrong except being super nice. In fact overly nice. She always makes me doubt myself and question myself. After a year she still tries to convince herself and look for reasons why we shouldn't be together. Makes no sense

Unfortunately,  detaching and wanting to rekindle the relationship are goals in direct opposition to each other.  Most of us here have been through very similar struggles, however.  It can be extremely hard to let go of a relationship with a pwBPD due to the super loaded bond that was formed during the idealization phase.  I've been there myself.  It is important to bare in mind too, however, that restarting the relationship may be impossible regardless of our desires.  Sometimes our pwBPD aren't willing to try again either because they have split us, feel engulfed, found a new attachment, or maybe just decided things aren't going to work out.  In my own case, this was the situation - there was no going back, regardless of what I wanted.


She has a serious attachment disorder.  It is the very beating heart of BPD.  Given what you know about BPD, can you understand why she is doing this?   pwBPD have profound issues with attachment including core fears of abandonment.  It is very hard for many pwBPD to completely severe a relationship because of that deep fear.  It's far better to try and keep you in reserve even as they have discarded you as their primary attachment.  I believe this is what your ex is doing to you.  She is not really contacting you to be friendly and she's not trying to rebuild your relationship.  She is doing what her disorder demands.  I know this may cause all sorts of problems for you and it may be very confusing, but this is the nature of BPD.  It is a serious disorder.

I think the first step is figuring out what is going to be best for YOU.  What do YOU want?

Zenwexler

I've read through this one and I'm with cosmo on this one. I think you need to figure out what you want first. Don't get lost in the romance because in a few years time, if you're thinking about marriage at all, this ex may not be able to provide what you're looking for.


This is apt.

Here is something you need to seriously consider facing:


Oh and regarding the figuring all her crap out, know that sometimes, it's utter nonsense and a waste of your time.

Sometimes, resources say that persons with BPD have a poor internal scale of what's important and what's meaningful. If she's operating with such abnormal allocations of importance to things, you're going to be quite preoccupied. For a long, long time. And still not have the answer. Nor will you get anywhere. I'd rather have a Rubik's cube. But then again a Rubik's cube isn't a pretty ballerina.  lol

" I'm sorry that yesterday you felt that way that I was like trying to argue or prove my point. I can definitely see how it came off like that. I really wasn't. I think things just got lost in translation through text. One of the drawbacks of only speaking through texts!

I really was just trying to send you a trailer about a movie that I thought you would like about how terrible sea world is and a picture of a dolphin and how my area is really conscious of marine life 

Her response?

"Yesssss I know. Are you sure you don't want to get back together? I just want to make sure."

Yes I told her no though, that you have a bf.

She said she is falling for her new guy. Suprise surpsie. She has ''fallen'' for every guy she has ever dated!

She asked because she just wants to make sure that I don't want to get back together. That there's not a doubt that she doesn't want to get back together with me.

So then it's like uhhh ok, then stop texting me!

This seems lucid and reasonable to me.  What do you find so crazy about it?  Are you sure you aren't just having trouble accepting that things are over?


Why can't you stop texting her?  You keep responding.  In fact, you seem to be driving the interactions at this point with her responding to you.

I'm not trying to be cold with you, zenwrexler, but it really does seem to me that you are getting stuck.  I don't want you to have to suffer needlessly, man.  I think some distance might be very positive for both of you right now.   I know this is very hard to accept.  I really have been there too.  I know it's hard and I know it sucks, but you will get through this.  Focus on YOU for a while.  Several months.  You are very hurt and you need to heal.  Be good to yourself.  Nurture YOU.   |iiii

I keep responding because she is so persistent. She never leaves me alone! If she's falling for this guy why is she texting me all the time in through the night! It's bizarre, it's hurtful, and it's confusing. 

I agree with you there, but she is seriously disordered.  This is common BPD behavior.  There are a great many stories on this forum about BPD exes doing these same sort of behaviors.

Have you asked her not to contact you any further, or at least give you time to detach and you will contact her when you are ready?  If she has refused to respect that, can you block her?

I have gone no contact so many times. I told her we can't be friends and all that. I told her not to contact me, unless she is single or ever wants to rehash things. EVERY time I go no contact she hunts me down. she texts me, comes up with crazy emergencies like she cut herself, car accident, she needs surgery, or just the casual hey you, just checking in on you, how's everything. We should get together and catch up!

