BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, I have been broken up my my BPDExgf since July pretty much no contact except she called me 2 weeks ago and left me an overly friendly voicemail saying how my voice was so sweet... . Take in mind this is 4 months of no talking out of the blue... . Anyway i didnt respond for 5 days and texted her and she said shes busy and would like to catch up over the next several weeks... . right... .


Anyways im posting this out of curiosity. How many of you actually feel physically ill at the thought of allowing someone like that in to your lives? I mean she grosses me out, everything about her was a lie... . EVERYTHING... .

I dont regret getting with her I just regret not leaving her when I knew I should have... .

Hi magic, when my exBPDgf who ended it with me (i kept trying right to the bitter end) did her dying tex burst at the end of the first two weeks nc after split it made me sick and i felt hot and would get panic attacks everytime a message came in. The stuff she tex didnt make any sense her new supply must of not been around that day. Sure i guess most of us feel duped coned and thats part of it i suppose,

i've witnessed two other people so anxious that they were physically shaking when speaking about my ex. this happened to me often especially the first few months after the breakup. i truly feel like we are getting a taste of what it feels like to be in their state of mind when this happens, they pass this on to other people. what is most odd is that both of these people were women/friends of hers. i never spoke to the bf's after me but i'm sure the story is the same. yes, a sick feeling and when it was bad i might physically shake. illest feeling ever. it's your bodies' way of telling you its being poisoned. sad but true.

Being in an intimate relationship with a person with BPD is traumatic.

I also get the shakes... . often. That's what happens when there is an emotional tornado wreaking havoc in your world.

Take care of yourself.

I get the shakes too.

I see it as emotional trauma that they have inflicted on you. My trauma was inflicted on me by my ex putting me through a couple of horrible situations.

I never experienced horror until I dated my ex. Horror is when you're absolutely terrified and completely unable to escape the situation.  Your sense of justice and fairness in the world is forever changed.

And so I shake when I think I might encounter her.

I regret that I ever met my exBPDh.

I can identify with the feeling of horror that people have mentioned.

I have decided, that as I often see my ex passing while driving and we live in a small community, I will try to be civil if I have to come into contact with him.  Last week he drove past.  I waved and he waved back.  Immediately I felt sick and had what can only be described as a mini panic attack.  It took me by surprise and I can't understand how he can have this affect on me a year after we split up.  I'm dreading seeing him again.

Just the thought of him calling gives me the shakes. My heart starts racing and I get anxiety attacks. Just like I did when he would unleash his anger outbursts on me or if I felt there would be one on the way.

The relationship tore me to shreds... .I am burned out and on sick leave for 6 weeks now. NC since 6 days and I am doing soo much better already! Unbelievable how I let this person destroy me!

I have no regrets, I got out before the wedding (we were getting married this September)... .

Now I have to do the "recooperating" and figure out what the hell was wrong with me!

Do I regret it?

It's a hard question. A huge part of me obviously does, but then again what did I do wrong? I just trusted someone who seemed like a poor innocent victim. I had no idea what that would lead to,   the more cynical people around me tried to warn me she was a wrongun but i didnt listen. and honestly do I want to be a person who regrets trusting people?

I don't know.  Obviously this was life changing and going to take a long time to recover from but I'd like to hope that it won't turn me into something less than I was before, not as good a person.

I think the key to that is to try not to give in to soul destroying regret, you did your best, any good person would have. ... if that makes any sense

A lot of threads about regret at the moment.

I don't regret getting involved with her at the beginning because I knew no different.

I have massive regret about not leaving at least two years before I eventually did. I cringe when I think about my lack of self respect at that time. Ah well. We live and learn and life goes on.

reminds me of a mumford & sons song... .

