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After a very circular arguement and some manipulation and verbal abuse I told my bf (dBPD) that I needed to take a break for a few days.  I have an appt with a therapist on Wednesday and we could talk after that.

He says if I want a break it's permanent so I need to make a choice.

I said he wasn't giving me a choice.  The only other option he was giving me was not to take a break at all.

So now we're at if I want a break until Wednesday afternoon then my choice is to break up with him.

How do I navigate this?

Well, after playing another round of "your choice, my choice"

I told him I was done.  I want a break.  That's my choice.  If he doesn't respect that and wants to make it permanent then I guess he won't be around come Wednesday.  That's his choice. 

Sounds like a very tense situation right now, AllisG. 

My guess is that he is very triggered by your decision about your break, fear of abandonment is kicking in, and that you will see a T. So he played the all-or nothing-card.

My suggestion is to avoid any circular arguments. And focus on your appointment with the T.

Are you living in the same household?

Thank you. 

No, we aren't living together (another source of contention: I won't live with him until he is being treated; he thinks being treated is taking an antidepressant.)

When he found I wasn't going to be manipulated into not taking a break he agreed to it.  Except I just woke up to ten long text messages accusing me of cheating (I'm not. No reason to suspect I might be.)

I want to stick to my guns.  I need to concentrate on my appt and my well being if only for two days.  Otherwise I'm going to burn out. 

In order to start moving in a different and healthy way, we must start looking at things at a different and healthy way.



That is your need. You were right in expressing it, and have the right to honour it. Do not let yourself get bullied into losing sight of what your needs are.


That is his choice.


He is incorrect. You've already made your choice. He needs to make his.


He is not trying to give you a choice - he is trying to emotionally blackmail you and bully you.

If you want to make any lasting difference, you must stand your ground on what your needs are.


It is his choice to decide how to respond to your needs.

It is your choice on whether you take up his options.


To decide to have a total break if you need a few days is his choice.

First, you need to understand that.

Second, you need to make it crystal clear to him that he understands that.

E.g:

"

I told you I need to take a few days break. (S)

I understand if you do not like that. I wouldn't like it if I were in your shoes either. (E)

I need to take this break for my own well-being. I do not want a permanent break. If that is what you want, that is your choice. If you decide to break up permanently, I am going to modify my expectations and approach it as such. It is your choice what you woud like to do. (T)

"

My experience was that what I thought to be normal (e.g. taking a break or sleeping on the couch for a bit after a fight) was something that triggered my ex's abandonment issues. I also learned the hard way that things she accused me of were sometimes things she was projecting.

It's not easy to setup a boundaries as we all have fears of abandonment/loneliness to some degree. whats empowering is that by setting them up and sticking by them they may not get better... but we do.

I do hope things work out for you.

Thanks all.

It really helped to look at it another way.   It made it much easier.

However... . the break didn't last long.  He flooded me with calls, texts, fb messages that went from disparaging to desperation to loving to pure evil.  I finally replied only to tell him to stop and we could talk.

Things went well until yesterday.  I had a very busy day... . we spoke for about an hour in the morning and I told him I'd be in touch later. 

Later I text him and he immediately sent me a screen cap of our last text with the time circled.  I asked what that meant and of course it meant that it'd been too long.  And all down hill from there.

Now I'm on another post... . should I stay or should I go.