Every time. That's why I stick around, because she REFUSES to let me go

If that's the case, then you will probably have to block her.  There are ways to do that in iOS, and your carrier can institute a block as well, although it may cost you some money.  Your healing and sanity are worth every penny, though.  If she still contacts you, via other numbers, you may have to change your number.  The final option is a restraining order.  Be absolutely sure that you do not encourage her to contact you in any way.  If she won't respect boundaries, then she has unfortunately made strict NC necessary.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  Detaching and healing are hard enough without these additional complications.  Hang in there.

Thank you for your support. I don't know If I have the strength to fully block her. Because every time she reaches out I take it as a sign she hasn't let me go.

I think that's where learning more about BPD might help.  It helps to have some context as to why your ex is behaving this way.  She has a primal need to attach to others.  It is believed that this is due to the highly undeveloped sense of self that pwBPD have.  This need for attachment is overwhelming because they don't see themselves as capable of being an independent self, so they need to utilize someone else's self.  Not having an attachment is a very difficult and frightening time for a pwBPD, and that is why they very often have another attachment lined up before they break off an older attachment.  It is also why pwBPD often try to keep their exes "in reserve" as a backup attachment in case the new attachment fails.  I believe that this is what your ex is doing to you.  It is very much her disorder at work.

I think you are stronger than you think.  You just need to dig deep enough to block her this once and it will be easier from there.  It will take time to heal, but it will be so much easier without her keeping you on the hook.  Dig deep.  You can do it!   |iiii

I have done this so many times. But I read it takes roughly six times to finally pull away from an abusive/BPD partner. And here we go, this is my 6th time. Although I am doing this for real this time. I am going to need a ton of support. I am going to delete her from my facebook, remove her pictures. And block her number. She finally even admitted to me that she is mean to me. She claims she does it because she thinks I still have feelings for her so she gets defensive. Such BS. She also told me she's falling for her new guy. Oh yeah? then why are you texting me all the time!

It ends now. She doesn't know what love is, she won't for a very long time if ever. She doesn't know how to have a healthy and happy relationship. It's over. I tried, and I tried and I tried. I literally did everything for her. When she would attack me I absorbed it like a champ. She just pushed harder. She would try and paint me black, convince herself that I'm not good. I would just roll with it. Be sweet and nice, literally just killing her with kindess. It only made her more mean! She's the definition of crazy. The definition of walking on eggshells, the definition of I hate you don't leave me.

But I am leaving. I can't live like this anymore. It's time for me to listen to my friends, family, therapist, and you fine people. You all tell me she's crazy, abusive, not nice. You all tell me she will never change, that she's not happy and never will be, no matter who she's dating. You all tell me to get out while I still can.

Her crazy has made me feel crazy for too long.  And I worked to darn hard to become the man that I am today. I've been through way too much in this world. I have suffered a ton. And I will not be brought down any more. I won't let this girl, this 20 year old child who has no perception of reality make me feel like I am crazy. That I am worthless, unlovable, that it's my fault she treats me the way she does. Even when she admits to being mean to me. It does matter, even her self-awareness doesn't help her change. I'm not the hopeless one. I'm not the sick one, I'm not the crazy one, the abusive one. SHE IS. And it's time I step down of this roller coaster once and for all.

You're support, words of wisdom, and advice are always much much appreciated. Thank you all so much.

I think you are taking a huge step toward a better future, zenwexler.   |iiii  It is not at all easy to let go of our pwBPD, and it takes a great deal of strength and courage to do so.  You should be very proud.  The bond we formed with our pwBPD are extremely loaded and powerful.  It is indeed hard to break.  Don't feel badly at all about having to restart.  I had to do the same.  Most of us here have went back to our ex or tried to do so at one point.  This is a very trying experience, but you are showing great strength and resolve to overcome it.   |iiii

I know you will need support - we all do.  Keep posting.  Everyone here understands how difficult what you are doing is.  Whenever you feel down or that you might contact your ex, post here first.  This board is wonderful to help sort out what's best for us.  Are you seeing a therapist?  I have been seeing one, and she has been extremely helpful in coming to grips with everything.  I've made some important realizations with her.  If you aren't see anyone, maybe you should consider doing so.  It might really help you through this process.

Hang in there, zenwexler.  You have just started down a new road, but one that will lead you to far greener pastures.  Keep going.  We're here for you!  |iiii

I am not seeing a therapist yet since I moved. I have made a few calls to try and set something up. It's already so hard. I officially blocked her on my phone. The next step is defriending her on Facebook. I'm scared to do this. I'm scared to keep her number blocked. I already think to myself what if she's trying to get in contact with me? But I'm also relieved because I know if my phone vibrates it can't be her. And I know as soon as I defriend her she'll try and text me. And I won't even see it. I never even said good bye this time.