"White Blank Page"

Can you lie next to her

And give her your heart, your heart

As well as your body

And can you lie next to her

And confess your love, your love

As well as your folly

And can you kneel before the king

And say I'm clean, I'm clean

[Chorus:]

But tell me now, where was my fault

In loving you with my whole heart

Oh, tell me now, where was my fault

In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage

You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink

You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

[Chorus:]

So tell me now, where was my fault

In loving you with my whole heart

Oh tell me now, where was my fault

In loving you with my whole heart

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Oh, lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

"How many of you actually feel physically ill at the thought of allowing someone like that in to your lives? I mean she grosses me out, everything about her was a lie... . EVERYTHING... ."

Hi Magic

Yeah... .I get sick if I see her. I just can't believe that I had no idea who I was living with and what she is capable of.  I think it's my inner soul saving me. It's so Intense it stops me from interacting with her. Always. I am soo revolted by the way I was treated.

I actually like it... .it's better than the panic attacks I had when she abruptly ran off with her new supply. They were horrible. I felt like I was imploding. How could one person wreck so much havoc on another human being?

Moments of regret still enter me.  Usually when my doubts haunt me.

The thing is you are not your self.

I am still in the process of becoming.

The practice of differintiating I and me. I am and myself is important.

Somatic reactions are common due to emotional trauma. Some manifest themseleves in the form of behaviors. I lost my appetite, and lost 26lbs in 3 months due to lack of appetite (I may have been internalizing my Ex's comments that I was overweight). I used to get panic attacks triggered by reading the boards.

I do and don't regret the time I spent with my BPDh.  I got two beautiful children out of the relationship and I have never regretted that. They are the best things that ever happened to me.  I regret not looking for answers sooner, I regret not finding this board and all about BPD earlier cause if I had maybe I could have changed my approach and things might have turned out different. Now I know so much more but am too hurt, tired, weak, emotionally stuffed and worn out to take on the challenge and stay in the relationship. I get panic attacks when he rings or texts me. I never answer the phone, I throw it away from me, always let it go to message and only listen when I feel  I can cope. As soon as it turns into an attack I press delete so I don't even listen to him any more. Always feel faint, breathless and very anxious when he makes contact.

I live in a small town, too.

I always just avoid mine no matter what. I could never wave to her, for me that would be encouraging an innocent looking selfish demon.  I don't know if anyone else feels this way... .but I miss her like hell, and I never want to talk to her again.  Sick stuff.

I'm hoping my regrets disappear as I build my self-esteem back up and stop being so hard on myself but my biggest 2 regrets are

1) Marrying him (my second marriage and I cannot believe I am going to be a twice-divorcee)

2) Letting my son become close to this man who he called his stepdad and watching him have to grieve this loss as well.

As for the question of feeling ill from the idea of seeing him, I get a knot in my stomach (how I deal with anxiety).  I dread the day I run into him and hope it never happens.  I live in a large city so possible I might never run into him.

After a 27+ year marriage and now separated for three months, I was waking up every morning shaking. I went to a psychiatrist and got on anti-anxiety medication. Now, no more shaking. Not that everything is great... .but at least I'm no longer shaking.

I was shaking and all that to the point when I arrived at bpdfamily I was hours away from ending it all.  All that is your body trying to tell you something.  It wants to be felt and processed. Their is a deep profound message from the heart in all of this. You made te ultimate sacrifice and once the feelings are processed their is the ultimate reward.

I feel for you, hopeless. It's a lot of change. My ex ran of with new catch, I had to move and my Mom got sick and died... .all in the same year. .I kind of got to overload point and I now believe my body was following my mind and was just in a state of shock and rejection because of all the change... .

I just got a lot of support, kept putting one foot in front of the other (lots of times it was more like two steps forward, one step back)... .you can do this, but like I hated to Hearn... .it takes time.

Wow, I feel exactly the same way! I am actually horrified that I was ever even with this woman and the thought of being with her again repulses me. Every single thing she said was a lie, or contrived... .WHO she was was a lie. I don't even know this person anymore. It's only about a month since she moved out but I still seeth at the thought of her lies and all the crap I believed.